What Is It?

It is funny that you can walk out of your house one day feeling totally normal, and that by the time you get back nothing is the same. I guess that normal people don't feel this for the first time at 26, but I have never felt this way. Not that I can manage to put a name to this feeling. Yes, for all my craftiness with words, I still can't seem to say what it is. So, what is it? What is it that makes you smile whenever your with him? What is it that makes you suddenly domestic enough to cook a meal? What is it that makes you too distracted from teaching to write your teaching blog, which has up to this point, been the biggest commitment of my life? What is it that makes you suddenly attached to your phone? What is it that makes you cry at the new Twilight movie that you publicly think is stupid, but secretly identify with? What is it that makes you count the minutes to the weekend? What is it that makes you develop a sudden interest in "Say Yes to the Dress"? What is it that makes you look up relationship books on Amazon.com. I'm sure I don't know, but whatever it is, I have it and it is bad.

Taking a Deep Breath

Things are going really well. Well enough to scare me.

The funny thing is that he told me on Saturday night that he is afraid of getting hurt. He said he doesn't want to like me like this because he is scared. I told him that I like him, but I don't trust him. "I wish those things went at the same speed," I said.

"I know," he replied, "but they don't."

And so, they don't.

Disney Movies and Other Nonsense

So, last night "Aladdin" was on. It was a childhood movie for me, so I've seen it like fifty gazzilion times. I was watching the scene where Aladdin takes Jasmine on a magic carpet ride, and, this is embarassing: I found myself getting a little teary eyed. I know, I should listen to advice not to get sappy and ridiculous. I am trying.

Anyway, the date was even better than expected. Don't worry I didn't do anything crazy--I have standards. This weekend he is taking me on a surprise date and he won't tell me where. I guess I am not used to someone being so romantic.

Besides, I have a plan. I am going to stay away from all things sappy and play it cool.

Psycho Therapy

I still really like the "Psycho Killer".

"I don't date very often, and I am probably doing it weirdly," I told CPA Guy (Psycho Killer). It's true because I am used to being single. Honestly, I have a very full life single. I have always known I would have to meet someone who would make me want to change. I have this sneaking suspicion that I have met such a person.

I have been keeping it a very big secret, though, because I just can't be sure. It is just so new--in so many ways.

It scares me because I don't date a lot. I have always thought that one day I would fall in love and get married and all of that. Yet, meeting someone who makes me wonder, "Is he that guy?" freaks me out. I feel like I am at the beginning of a path that has potential to sweep through my life and make it never the same again.

It's like being on the edge of a diving board, and if I really jump off, water will rush over me and there will be no going back. It's like if everything did go sour, then it would be hard to go back to being happy in the state I am in. At this point I could still go back, but I feel that time passing me by.

So, let's sum this up. I feel that I might not be completely ready for the kind of change a relationship would bring. I feel afraid that things will end up badly and it will be hard. I know that these are not actually good reasons to end things.

Anyway, I have this big date tomorrow night. I am really excited. I know I need to focus on being in the moment and enjoying things. Freaking out about potential change or potential disaster is not helpful in the least. Okay, thanks blog therapist. What would I do without you?

When I got home from my date, I closed the door to my house and leaned against it. On the other side of my door, things looked a little bit different. I crossed over to the other side of dating. I crossed over to the side where I am a little bit more vulnerable and I could get hurt. As you might know if you read this, I am kind of used to being unsure of what I want. I am kind of used to saying goodbye. I am not used to realizing that I do like someone--it's been a pretty good while. It feels good and bad.

This was my second date with Mr. CPA. Last weekend, on our first date, he took me out for teppenyaki. We had a good time, but I still felt very much like myself as we said good by. He tried to kiss me good night and I gave him my cheek. I thought I wanted to see him again, but I was still pretty neutral.

We kept talking during the week. Then he called me confusing, and I was a little rattled, but, you know, I shook it off. Today we went to this restaurant with wood burning stoves that cooks pizza, and then he actually agreed to accompany on a dry run of this children's museum I needed to do for a field trip I am planning. When he said good bye I gave him a hug. "Thanks," he said, "You know I want go in for you this time. I've learned my lesson about going slow with you."

So, I closed the door and leaned up against it. I found myself touching my lips like I just had an unexpected kiss. What I really had was an unexpected not-kiss. That's when it hit me: I like this guy, and there is nothing left for me to do about it except see where things go.

