All I want to do right now is lock myself in a room full of books I haven't read and read them all. I want to read them all at once and have each book open to various places. I want to switch books and keep reading until I finish them all.
Yeah. That's pretty much the opposite of what I need to do to grow as a person. I just feel like all of my thoughts are floating aimlessly around my head and I need to do a wide variety of reading to anchor them. It's like I need a mental massage.
I just think that in life we do so much "small talk" which is a healthy social activity. We do so much work which is a healthy outlet. Very little reaches the deep thinking parts of our minds. If I don't do some serious reading, my mind is lonely in its own way.
Today was harder than I expected. I kept looking at the empty seat of the little girl in the hospital. For whatever reason, I don't fully believe it right now. I keep expecting to hear that this has been a false alarm or that it is all over with. I can't seem to believe that something this bad is happening to a sweet little kid. Maybe I am really grieving this and that is why. Her brother told me she is coming back to school tomorrow. I think my stomach is going to be gnawing at itself every time she is out.
I've been trying not to be completely consumed by my job. I am trying to have a normal weekend. I am trying to think of other things and not a little girl with cancer. I still woke up at 3:50am thinking about it. Sometimes I am really dysfunctional in my obsession with my job. In this case, I think I would be more dysfunctional if I wasn't. Anyway, here are some cheery holiday moments I've had recently.
1.) BFFs Team and I went shopping and bought four matching adult flannel footie pajamas featuring Mickey Mouse Santas. We are going to wear them to pajama day at our school. Can I just say, that I tried mine on and they were a little tight (bordering on inappropriate). Everyone on my team is pretty small, but I am really small (5'1'', 110 pounds). If it is slightly tight on me, I can only imagine how tight the other sets must be!
2.) Oddly enough, just after I posted about my lack of dating life, I was contacted by the guy my teammate has been wanting me to go out with. He wants to go on a date, and as tempted as I was to say no because I have a feeling this won't work out. (I mean, he hates books and I am the biggest book nerd you'll ever meet.) I said yes.
3.)Our staff holiday party this year is an ugly Christmas sweater party, and in place of a white elephant gift exchange it is a worst student present received gift exchange. Folks, I borrowed the ugliest Christmas sweater ever from my Aunt. (This holiday season is really bringing down my fashion sense.)
4.) It looks like I'll make it past another graduate school bill without a loan. It was such hard work, but I am still loan free and I have only two graduate school bills left before I will have my Master's Degree. I just have to pray that the RIF rumors aren't true and I'll still be gainfully employed next year!
As a teacher, the worst things are the problems you can't fix. If you can't read and are years behind, I will help you. If you can't add, subtract, and multiply; we'll get there together. If you can't make friends, I'll help you learn. If you can't speak English I'll help you. There are some things, though, I am powerless over.
One of my little third graders was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor yesterday. She's had headaches and they thought they were going to get migraine medicine. This family had no idea they would be getting the worst news of their lives. I can't protect her from this danger. I can't stop this pain. I can't help any of her eight and nine year old friends who are going to witness what this disease can do.
I found out this morning when the vice-principal came in to cover my class so that I could talk to the mother of this little girl. We had to address it with the students today too because the little girl was telling her friends. I knew that I could not just break down and cry about this today because I did not need to scare the kids. We talked to the kids about treating her normally and not talking about this unless she would talk to them. I was doing really well until one little boy in my class raised his hand and said, "Can I just give her my teddy bear?" I let the vice principal answer it because I didn't want to cry and scare the kids.
If you are reading this blog, please take a moment to say a prayer for this little girl and her family. Please say a prayer for me and my class. If you are a teacher reading this, and you've dealt with something like this before any advice is appreciated. I know all of my students will be hurting and I want to do what I can to be the teacher they need. Those days when she is out and her desk is empty are going to be really hard for us.
I was eating lunch with BFF Team a couple of days ago, and everyone else was talking about how they were so social in high school that they barely made it through. Of course, I was nothing like that. I was so bookish in high school that I hardly had a social life.
The thing is that I really do enjoy being around people (whether family or friends). I don't enjoy the social scene admittedly. Really, I wish everyone wanted to hang out in libraries or coffee shops or something like that. I like to be around the same people and am not a big fan of meeting new people. Maybe that is part of my problem?
I am beginning to think, though, that I need to figure out whatever my social issue is with meeting men. I even think it is wierd that I haven't been dating for so long, but I don't really know what to do about that! In the past, when I've met someone it always just happened, but it is really not happening to me anymore.
It seems like everyone else my age is out of one relationship and immediately on to the next. I am totally mystified by how that happens. It is funny, because in some ways I understand things easily. I get things like philosophy and physics and literature. I can't seem to understand how to meet someone and build a relationship.
My kids have been learning about Ancient Greece and Ancient Rome. One reason (I would assume) they do that is because of its ties to our civic roots. I have been covering the standards on democracy and representative government during these units.
I wanted to have a hands on lesson on democracy that students as young as the ones I teach could get their minds around. So, we talked about how the word democracy is really two Greek words (demos: people kratos: rule). We talked about how it was a system where each person had an equal vote and equal role in lawmaking. All of my students agreed it was fair (you see even third graders recognize that). Although, I am pretty sure they would agree that communism was much more fair than capitalism if I asked them...
I told them they would use democracy to make one law we would all follow in the classroom for a day. It could be a funny or serious.
"What is it called when you make the laws?" one astute observer asked me.
"It's a dictatorship, and I am your dictator--kind of like your very powerful king," I answered fully aware that he would have no clue what I meant.
"You would be a queen," he reminded me.
"So true, thank you. Now, each of your tables must all agree on two laws to enter in the vote."
So, all of the table groups proposed two "laws". Then, the kids voted.
The law they agreed on yesterday was that you must do a dance to go to the bathroom. It was hysterical today.
When they lined up for recess, I said, "Wait a second. Who here is going to use the bathroom during recess?" All of them were, so I turned on some music and they danced.
Tomorrow we'll use a representative government to make one law. I can't wait to see what they come up with this time!
I was at dinner with some friends the other day and someone was asking me all about my career. "Do you love it?" he asked me. I hesitated because I know the expected answer for a teacher is yes. I said no. There are times when teaching is very satisfying. It is, all encompassing, though. It demands sacrifice, though. I am not completely stressed out by my job anymore, but it is still hard and exhausting. That's what makes it scary. It's not stress taking its toll on me. Workload and level of responsibility are taking their toll on me. Am I happy? Yes, I am. Are there things I love about my job? Yes. I just haven't known much else as an adult. I don't know if I would be happier with a nine to five job that might be more menial. I don't know what twenty or thirty years of this demanding work might do to me. I don't know if I would keep doing it if I did. Honestly, I know teachers who have had difficulty or ended marraiges due to overworking. I know teachers with stress related health concerns. Some people balance it. Some spend there lives doing it and would never take it back. Am I like that?? Would I even be thinking this way if I hadn't had such a bad experience? Is last year a warning I shouldn't ignore? Would I willingly sign on for another year teaching if I knew it would be like that? I'm not sure.
I am 24 years old, but unfortunately I am sometimes mistaken for being fifteen.
I am religious, but intellectual.
I am quiet, but my thoughts are really loud.
I am stubborn.
I read all kinds of things.
I have an overactive imagination.
I am conservative, but a non-conformist.
