Wednesday, August 11, 2010

It's Not You; It's Me

I realized something this week. I think what is missing with PreLawGuy is an emotional connection.

I am very good at playing the strong leader. I do it for my job. That is who I was in my family (who needed that) for as long as I can remember. Part of that is good, and I find that I am always the kind of person people confide in, but I am not always the kind of person who confides in other people. It has also made me quite adept at hiding fear or anxiety or even sadness when I feel it. I have my limits, but in general I don't like talking about my feelings or admitting my feelings.

Ultimately, though, in a relationship, I have to learn to sometimes lean on someone else. I have to learn to let someone see my weaknesses.

I am not saying that PreLawGuy is who will be that person in the long run. I am just realizing that I need to have a more open heart. This is a new revelation to me. The funny thing is that now it seems really obvious that I have always been like this. People have even told me things like this before, but I didn't really believe it.

I know I cannot change this about myself overnight. I will never be the person that is extremely comfortable talking about my feelings. What I am going to do, to hold myself accountable, is catch myself when I am deliberately hiding my feelings from someone I am thinking about a relationship with or when I am deliberately avoiding subjects that are emotionally charged to me.

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