Something There?

I just couldn't say goodbye to PreLawGuy. I think maybe I am expecting too much of myself and him. He is in D.C. right now taking some class to launch law school which starts for him in a couple of weeks. I was thinking maybe that I don't feel anything for him and I should end things, but I've missed him while he is away and that is something.

Do I believe in love at first sight? Yes, I guess I do, because I've felt something like that before, but maybe every love story is different. I don't feel at all like I am in love with PreLawGuy, but I really like him. What do I like about him?

I like that he uses interesting words that stick in my memory. I like that he is a wealth of interesting information (for example, I learned from him that if I were to be marooned on a desert island, then I could legally consume my fellow stranded friends if we agreed to cast lots). I like that he picks up on my subtle communication (conversely, I hate it when I have to spell things out for guys). I like that he always text messages and calls me and makes decisive plans instead of expecting me to help him figure everything out. I like that he is ambitious in his career and education. Most of all, I like his heart.

I can't explain it, but there is something in people that is either a good and generous and genuine heart or there are people who look out for themselves. I get the impression from PreLawGuy that he has a good heart.

I don't know if anything will ever come of my relationship with PreLawGuy. I know that I see potential and I am not ready to end things yet.

Editor Extraodinaire??

I have a friend, really she is more like a sister to me, who is leaving her husband. It's a whole dramatic situation (which I won't say too much about), but she was writing the letter she plans to give him on the day she leaves. She wanted me to help her edit it. At first, I was like, "Ummm, I can't even balance my own dating life. I clearly don't know anything about marriage." Which is true, but as I edited it I realized that I don't need to know anything about marriage to edit. It was a simple skill of understanding what my friend was trying to communicate and helping her communicate it more clearly. That skill comes more naturally to me than any other skill. I've always been a go to person on my staff to edit touchy e-mails to parents, colleagues and administrators. In college, I "fixed" my share of papers. I was really born to be an editor much more than a writer.

It Is So HOT--Not In a Good Way

My roommate is half-Indonesian. She always says her Indonesian blood makes her love the hot weather the rest of us hate. She came in today and said, "You know, it's a little hot for my liking."

"It's a little hot for Satan's liking," I told her, "He's going to have to vacation in Hell to cool off a little."

If you have never experienced a summer in the Sonoran desert, you can't imagine what it is like. I will share a few details to give you a rough idea.

*Every year, my rear view mirror melts off of my windshield.
*If you go outside, even in the middle of the night, you need flip flops because the sidewalk will still burn your feet.
*If you were to swim midday, and get out of the pool to walk over to the other side, not only would all the water dry off of you, but you would burn your feet.
*The steering wheel gets so hot that I have learned to drive using only my fingertips.
*Recess is regularly cancelled during the first month of school due to excessve heat warnings.
*It is so hot that the wind actually feels worse because it stings when it hits your face.

Summer is almost over and we're going back to school, but summer is far from over.

Christening Another Year

If you are a teacher, you probably have them. I have them every year. I have funny back to school dreams. Last night I had my first one. I think that is not too bad since I only have three more days off!

I dreamed that it was the first day of school and I hadn't been in to the school at all. I showed up late and my class was waiting outside. When I got the kids inside, I noticed that I hadn't set up the room. All of my furniture was still stacked for summer cleaning.

"Okay , kids," I said trying to play it off like I did it on purpose. "Everyone find your desk, and climb up and get it!"

Then, I noticed that I had some of my former students back mixed with some new students. I realized that they had given me a 3/4 combo class without telling me.

I went in to the school today and unstacked the desks...

SouthernGentleman Disappoints

I haven't decided if SouthernGentleman gets a second chance or not. We were supposed to meet Sunday night at seven, and I will say, at the onset, he told me that he might have to drive his friend to the airport. He works for an airline, so he got his friend a deal and the flight schedule was flexible. I was waiting to get ready until I heard from him. I was getting annoyed by Sunday afternoon that I hadn't heard from him, so I texted him. He didn't answer me until 5:00 that his friend didn't make the flight!

I don't now, maybe all of his stories are true. How do I know if he is a liar or not?! I just didn't answer his second text message because I was annoyed. Maybe I am passing up a great guy because of circumstances beyond his control or maybe I am dodging a bullet. How can I be sure?