Dance Card

I don't really know why I know this expression because I too young to know about dance cards, but I believe it would be appropriate to say my dance card is full. On Friday, I met the CPA guy that I really liked; I still do. We have another date this weekend--I think. Last night, we kind of got into a little disagreement. Apparently he thinks that I am confusing. That might not be the first time I've heard that. Anyway, he tried to say this as an aside, and I made him tell me exactly what he meant. He says I am hard to read. We both knew that we didn't want to have an argument about it now, when we just met; so we just kind of dropped it. I'm not really sure where that leaves things, though.

As for the doctor, I have a new nick name: Doogie Howser. Seriously, he gave this nickname to himself. He graduated highschool at fifteen and has six secondary degrees. He's already been a practicing software engineer and now he is a career switcher at the age of thirty and a licensed PA. He's also a landlord. He likes outdoor extreme activities. He's just got a crazy life. I feel like if I was nicknaming him 20 years from now he would be Richard Branson or Bill Gates or something. I'm actually a little intimidated by him and I don't get that very often. I am just plain curious about him, though.

Then there's this guy that I met when I went out with my friends on Sunday night. His dad is actually responsible for penning some very famous legislation around here and works in the state government. He wasn't intimidated by the book (Superfreakonomics) that I had in my bag at the bar, and he tracked with me. Apparently when he asked for my number I said "alright" in some kind of insulting way, according to my friends. Maybe I was being confusing??? Well, he still called, so it couldn't have been that bad.

Well, I am leaving in about 20 minutes, so I have to go. I have a classroom update coming later. I'll try to get to it tonight, but maybe I won't until tomorrow or so.



So, why the song? I guess I left my inner thoughts about an event covered in this post. The song, however, covers it.... Can you guess what I meant by it?? Hint: don't take it too literally, go with the chorus.

So, I Went on a Date with an Axe Murderer

Well, as they say, it's time to give the people what they want. Yes, my dear readers, I know your dirty little secret. You read my "education blog," but the stats don't lie, everyone wants to read my posts on love. I really don't mind. Obviously I write them, so I mean them to be read. It's just funny. I know what a mess I am when it comes to such things. Anyway, I don't know why I should be surprised that my dating mishaps and insecurities are more interesting than my thoughts on differentiation.

Anyway, I've been kind of putting off this post because I kind of hate the silly school girl me that I can be when I have a crush on someone. For my whole life, I have been trying to prevent myself from being like that, but it seems that I can't fight it right now.

Here's the worst part of it, I haven't even met this guy yet. Apparently, he possesses the ability to capture my affections via e-mail. Are you really that surprised? Of course, I am a sucker for writing.

Don't worry, I already asked him if he is a crazy psycho killer, married or in prison. E-harmony makes you ask each other questions, so I threw that whopper at him. He did confess to being put in prison by his wife precisely because he is a crazy psycho killer. He also said he would have time off for good behavior and would I please let him take me to dinner soon. So, I think in the next week, I am going to have teppanyaki with a psycho killer.

Well, we'll see if he lives up to all this hype. Of course, I'll let you know. You see how I can still play it cool. Don't tell anyone my dirty little secret: that I am really not playing it cool this time. Thanks, reader friends, I knew I could count on you!

Here We Go Again

So, I went on my first date from eharmony today. He was a nice guy, a computer programmer, and a Texan (born in the same small town I was--randomly). He was decidedly Christian, but open minded. That is exactly what I want. He really liked me, I could just tell, but also he is already trying to nail down another date. I don't know how I feel yet. It wasn't instant attraction, but it doesn't have to be. Something has to grow though. Also, I think he is a bit old for me (10 years my senior). Too much? Maybe. Anyone who reads this blog knows I am kind of a young twenty six.

Then, in early evening, guess who called to tell me that he still has feelings for me? Prelawguy. Then, I had to tell him that I still don't have feelings for him. This time I think I really broke his heart. I do have more feelings for him than I did a year ago, but is he waiting for me? I'm not sure that he should because I am not sure I will ever have enough feelings for him.

I have secret room dreams almost constantly right now. I have a secret world above my house that lives in my subconscious. I am constantly exploring it even though it is haunted and the ghosts will kill you. The internet says that this dream means I am discovering new things about myself, and that is kind of true.

