The Look in Your Eyes

Teaching is a team sport. My team is my school staff, and it is a great team. We share all successes and all struggles.

Let's face it, though. Struggles are like the problem child in a large class. You might have far less struggles than successes, but somehow struggles seem to zap all your time and energy.

There is a situation going on at my school. I am not directly involved, but it is bothering me just as if I were. The situation is just one of those stupid things that educators have to deal with and watching it unfold is like getting punched in the gut.

I just hate watching good educators and administrators take abuse. I really wonder what it was like to teach in a time when parents and students were held accountable. People are always saying that education is in an age of accountability, but from the inside, the only people I see being held accountable are educators--and we're held accountable for things we have no control over.

Even though I had a good day with the kids and got some wonderful thank you notes, even though it's break, this whole situation leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I just get to work with some really talented people who do amazing things. I want to believe that they don't face the same doubts and discouragements that I do about this work. Today, though, I saw it in their eyes: they are tired of it all.

If Only I Thought Before I Opened My Mouth

"Okay," I said loudly in the middle of our big fat test training meeting. I was certainly playing the part of the sulking teenager Principle Sadie always had me pinned as last year. I think sarcasm and anger is never attractive when coupled with youth. Too often, it is just a guise for folly. I do better to be well tempered and keep my mouth shut at the age and stage I am in, but sometimes I surprise myself with a gust of passion that exits my mouth before I think it through.

I was worked up over my ELL student. The "SEI Coach" was addressing the staff about testing procedures for ELLs (don't even get me started on that), but she wasn't giving any straight answers. The packet I had said that 1st and 2nd year language learners were entitled to a direct translation of testing procedures. I wanted my Mandarin speaking student to have this because I know it would help her.

The "SEI Coach" responded to my questions by saying, "Well, you haven't been translating things into Mandarin all year, so she can't have that." It was said half jokingly, but it was really brushing off my request, and the wording in my packet strongly suggested my student would be entitled to this. You better believe that is a case I will make. I just wish I had made it more professionally.

After the meeting, I talked to her. I was pretty mad because I don't think she was telling me the truth, and I made that apparent. That is not the worst of it though. Later I was telling the librarian how irritated I was about her attitude and how I didn't think she was telling me the truth. What I didn't know was that SHE WAS IN THE LIBRARY TOO. So much for my helping my gradelevel team get a softer reputation.

Besides all of that, I really am forgetting that we all in a school are on the same team. We're all advocating for kids from different angles. I have got to work with people. I am right to pursue this and advocate for this kid, but I am definitely wrong to go about it the way I did today.

There is not a lot of support out there for our kids and our schools right now. The last thing we need is to turn against the people in the boat with us. I guess I have an uncomfortable apology to make.

Happy Friendship/Love/V Day

I hate it when people call Valentine's Day "V-Day". I think it takes away from V-E Day which seems like a more important celebration than a day to celebrate a little man in diapers shooting people in the heart with arrows. So, I don't know why I said "V-Day".

Anyway, as a teacher, you still experience little cardboard valentines, mountains of candy, and if you are like me, a little queasiness from overindulging on the Valentine's Day candy. I usually think that I never want to see anything pink or red again after experiencing Valentine's Day at an elementary school.

Really, at the end of Valentine's Day Elementary Style you think you are about ready to pull your own hair out if one more kid asks you when you are passing out Valentines (despite the clear schedule on the board), you are exhauseted from finding candy that has somehow made its way into little hands and little desks, and you just want to fall asleep. Then you get sweet valentines from your kids and you see them holding your stupid paper valentine and reading it over and over because you sent it to them. Kids do make valentines more fun, but the thing that saves your sanity when you work at a school are the other adults. It really is your colleagues that make or break your experience in a school.

Admittedly, I did not want to be working on the team I was on this year. It was a tough transition. I will say this year I have laughed more, collaborated more, and seen my teammates more outside of work than I ever have before. Part of it is that I don't feel stressed out now that administration has changed, but it is also because they are a lot of fun.