The Teacher Becomes the Student

So, I gave TeacherGuy a little test today. He wanted to go out again, and I had concerns with him because he seemed like he couldn't handle my personality. I think he belongs with a girl who is more demure and bashful. So, I decided to bring my bold and confident side to the date and see how he handled it.

So, I got to the coffee shop first. He was a little late, so I texted him to see if he wanted anything and I bought the coffee. I bought the coffee and food. It was totally natural in that situation, but I thought it might throw him off. I was right.

He did not like that I bought the food. I am not opposed to a little traditionalism, but I want someone who doesn't need to always be in control. I also decided to wear my hair in a ponytail instead of down and wear jeans.

He didn't pass the test because I wanted him to feel confident and secure if I came across as more independent. I think, though, he saw what I was already feeling. He needs someone different than me and I need someone different than him.

I Hate the First Week of School

Everyone says it. And it is true. The first week is the most important week.

There are a few other things that are true about the first week.

It is very teacher directed because you are showing the kids how to do everything--and I mean everything. You would think by the third grade kids would already know how to do things like get a drink of water, sharpen a pencil, or write their names on a piece of paper; but they don't.

It requires extensive planning. During the year, I teach with the aid of curriculum and standards. I don't start that on the first week.

It goes on forever. Maybe it is because you've just finished a lazy summer, maybe it is because you aren't teaching the way you do the rest of the year, but whatever the reason the first week feels so long and the first weekend feels so short!

I saw my class roster today and I am really excited for my year with my new friends, BUT I still kind of hate the first week.

A Little Sad

I went out with PreLawGuy again, and he is so great. He is everything I want, less one thing. It's a big thing though.

We went to dinner again we had such a great time talking. We both wanted to keep hanging out so we went to Coldstone and a movie too. He was so polite and he seems like he would be the perfect boyfriend. For someone someday he seems like he'd be the perfect husband too. If I made a list of everything I want in a boyfriend or a husband, He would check every box off.

If I could write my own story and make it come true, I would say we kissed and it was magical. I would say that I could barely finish my dinner for the butterflies. The fact is that I managed to eat an entire plate of Phat Thai and icecream and I probably could have continued. The fact is that he held my hand at the movie, but I didn't feel anything. The fact is that we didn't kiss because my heart didn't lead me in that direction.

All through dinner I could only think about how much I like him. We have such a good connection. He seems genuinely interested in my thoughts (which is a rare find in dates). It's just the wrong kind of connection.

What's worse is I'm going to have to tell him this. I am sure it will be a blow--even though it shouldn't be because there is nothing wrong with him. I wish let's just be friends wasn't cliche and was possible in this situation.

Up-Date

I am having dinner with PreLawGuy. By the way, his nickname is a misnomer because he isn't pre-law anymore--he is actually a law student. I debated some about whether to see him again because I didn't feel a spark. The thing is that I am just getting to know these guys at the same time I am going on a first date with them. I am used to dating someone I already know and seeing if things could work on another level. I understand that guys can tell if they are attracted to someone just by looking at her, but it doesn't always work that way for me. I just need some time to see if anything develops. I think in this case it is worth finding out.

I think I need to be done seeing TeacherGuy. He seems like a great guy, but he doesn't seem right for me.

I am meeting SouthernGentleman for dinner on Sunday. He seems so funny and I can't wait to meet him. I wasn't as excited to meet TeacherGuy or PreLawGuy. Maybe he will not live up to the hype. We will see.

Queen

You know, I don't consider myself a romantic. Actually, when I was a little girl, I was more apt to think about what job I would have than to imagine being a bride. Grant you I probably imagined that my job would be being a queen, but definitely the Queen Elizabeth kind of queen who didn't answer to a king.

One of my best friends is going through the divorce process right now. Her biggest complaint is that her husband doesn't view her as an equal partner. I think when I was younger I wouldn't have noticed if a boy didn't feel I was his equal or thought he was in charge of me. Now, I know I need someone who believes that.