I have been notoriously unopen to dating. Remember when I couldn't handle match.com? Trust me, too, I've never been able to handle it. Suddenly, though, I think that I can handle it.

Yet, there's this other thing. My heart is strangely attatched to someone out-of-reach. It's just one of those things that I didn't know I wanted until I did. Yet, I don't really do anything about it. I mean, I respect that Prelawguy has declared his heart to me several times even though I've rejected him multiple times. It is kind of gutsy and I have to admit that I wouldn't be that gutsy.

I feel like on the one hand, I am ready to meet someone and actually know what I am looking for. Then again, maybe I am psychologically sabotaging myself. Maybe I just want what is out of reach precisely because it is out-of-reach. I mean, why didn't I ever feel that way when it was within reach?

Here are these three scenarios playing out in my heart and my head and my life all in one day and it leaves me feeling sad. First, I meet a new guy who is interesting and obviously and interested in me (we seem compatible) and he is right here. Then, Prelaw guy stands there with his heart in his hands. My friendship with him has grown and it hurts me to hurt him, but I know the difference in friendship and love and my feelings for him are friendship. Then, cruelly, my heart seems to be playing tricks on me.

Are none of these guys right, and that is why it is so hard? Or is the problem me? Maybe I don't really want what I think I want.

There are bound to be many ghosts in the secret rooms tonight. Maybe I am taking a big step forward, though, in realizing that I don't get me. I always thought the problem was men, but maybe it is me.

Things Might Get More Interesting on This Blog Again

As you know, if you've read my blog for a while, this blog is primarily about my work and all the craziness that goes along with it; but occasionally it also becomes about my dating life. Last year, I tried Match.Com, but I couldn't handle it. I was totally freaked out at the magnitude of it, and quit after a month or something. Since then, I haven't really been dating.

Last night, I was at my cousin's house; and his wife is the sister of one of my friends from high school; so my high school friend was there. Now, he actually brought a girlfriend, which surprised me because my friend, we'll call him backwardshatguy, never has girlfriends. The thing was that we all really liked his girl friend. He met her on eharmony. So, my cousins wife was telling me all of this, and it seems like maybe I would like eharmony much better than Match.Com. I mean, it actually checks for compatibility.

So, I signed up for a few months anyway. So far, I actually like it because the guys on there seem like much more of who I am looking for. We'll see how it pans out, but of course I'll write all about it (the good, the bad, and the ugly)--you know how I am.

Non-Negotiables Revisited

First, I saw "Bad Teacher" today. So funny. Also, I did get up and go to church. So far I am following my resolution!

Moving on to my revolution about being a better Christian than I have been recently, I figured out something about love.

Interestingly enough love is the most popular topic on this blog. This ironic because I am really not good at love. I am actually completely mystified about those girls who always seem to find a relationship. That's just not been my experience, but I digress.

Remember when I was talking about (read as scoffing at) the non-negotiables. I changed my mind. I am feeling suddenly secure in who I am and who I want to be, and it makes me more clear on what I want. I am open to who I meet, but there are some things that are non-negotiables. I need a man who can take sarcastic humor and keep up with my wit, I need someone who loves God, I need someone who is a thinker, and someone who can tolerate my workaholic tendencies. That's not such a long list is it? It's just that now when I think about finding someone, I think about marraige which I haven't always and I want someone to walk through life with who has those things. I realized that maybe I do want to meet a nice boy at church! Hmmmm, I can't believe I am being so forthcoming about that.

It's just that for a long time I've been sitting in the middle of who my family thinks I should find and who my friends think I should find. I think my family is right.

So Much for Plan B

When I was a little girl, I didn't want to be a teacher. I had much bigger thoughts. I know some teachers recall playing school with younger siblings or toys. Not me, I wanted to be a princess. I ordered my toys and younger brothers around.

I always assumed that if teaching didn't work out, you know, if I got riffed or something, then I would go marry the prince of England.

The royal wedding is really ruining my fall back plan!

The Whole Enchilada

Preface: I haven't written anything about Japan, not because I haven't been thinking about it, but because I don't know what to say. The tragedy hasn't been in my blog, but it's been in my prayers.



