I have my own special brand of neurosis and I can't keep fighting it.
I am not easily rattled by outside circumstances. I am not bothered by a crooked picture or a shoe left in the middle of the floor. I feel fine going out without my hair or makeup done. I am not easily offended by what people say. I like trying new things. I stay calm under pressure. I almost never lose my temper.
Yet, I am not good at being calm. My dentist tells me that I grind my teeth. I can't help but fidget. Even when I sleep, I dream every night and almost always remember my dreams clearly.
If I have nothing good to be wound up about, then I get wound up about something stupid. Right now, everything is going well for me, but something in me wants to make it more complicated. I want to find the problems in my own life just so I can figure them out. It is like someone shoved a giant problem solving machine in my head and I can never turn it off.
I love my work situation this year. I am so happy to be at the same school. I love my position. I love my colleagues. My brain just wants to anticipate possible problems and solve them.
I am having a good time dating a few guys at the same time and not being serious. My brain wants to find a puzzle and use that to select the right guy. My brain wants to find all possible problems with every guy.
I am finishing my Master's degree in December. My brain won't quit thinking about what should be next!
I live by a lot of family and love spending time with them. Yet, I can't help but think about what my life away from them means and how it will effect them.
I have the two best friends in the world and starting in October we'll all be roommates. My brain wants to think about what to do in a year when one of them is possibly getting married and the other is possibly moving to another state.
I feel my heart saying, "You have a great, blessed life. Enjoy it!"
The problem is that my brain has always been so much louder than my heart, and it is saying, "The problems are there waiting to be solved. We just have to find them!"
1 comment:
I´m not sure if it helps just to remind yourself that our brain is wired this way, troubleshooting all the time. After all this is what´s made us survive and at the same messes up for us:)
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