On the other hand, I don't want to be the queen of the house either. I really want a partnership. I liked TeacherGuy the other night, but I felt like I was holding back around him. It was a first date, but my persona is that I am confident and secure. I need someone who is also that way or I am afraid I will lose that part of myself.

Date Number 2

This is all getting very confusing. I went out with TeacherGuy last night. He was very cute. He is definitely in good shape and was polite. Our conversation was not as good as my date with PreLawGuy, but I was more attracted to him, and I think he was nervous so maybe he would get better at talking to me. The funny thing was we ran into some of his students. He wants me to go out with him next weekend again.

Here's my confession, though. SouthernGentleman wanted me to call him this weekend while he was home in Texas. I told him that I just can't call boys and he could probably understand that being from Texas. Anyway, he called right in the middle of my date with TeacherGuy and I found myself really wanting to talk to him. I haven't even met SouthernGentleman. I don't know what the appeal of that guy is to me.

I Should Have Seen This Coming

I think that I am not the kind of person who can date more than one guy at a time. First, it is confusing. I should really stop giving them nicknames on this blog because I find myself talking to my friends and family about them using their nicknames. I am having trouble keeping their real names straight and nothing good can come of this. Second, it only makes me more sure that I don't know what I want.

Plus, I feel guilty. I know they are dating other girls, but they probably don't feel bad about it. For example, right now, I find myself most drawn to SouthernGentleman and I don't know why. So, I find myself hoping to hear from him even though I am going out with TeacherGuy tomorrow. Then, today, PreLawGuy called me to ask me to dinner again on Thursday. I said yes, because my head really wants me to like him since we have so much in common, but I hate to be the girl that makes him think I really like him just to let him down. Then, more guys keep asking me out, but I feel too confused to even consider them because of PoliceOfficerGuy and TeacherGuy and SouthernGentleman and PreLawGuy. I don't feel an emotional attachment to any of them, but I am starting to think I am playing with fire.

I mean, honestly, only so long can go on before a lot of feelings get involved. The idea of that makes me more than a little nauseous. I've been on both sides of heartbreaking before and neither one is any good. It makes me want to just draw the line at one date until I am sure, but that is crazy and that can't happen!

Can I Date a Teacher?

One of my new friends from the internet wants me to go out with him this weekend. A first date is no big deal and he seems very nice, but it makes me consider if I would ever consider seriously dating a teacher.

Obviously if I did date a teacher there would be some good things. He would actually know that it is hard and I am not just being a dramatic girl. We'd have things in common (like we both make super small paychecks despite having a collection of degrees).

I think, though, that it could be just one more thing that makes it hard for me to forget about my job and have a life sometimes.

Bursting My Bubble of Serenity

I didn't go anywhere this summer. It has been a hot, desert summer as much as any summer I have ever had. In spite of that, I think it has been the best summer of my life! Yoga and dating and going out and family... All good things come to an end, though, and I hear the daily grind knocking on the door of my summer vacation. It is time for a change this year. I am going to have more balance in my life.

I got an e-mail from the principal yesterday as well as a bunch of text messages and facebooks from my colleagues prior to that announcing who the new third grade teacher will be as we will have a team of five. I am so excited for who they hired. This teacher was formerly a fourth grade teacher at our school and if I could have selected anyone to fill this position she is the person I would pick. It's not because I was good friends with her--I actually don't know her very well--it is because I remember her character. She is one of those people who never gets sucked into gossip and I love the way she treats others. The one concern I have always had with BFF team is the way they treat others. I wanted to change that, but I participated a lot more than I changed it.

I have a big heart for not treating other teachers poorly because I was treated so poorly by some in my second year of teaching. I wish that I would be the person who didn't let others get treated that way. This year I didn't do that, and I wish that I did. I feel like a lot of pure poison was put into who I was as a teacher and last year I was still trying to process that and move on. Sometimes I saw myself being exactly what hurt me. I can't take all of that back, but I can be different. I look forward to our new teammate because she is who I want to be in that regard. It is really providence to have her join our team and I can't wait!

The Dating Game

No, I haven't met anyone else yet. SweetExerciseGuy is very very persistent. I'll give him that. Maybe he is trying to show me that he really wants to go out with me, but my question is why does he really really want to go out with me when he doesn't know me. It makes me even more suspicious of him.