My Secret Cupid finally revealed herself, and she was a part of BFF Team, but it was not Mrs. Partygirl. It was Mrs. Organization! She gave me nice stuff on the last day and the following note:

Dear Ms. Understood,

You have made this year's Secret Cupid so much fun for me! Thank you for being such a great sport! I need you to know how much I admire and respect you. You are an amazing asset to the third grade team--you have no idea how much I hope that doesn't change for next year. You have proven to be a great teacher and a loyal friend. Have a happy Valentine's Day my new little friend!

Love, Mrs. Organization

PS I'm sorry I lied to you.
PPS I didn't really drink the vodka on Monday morning.
PPPS Mrs. Partygirl has the Playgirl.

This year has been stressful with the budget, rifs, new programs, and lots of change; but my stress has been drastically reduced by working with great people this year. That goes for administration and colleagues.

More Surprises

I got another "present" today. I walked into the office and the whole office staff as well as various teachers greeted me saying, "Ms. Understood, go get your present out of your mailbox. We're all waiting to see what it is!"

I first pulled out a letter. It was written by me (or I should say the person who forged my identity). It read as follows:

Dear Fabulous Secretary,

I would like to volunteer to baby-sit for every PTO event being held at the school for the rest of the year AT NO CHARGE. Just send all those cute little guys to my room right after school on meeting days. I have all the dates marked off on my calendar already- no need to send a reminder notice to me. I just love all those little kids so much.

Thanks, Ms. Understood

"I'll take that!" said the secretary.

Next I found various bowling paraphanelia along with some bumper sticker which said the following:

DATE ME I BOWL

THIS IS HOW I ROLL

GOT BALLS?

MY DRINKING TEAM HAS A BOWLING PROBLEM

I'D RATHER BE BOWLING

KCUF WORK LET'S GO BOWLING

At the bottom of the bag, was a subscription coupon for Playgirl and a Vodka coupon. I thought that was the end of my surprises until I returned to my classroom. What was on my desk? "Love Cuffs." 'Nough Said.

In all seriousness, I haven't laughed so hard at work in a long time. It really takes a good friend to orchestrate all of this and I have been having a great time with it. Really. I have no doubt, I will be thoroughly embarassed tomorrow, but this has been a lot of fun!

Misery Loves Company

Is it wrong that I felt better today when my friend from BFF team (the other non-tenure teacher on our team) told me that she feels like she is getting an ulcer from thinking about the rif threat hanging over our heads? It's not that I want anyone else to be in the same bad boat with me. It is just good to have a friend going through the same thing.

We saw a "help wanted" sign in Taco Bell on our way to graduate class today. "I call drive through when we work there next year," she said.

"I probably have janitor duty because Principal Sadie will most likely end up our manager," I thought. My life always seem to have a very funny irony.

Mean Girls and That's Not What I Mean and I Have To Wonder What All This Means

Have you ever seen the movie Mean Girls? I love BFF team, but when I first joined the team I just thought I had walked into that movie. They've all been nice to me, but I was alarmed by how much they hated their former teammate. I never found a solid reason, and I was worried they'd hate me too. That didn't happen, but I did feel like my team was being rather mean to the resource teacher. I felt like it was easy for me to stay out of it because I don't have any kids qualifying for resource this year. I also had a hard time sticking up for her even though I wanted to.

Lately, I haven't really thought about any of this. I've been finding comments about other people much funnier and adding my own. I didn't really think that much about it because I figured I wasn't doing anything that would hurt anyone else.

Yesterday, we got our Reading fluency scores for third grade and across the board for third grade it was not good. We were frankly discussing the problem and solutions. We e-mailed the notes and ideas to our principal, our literacy specialist, and our team. We wrote in the e-mail what we thought needed to change about reading fluency interventions and what we needed to do. Today, though, we got a response telling us not to be so hard on the literacy specialist because she has had a hard year. She has.

The thing is that I didn't think the e-mail was harsh when we wrote it at all. I actually suggested copying the literacy specialist so it would seem like this was an open discussion between all of us.

I love my team this year, but there were certain things I hoped I would change about the chemistry of my team. Now, I wonder if I am just taking on the traits I thought I would change. I guess I should think of this as a wake-up call. Whatever the truth about that meeting was, I know that I haven't been as thoughtful of others recently as I should be. I've never been the "mean girl" and I won't start now. I have a really sharp tongue and I know that I have to watch what I say better. It's just not who I want to be.