I turned twenty-six on Friday. I went to Happy Hour with a bunch of friends from work to celebrate my birthday and Spring Break. As usual, it turned into a discussion on "finding me a man" (their words; not mine). They wanted to know what are my non-negotiables.

As I get older, this idea of non-negotiables comes up more and more. My roommate told me her non-negotiables are not cheating and a stable job. Her non-negotiables have led her down this path where she is on the track to marriage. Only she can know what is truly in her heart, but I sometimes wonder if love was a "non-negotiable."

Now, I am not a relationship expert. I have spent far more time single than in relationships. I have learned something from being on my own, though. I have learned that I don't need someone to take care of me. I can do it.

It's just that I listen to a lot of my friends talk about relationships and they think of it sooo differently than I do. They talk about the house that they want and they see the men in their lives in terms of what he does and where he is going.

I think about my little dating frenzy last summer and I know that I can't fall in love with the whole package. Everyone thought that I should continue to date PreLawGuy. He has the bright future, he would treat me well. He really was the whole package.

I don't want the whole package, though. Down here in the Southwest we talk about something called the whole enchilada. By it, we mean, we want the good, the bad and everything else because enchiladas are so good.

I didn't want to be with someone that if he lost his job then it would change things. I guess my non-negotiable is sort of intangible. I just want to end up with someone who is who he is no matter what. I want to be with someone who thinks I am who I am no matter what. I don't know. I mean, I might not always be a skinny blonde. Certainly I won't always be young and fashionable. I might not always be a teacher. It has to be something on the inside that makes you want to be with someone.

More Unpublished

Ha. I have a secret trove of unpublished entries. This post was meant to be one of them, but it turned out more generic than I thought, so here it is.

I have a date on Sunday. Maybe and sort of... Maybe, because it may or may not happen at this point. Sort of because it is more of casually meeting a friend of a friend at a superbowl party--but then again it is a friend of a friend who wants to meet me. In any case, people tell me it is a date and maybe it is.

The guy in question seems nice enough. My friend tells me he is smart and quiet--two qualities I can appreciate. Apparently, he is an engineer, he never swears, and is not a player. The swearing thing has been highlighted for me because as far as my general acquaintances know I never swear. I do actually swear if the occasion calls for it, but in my opinion the occasion is rare.

I don't know, though, I don't really want to follow through and meet him. I kind of hope that my nephew will come and I'll have to cancel or he won't be at the party (which is still a possibility). I mean, the guy sounds good in theory, but making it real is scary to me.

A very similar situation happened to me at the basketball game the other night. I met this guy and he was nice and I talked to him most of the night, but when he wanted my number I just didn't trust him enough to give it to him.

I have blamed my lack of relationships on my workaholic ways on not meeting people and I don't even know what else. I always have something some rationalization, but I'm not being open and it is time for me to change. I mean, I quit the dating site, not because I couldn't find anyone to go out with but because I didn't like dating a lot of guys I don't know. I refuse to meet anyone when I go out. If I'm going to refuse to be set up or meet someone in public, then I've pretty much eliminated all options. The logical conclusion is that I cause the problems that I have.

P.S. Kelly Clarkson is not my general musical taste, but the song seemed appropriate.

Three Letter Word

Oh, here we go! I've wanted to blog about this topic for a while, but the topic never came up. If you want, you can pretend that I am saying this to you coyly over a candlelit dinner, because I am talking about SEX.

I was watching OWN (yeah, I like it okay--I'm corny like that), and I saw this story the Oprah show was thinking of running about the 30 year-old virgin. They couldn't agree about whether being a thirty year old virgin meant there was something wrong with you. Finally, they concluded that in America it is very odd.

Okay, I'm not going to say that it is the norm--yes, I know that it is not. I just think that having traditional views about sex doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Aside from my religious beliefs, I look at it like this: choices about romance and sex say a lot about what you really want out of a relationship.

I was raised with really traditional views on sex. I remember my mom telling me that if I had sex outside of marriage then someday I would meet my husband and have to tell him about my past and it would be hard. Based on my experience, it is going to be a lot harder explaining to him that he's it.

Alright, time to close with a personal story for your amusement. One time I was out drinking with friends and this guy was coming on to me. "You really resistant to alcohol," he told me. "No, I'm really resistant to sex I don't want to have," I told him. I like to get to the point.