SouthernGentleman wants to meet me next week because he is going home to Texas this weekend. He has really charmed me via e-mail. Maybe southern charm? I actually really want to meet him. We will see if he is as he seems.

PoliceOfficerGuy is e-mailing me again. I think he is trying to ask me out for this weekend, but he is using the "what are you up to this weekend?" line. I do like him, but he lives a little bit further than the others and I am a little intimidated that he is either six or seven years older than me.

My Fav's

I am going through a little bit of a withdrawal from not writing about education or teaching or anything. I am trying to take a mental vacation for a change. It has been really really good for me. I was thinking about what writing and particularly writing on this blog means to me. Writing is the one thing that I have been able to focus on even when I am at my most stressed out times in teaching. I love to look back at what I wrote because each thing I've written is like a snapshot of where I was at that time. If my blog were an album of snapshots, then these five posts were my favorites. They are my favorite posts not necessarily because they are the bests things I've written to be read, but because they are my favorite memories of writing. Some of them are happy and some of them are sad, but all of them were written with a lot of emotion.

5.) I've Got to Admit This post means a lot to me because it expresses the change in me in my third year and the healing that did take place.

4.) The PICU This moment in my life had been so impactful on me that this post means a lot to me. The feelings that I had were so strong that the words were just pouring out of me along with tears.

3.) What to Do? What to Do? I wrote this post when I was having a really hard time. Sometimes when I read my writing from when I was having a really big struggle I can't even hear my own voice. I don't think my quality of writing in this post was anything to write home about, but I like it because it reminds me that my voice as a writer and a teacher wasn't completely lost in those hard times. I would still agree with every word I wrote here.

2.) Close Encounters
I was proud of this post because it expresses the connection of my faith to my life and teaching. I felt this post when I wrote it.

1.) The Things No One Tells You I chose this post as my favorite piece of writing on this blog because I think it is my clearest expression of my struggle in teaching. I was just crying when I wrote this because I was so stressed out with the possibility of losing my job and with the way I was treated at my job in the previous year, but at the same time I didn't want to quit. Writing this was very therapeutic to me.

Forever

My own little adventure in looking for love this month has made me think a lot about what it means to find someone to share life's whole journey with. How improbable, really, to find someone who you want to spend your youth with and to love that person so much that you hardly realize it when old age comes and it is almost time for death to part you. My rational head tells me that all of my hopes for that are just fantasy. It's like winning the love lottery. I don't know if I will ever find it. I know, though, that my grandparents found love like that. I feel lucky just to watch that.

They married at sixteen. Today they are seventy-two. My grandmother has Alzheimer's, and we are starting to see the effects. It is hard for all of us, but of course it is hardest for my granddad.

My grandmother has been seeing a doctor who is doing experimental treatments. He had to tell my granddad that he has to start driving with her to evaluate her driving and to decide if she can continue to drive independently. My granddad reacted angrily. "He's right though, the doctor, I mean," I said to him, "If there was an accident it wouldn't be worth it."

"I know," he said, "It's just that if I took away driving from her it would be such a blow to her." My mom told me that she thinks it would be hard on him to have to drive her everywhere, but I know it's not that because I know him. It just breaks his heart to let her suffer in this disease and he wishes he could bare the burdens himself.

A Good Date

I met PreLawGuy for dinner tonight. We went to this hole-in-the-wall restaurant in university town that served pastys. It was really good. I am going to have to go there again!

We had great great conversation. I really appreciate his mind. I had just a great night talking to him. He was so respectful. I would have been very uncomfortable if he didn't respect my space since we were just meeting, but he was a perfect gentleman.

I feel like he is someone that I really would love to be friends with, but I don't know if I have romantic interest in him. If he asks me, I would go out with him again and maybe something more will develop. We'll see.

Overall, though, my first experience was very very positive!

Dating ADD

Holy Cow~! The guys just keep writing to me. I feel like I cannot focus at all. In normal dating, I can consider one guy at a time. In internet dating, I have to consider a lot of guys all at once. It makes me feel kind of confused.

Tomorrow, I am having dinner with PreLaw guy. What does he not know? My two best friends are having dinner accross the restaurant in case he is crazy. I think that seems safer... Maybe if I decide to meet more people, I will come up with a better system.

