Saturday, January 22, 2011
My phone had been going off for over an hour, but I didn't hear it because I had a parent meeting at work. Eventually my battery had worn out and my phone shut down. The winter sun went down too, and I drove home in the dark.
I opened the squeaky door expecting to find Bailey and Sarah, my two best friends. We had big plans for a girls dinner, but the house was silent. I turned on the lights and headed to the bedroom to retrieve my phone charger.
That's when I noticed something strange: my bedroom door was closed. I threw it open and there he was, a monster. He had fangs and a cape and blood dripping down his face. Without a sound, he lunged at me and I ran for the kitchen. I grabbed the salt and started throwing it around. This had some effect on him, but he continued to try to pursue me around the salt. Eventually I was able to salt him into a corner.
"Okay, now what?" I thought. I couldn't remember how to kill a vampire. So, I called Bailey up. She and Sarah were at dinner without me because I had been so late and wasn't answering my phone. "You guys have got to get back here," I said, "I just trapped a vampire in our house and I do not know how to kill it."
"We're on our way," said Bailey.
I sat there staring the vampire in the face until my friends got back, but neither of us said anything. Finally, the door squeaked open again. "Just look at him," I said to my friends.
"Do you have a stake?" asked Sarah.
"What, we're going to drive it through his heart?" I said, stunned.
"It works," she answered.
We did have a stake so I pulled out a stake and a hammer. Bailey and I grabbed the vamps shoulders while Sarah drove the stake right through his heart. Bailey and I were a little freaked out still, so Sarah dug his grave in our back yard.
After that, we went out for strawberry margaritas and chocolate cake. It was a small consolation prize for missing dinner and finding a vampire in my house, but it was still good.
Okay, maybe that is not exactly the way these events conspired, but I felt that you guys couldn't really understand how I felt without a little embellishment. Here is what actually happened:
My phone was dead and my parent meeting kept me at work until late. I drove home in the dark and was surprised to find my house silent. Bailey and Sarah were already out to dinner. I went to get my charger in the bedroom, and the door was closed.
I opened the door and a giant black ghost jumped out at me, okay it wasn't really a ghost. It was a congrats balloon. My principal had given it to me last week when he threw a happy hour for our graduation from the Master's program. It had been losing air and now was somehow closing doors. As I dodged the balloon, I looked down to see a SCORPION. It was sitting there, in the entryway, wagging it's stupid tail at me. I wasn't sure what to do because you usually can't just kill a scorpion by smashing it. I went into the bedroom to find a weapon and I found a vase filled with flowers. I dumped all the flowers out on my dresser and grabbed the vase. I knew that I needed something to help me trap it. The only paper in my bedroom was my beloved National Geographic magazine, so I ripped the back cover off of it, and went to face my enemy. First I threw the wide mouthed vase over him, and he was mad. Then I wedged the paper under him and flipped the vase over trapping him at the bottom. I brought the vase to the kitchen, and put the magazine on top--just in case. I sat there staring at the vase until my friends came back.
When my friends got back, Sarah said we needed to kill him with fire, so we got the long lighter and Sarah burned him. It took a long time! The stupid scorpion can live through fire, for a while. Finally, it was dead and Sarah flushed him down the toilet, because Bailey and I were still really freaked out.
After that, we went out for strawberry margaritas and chocolate cake. It was a small consolation prize for missing dinner and finding a scorpion in my house, but it was still good.