Friendly Dinner

So, guess who I heard from again? PreLawGuy... He wants to have a friendly dinner over my break. I kind of thought he was not wanting to see me anymore after I told him I didn't have feelings for him.

I was really happy to hear from him because I love hanging out with him. I get talked down to by men--a lot. Maybe it is just what men do, but I don't like it. Growing up, I heard all the time that men want to feel respected and women want to feel adored. I tried to believe that. You know what, both things would be nice, but if I had to pick, I want to feel respected.

Case in point: my roommate's boyfriend has been e-mailing all week about Christmas presents for my roommate. He is asking for my opinion, but he keeps giving me idiot proof directions about how to find out what she wants and even how to open a url. I get it that he's older than us too, but I get really annoyed by that stuff.

Here's another example: my sister-in-law. She and my brother have one of those relationships where gender roles are rigid. She told me she votes for whomever my brother tells her to because she doesn't know about politics. Once, they both told me that "Women have their own language. They say the opposite of what they mean, and men are supposed to figure it out." I protested this, of course, because if there is one thing I do it is saying exactly what I mean. I have no wish for anyone to interpret hidden meaning in what I am saying. They told me that I would learn how things are when I was in a serious relationship. Whatever.

This post has gotten really off track, but my point is this: I don't think PreLawGuy is for me, but whoever ends up with him is a lucky girl. I feel like he will meet someone before I do because I have a terrible track record, but even if we can't be friends after that I'll be happy for him.

Ringing in My Ears

I remember distinctly a party at a resort on the eve of my high school graduation. My two best friends who are still my two best friends were there along with a few others and we were talking about the future. For some reason, all the girls there were trying to guess the order we would get married in, so one of my friends who happened to be a teenage mother devised a game for us. We all had to write down the order we thought the five of us would get married in. You know something, I guessed myself last. A lot of people guessed me last too.

I don't know why I thought I would be last or why others thought I would be last too, but when it was a vague thought about a distant future it didn't bother me at all. It seems though that our little game was an eerie foreshadowing of what was to come.

For years, I've been impervious to being one in a world of twos. Really, I have watched a lot of friends get married. I've been in a lot of weddings (if someone somewhere is thinking "Always a bridesmaid..." --stop, stop right now). A lot of people have been very worried for me, but I have been just fine on my own. Honestly, I had fun going to weddings and parties stag. I enjoyed working late guilt free. I never missed the romance.

Wednesday night, I got a text message, like a lot of other text messages I've received, with a good friend's engagement ring flashing on my phone face. I felt really happy for her because she is a great friend and I like her fiance a lot, but it stung. It's never stung before.

I just suddenly wonder if it will ever happen for me. I mean, did I choose this? I have done my fair share of walking away and saying "no". I have also been the one left standing alone.

Maybe I just want something that doesn't exist. Let's face it, I am kind of a walking contradiction myself. I hold to Christian sexual ethics, yet I know that I will never be a submissive wife.

Honestly, I don't know what is going on with me. I was never the girl with a giant wedding book. My barbie dolls had more careers than babies. I feel comfortable by myself in a room full of couples. Maybe this is some kind of side effect of getting older. I don't really want to confront this feeling because I would like to maintain my ability to be satisfied with the single life.

I Wrote This Just for You!

FYI It is Fall Break here so I am not really doing any work and have no substantive comments today.

So, when I was worrying about someone from work finding this, I discovered an interesting tab on blogger I've never used called stats. It tells demographic information about who views your blog (I guess it is not paranoia to think Google is keeping tabs on us). Anyway, the cool thing that I learned is that there are visitors to this site from all over the world. Somehow, I just love that idea! It seems like having friends in far away places.

I am actually a huge geography nerd. I subscribe to National Geographic, I am addicted to the geography games website, and I constantly watch the travel channel. So, I was really excited to see that people in far away places visit here.

The other thing that I learned is that my posts on dating are the most visited (FYI google does not tell me who read what post or where individuals are from; the stats are very general). Something about people reading the dating posts amuses me because I have the least juicy dating life of anyone I know. Maybe, though, people read these because struggles in finding love are more universal than teaching struggles. Anyway, this got me to thinking that I never really followed up with my dating adventures on this blog.