Another guy contacted me. My nickname for him is SouthernGentleman. He e-mailed me and actually got an answer because he says he is new to the big city and wants to meet friends. Plus, he looks very cute. Plus, my roots are southern and I like southern people. He is twenty-three, but he just graduated college and moved out here for a job. I could see some potential in him for sure.

What Do I Really Want?

In The Odyssey, Penelope is the wife of Odysseus. She waits for him for twenty years. During the twenty years, when Odysseus is presumed dead, Penelope is pursued by over one hundred suitors. She resists them all, and eventually she is rewarded when Odysseus returns dressed as a beggar and finds she has been faithful to him all along.

Since I have opened the door to my dating issues, I have to say that most of my friends think I am crazy to harbor such a traditional view of dating and sex and marriage. I just think that maybe it could be as romantic to wait for the arrival of Odysseus as it is to wait for his return.

I like Penelope because she is okay to be on her own until she can have the right one. Lately, I have felt like I have a lot of suitors coming out of the woodwork. Not only with the internet dating, but my friends have been bringing a lot of guys around, and even last night just going out, I had so many guys wanting to call me. My friends think I should pursue many of these things, and I think I should start dating. The thing is that I will not pursue deadends. I don't want a hundred suitors. I just want one Odysseus.

What would he be like? I think he should be a nice guy who really respects me, and cares about what is on the inside (it's okay if he does care about the outside just not exclusively). He has to be smart enough to follow my conversation and funny enough that he doesn't take life too seriously. How's it going looking for him? Well, I think I have eliminated quite a few suitors, already. Now, we will see how it goes with the guys that seem like maybes.

A Short Update:
SweetExerciseGuy keeps calling me, but I haven't returned his calls because I just don't trust him.
PreLawGuy wants me to have dinner with him on Monday. I agreed to MEET him--we'll see.
ChristianBusinessGuy keeps e-mailing me, but I think we would clash, so I am not sure.
PoliceOfficerGuy hasn't written to me in a couple of days. We'll see about him.

I did meet another guy online. He is a teacher and a bit religious, but seems less fundamental than ChristianBusinessGuy. I also met PilotGuy when I went out last night. So cheesey, he gave me his card, but I think I will not call him.

Anxious Thoughts

For a long time, I've been refusing to admit that my chronic singleness has anything to do with me. There are some circumstances that I can't help. I work with a lot of women and not a lot of men. I'm very traditional in my view of relationships and most people my age are not. There is something else going on and it's on the inside.

You know, I thought that this whole dating thing would be fun. All of my friends think it should be fun, but it makes me anxious. The crazy part is that I know the thing making me anxious is the idea that I might end up really liking someone. I just have to admit that I don't have the open heart I thought I did when it comes to relationships.

Every time that I have had feelings for someone it has had to sneak up on me. I've always fought it. I am not really sure that I can change that about myself, and maybe it will prevent me from ever finding a serious relationship.

I do have some abandonment issues. I like to think that I walked out of my childhood trauma without a scratch or a bruise. I do know what my fear is. I think that meeting people on purpose is going to be a step forward for me. It is just going to be much harder than I thought.

The Update

PreLawGuy: This guy has e-mailed me a few times now. I like that he is smart to the point of being nerdy! He was in academic decathalon, and I was all about debate club in high school. I don't often meet anyone that I can be as intellectual as I am around. I think this guy might rival my fat reading list, nerdy school tendencies, and obscure referrences in conversation. I also like that he is twenty-five. I could date someone older than me, but there is something comfortable about someone who is my age. This guy is my favorite so far.

PoliceOfficerGuy: This guy seems very nice. He's e-mailed me a couple of times too. He lives somewhat far and I don't really see how we could have a relationship, but he seems really cute. I do feel the need to confess to him that I've had two tickets this year. Maybe he won't like that!

ChristianBusinessGuy: I still like this guy, but continue to have reservations about him being to churchy...

SweetExerciseGuy: I talked to this guy on the phone. He is very funny, but I am still concerned about his intentions. He'll be sorely disappointed if he thinks he can "hook up" or something, but his personality seems nice. He hasn't said or done anything inappropriate. I just have my reservations about him...