On a positive note, as much as no one likes to be corrected, knowing that the principal took a stand against someone being targeted makes me trust him more. One thing I always look for in a leader is someone whose highest standard for the people under them is the way they treat others. I just think that is the right way to lead.

I'm Sorry

I wanted to write about something else, but I can't think of anything right now but the teacher I mentioned in my post about feeling guilty. All I feel comfortable saying about that situation is that things are getting worse for her and she's crying all the time. Kindness would go a long way.

I love teachers. It takes a lot out of you. It takes courage and persistence. I really look up to my colleagues--the ones at my school and in other places. I think everyone has bad days in teaching, though. I wish we would all remember that when someone has a hard time. We're on the same team.

What if, as colleagues, we made the extra effort to encourage when we were tempted to gossip? What if, as colleagues, we made the extra effort to empathize instead of brag?

I know, I know... I am talking about teachers--not saints. I just hate, hate, hate, hate seeing someone get torn apart in teaching. I have said it before and I'll say it again: It is a hard enough job; let's support each other!!!

I'm sorry, Ms. SpecialEd, that as a whole people haven't been kinder to you.

A Letter to My Teammates of Two Years

Dear Mrs. Bear, Mrs. Dear, and Mr. Bull,

When I first met the three of you, it was hard for me to resist the urge to call you Mrs. and Mr. instead of using your first names. You all seemed like real teachers, and I had been a student for sixteen years. You are all old enough to be my parents and it would have been really easy for you to just roll your eyes when a twenty-two year old novice teacher joined your team. I expected you to feel that way, and I wouldn't have blamed you.

You never had the attitudes I anticipated. You all treated me like an important member of the team, and you believed in me from day one. You have been and always will be that voice in my head that told me I am making a difference and should keep trying.

I remember on the day when the principal told me she was making me move to third grade and I was so sad watching all three of you fight back tears. I know, Mrs. Bear that you were crying in your room later because you didn't want to make things any worse for me. You guys moved all my stuff and kept being great teammates to me even when I wasn't your teammate anymore.

I like the team that I am on now and they've been great to me as well. My new team thinks that when I came to your team two years ago that you were so lucky to get me out of all the new hires, but I know that your faith in me is what made me learn so much. I also know that I owe you three a bigger thank you than I'll ever owe them because you had me when I was learning and struggling. I always hoped that I would be a good investment for our team because I would continue to grow and learn; as you know, it didn't work out that way. I'll continue to have new teammates and do different things throughout my career, but you three will always be a part of that because I try to be a little like all of you in my teaching.

Miss You,
Ms. Understood

I Am Starting to Like It in Third Grade

It makes me feel guilty, because my old team is not liking the situation as much. I feel like it is partly my fault because when I got so upset over the change, I think it made them even more dissatisfied with it. Consequently, they never wanted to like their new teammate and they never wanted to like their team without me.

Yet, logically it is not my fault. I didn't choose to move. I didn't choose to get upset (despite what the lovely principal accused me of). Believe me, if I could have avoided the embarrassment of crying my eyes out on the last day of school, I would have. I didn't choose to put someone on my old team that wasn't a great fit. This was an administrative decision.

I just feel bad because I had a really good time at Meet the Teacher and setting up some stuff with my new team, but they don't seem to be having the same good time. It is tough to see them having team problems, and see myself fitting in pretty well with a new team.

It is kind of nice though to see a good quality in myself as a teacher for a change. I spend a lot of time wondering if I am just awful at this recently, but I do see now that I bring an atmosphere of cohesion to a team. I didn't just get put on a perfect team; I helped make it that way.

Wouldn't it have been nice if the principal had just acknowledged that when she moved me? Instead of making it out to be pure punishment for me, she could have told me that I would be a positive addition to their team. She made it seem like I would just be less of a hindrance than I was on the fifth grade team. Aye yay yay! I will never understand all that.

For now, I am trying to think about how I can help my former teammates. They've helped me a lot through this and now I need to help them.