I am not currently dating any of the guys from the website or anyone else for that matter. I quit the dating site. After ending things with Prelawguy, I realized that I had even more trouble opening up and connecting with strangers than with guys I have dated in the past. I just need to be friends with someone and have them be a part of my life first. Yeah, it's a problem for me that I work too much and don't always meet new people. My faith, however, leads me to believe that if there is someone out there for me, then I will meet him. My faith in a providential God leaves me with less anxiety about being single than most women. That is not to say that there isn't any anxiety.

A Little Tanner, A Little Older--Whoops I Mean Wiser

When I look at myself in the mirror, ultimately, there is only one thing I want to see. I want to see a girl or a woman who does the right thing. In my career and in my personal life and in my family I try to follow my moral compass.

Months ago one of my best friends came to me and asked for help. She was in a bad marriage and was literally afraid to leave her husband. She was also afraid of what she would do to herself if she remained in this relationship. I didn't hesitate and I didn't question her. I just said, "I will help you." My roommate who is also best friends with this girl responded exactly the same.

I have never wavered in my decision to help her. I understand that I am taking on personal risk because the man she is leaving is quite unstable. I understand that I am taking on gossip because my friend isn't going to air her dirty laundry and people who don't know the whole story see things differently.

I have had to cover all the windows in my house. I had to warn my work not to allow any personal visitors to my classroom. I had to stay out of my house so that he couldn't come find me this weekend.

I am completely satisfied with my choice. I am anxious about danger I might have taken on, but I accept risk. The thing that is shocking me most as my friend has made this decision is the reaction of my Christian brothers and sisters.

My friend has had people sending her scripture saying she would be damned to Hell for seeking divorce. There are so many rumors flying around about my friend and also me and my roommate.

I knew that the man who my friend was leaving would have an over the top and irrational reaction. I had no idea that so many others who have only surface knowledge of this situation would judge her and me apparently.

I pray that I can continue to handle all of this with grace. I know why I did what I did to help my friend and I do not question that. Let people talk and do what they will.

It's Not You; It's Me

I realized something this week. I think what is missing with PreLawGuy is an emotional connection.

I am very good at playing the strong leader. I do it for my job. That is who I was in my family (who needed that) for as long as I can remember. Part of that is good, and I find that I am always the kind of person people confide in, but I am not always the kind of person who confides in other people. It has also made me quite adept at hiding fear or anxiety or even sadness when I feel it. I have my limits, but in general I don't like talking about my feelings or admitting my feelings.

Ultimately, though, in a relationship, I have to learn to sometimes lean on someone else. I have to learn to let someone see my weaknesses.

I am not saying that PreLawGuy is who will be that person in the long run. I am just realizing that I need to have a more open heart. This is a new revelation to me. The funny thing is that now it seems really obvious that I have always been like this. People have even told me things like this before, but I didn't really believe it.

I know I cannot change this about myself overnight. I will never be the person that is extremely comfortable talking about my feelings. What I am going to do, to hold myself accountable, is catch myself when I am deliberately hiding my feelings from someone I am thinking about a relationship with or when I am deliberately avoiding subjects that are emotionally charged to me.

Something There?

I just couldn't say goodbye to PreLawGuy. I think maybe I am expecting too much of myself and him. He is in D.C. right now taking some class to launch law school which starts for him in a couple of weeks. I was thinking maybe that I don't feel anything for him and I should end things, but I've missed him while he is away and that is something.

Do I believe in love at first sight? Yes, I guess I do, because I've felt something like that before, but maybe every love story is different. I don't feel at all like I am in love with PreLawGuy, but I really like him. What do I like about him?

I like that he uses interesting words that stick in my memory. I like that he is a wealth of interesting information (for example, I learned from him that if I were to be marooned on a desert island, then I could legally consume my fellow stranded friends if we agreed to cast lots). I like that he picks up on my subtle communication (conversely, I hate it when I have to spell things out for guys). I like that he always text messages and calls me and makes decisive plans instead of expecting me to help him figure everything out. I like that he is ambitious in his career and education. Most of all, I like his heart.

I can't explain it, but there is something in people that is either a good and generous and genuine heart or there are people who look out for themselves. I get the impression from PreLawGuy that he has a good heart.

I don't know if anything will ever come of my relationship with PreLawGuy. I know that I see potential and I am not ready to end things yet.