What Did I Get Myself Into??

I promise not to turn this blog into the Dating Game, but you might be hearing a lot about this subject for the month of July since I am trying Internet dating for this month only, and I am still on my mental vacation from teaching. I think this experience will be good for me even if I don't meet anyone I really like because I can already tell that my issues with relationships are going to become much more apparent to me.

So, what has been like so far? Well, I haven't agreed to meet anyone yet. Over twenty-five guys (I am not exactly sure how many because I deleted most of them) winked at me, which I guess means they are interested. I got a bunch of e-mails too, but I only answered a couple. I am little freaked out by the magnitude of activity. I am a little freaked out that some guys who are around forty think I will go out with them.

So far, I have been talking to four guys. I am going to give nicknames to them and I will report on what happens. The four guys are ChristianBusinessGuy, PoliceOfficerGuy, SweetExerciseGuy, and PreLawGuy. I already feel conflicted about ChristianBusinessGuy even though I think I have the most in common with him. He is twenty-eight and serious about his faith. I think I have mixed emotions about whether someone like him could be right for me because I went to a really conservative christian college and I felt like it was controlling. I am still feeling conflicted about how to be free and live out my beliefs. I do want to know more about him, and I think I see myself with someone like him in the long term, but I would be lying if I said it didn't bring up some issues I am still struggling with. I like PoliceOfficerGuy because I have a serious thing for cops. We'll have to see when I meet him, but I think I would be attracted to him. I also respect that he is in civil service. He is thirty-one which isn't a huge age gap, but I have never dated someone more than three years older than me. You might be able to tell I like SweetExerciseGuy because he was the only name with a complimentary qualifier. BUT even though he seems great, I suspect that he might be a player. That one could take me a while to figure out, but he seems to know how to talk to women. I trust people who don't know what they are doing a lot more. PreLawGuy seems like someone who would fit right into my life. He is twenty-five (the same age as me). He is pre-law at the local university and used to teach seventh grade at a Catholic School in the area.

My best friend is helping me sort through all of these guys. I really don't even know where to start! Don't worry I am being safe, and I will only meet someone if I meet someone in a public place.

July of Guys????

Shhhhhhh... Don't tell, but I did what my mom expressly told me not to do. No, it was nothing dirty (please don't go there).

It began like most good ideas. My best friend was over at my house last night and she was playing bar tender. My roommate and I have an abundance of half empty liquor bottles. We tend to buy something when we have people over and never finish it. So, my friend was melting popsicles in my microwave and inventing all sorts of weird drinks. I hardly drank anything because one of these drinks looked like a lava lamp and many tasted like Robitussin, but I did drink enough to be open to suggestion after a while.

So, we called up my other friend. This would be my "crazy" friend. It is the friend everyone has. She's the one who makes you do crazy things you would never do without her. So, my "crazy" friend is like "let's sign up for e-harmony because it's free right now." So, we were using my computer and it took forever and was not fun, so we went to match.com instead. We made an account, but I didn't sign up for it.

So, we wrote a profile for me, and I got a lot of response. Twelve people "winked" at me last night and I set it so you could only see my profile if you live in this city. Anyway, some of the guys seemed like pretty good guys, so I signed up for one month. I figured that if they were all big freaks then I would quit and if I liked some of them then it would be worth it. We will see. Let the games begin!

In other news, I found out today that my brother's wife is expecting baby number two. Personally, it gives me a booming headache to think about them having another kid in their financial situation. I am excited for a second nephew or niece, though!

Odds and Ends

We still haven't seen the mouse... We put up three traps with peanut butter, which I was terrified at first to look in, but we have not captured anything and the mouse still hasn't broken into any of our food. Perhaps he escaped to outside...

I've been doing yoga every day. I kind of like it! I have never been much into exercise, but yoga is kind of girly exercise and I like it. I have been a little sore.

It has been like temptation island around her trying not to spend money this summer. My aunt and cousin want to go to Vegas. My mom wants me to go on a trip. My friends want to go to San Diego. My other friend got four free nights at a resort in Palm Springs. I can't do any of it!!