Ringing in My Ears

I remember distinctly a party at a resort on the eve of my high school graduation. My two best friends who are still my two best friends were there along with a few others and we were talking about the future. For some reason, all the girls there were trying to guess the order we would get married in, so one of my friends who happened to be a teenage mother devised a game for us. We all had to write down the order we thought the five of us would get married in. You know something, I guessed myself last. A lot of people guessed me last too.

I don't know why I thought I would be last or why others thought I would be last too, but when it was a vague thought about a distant future it didn't bother me at all. It seems though that our little game was an eerie foreshadowing of what was to come.

For years, I've been impervious to being one in a world of twos. Really, I have watched a lot of friends get married. I've been in a lot of weddings (if someone somewhere is thinking "Always a bridesmaid..." --stop, stop right now). A lot of people have been very worried for me, but I have been just fine on my own. Honestly, I had fun going to weddings and parties stag. I enjoyed working late guilt free. I never missed the romance.

Wednesday night, I got a text message, like a lot of other text messages I've received, with a good friend's engagement ring flashing on my phone face. I felt really happy for her because she is a great friend and I like her fiance a lot, but it stung. It's never stung before.

I just suddenly wonder if it will ever happen for me. I mean, did I choose this? I have done my fair share of walking away and saying "no". I have also been the one left standing alone.

Maybe I just want something that doesn't exist. Let's face it, I am kind of a walking contradiction myself. I hold to Christian sexual ethics, yet I know that I will never be a submissive wife.

Honestly, I don't know what is going on with me. I was never the girl with a giant wedding book. My barbie dolls had more careers than babies. I feel comfortable by myself in a room full of couples. Maybe this is some kind of side effect of getting older. I don't really want to confront this feeling because I would like to maintain my ability to be satisfied with the single life.