Monday, September 21, 2009

Bill Me

I've been thinking about it and if there was such a thing as professional educator therapy I would need it. I'm pretty sure all teachers would need it a little, but I would really need it. If teacher therapy was real, though, I wouldn't actually go because it would be too expensive for my educator salary and, well, my insurance is not so good. Also, I don't like therapists; I learned that when I was a kid and my parents got divorced. I feel like they are always trying to outsmart me, and it is annoying.

Yes, I need a good, quiet therapist who listens to me without trying to change the direction of my rant. That is why sometimes this blog is perfect! See, if this blog were really a therapist it would tell me I am using humor to deflect serious issues that need to be addressed. Wouldn't that be annoying?

Anyway, here is my issue: whenever, I struggle with any lesson for any amount of time I feel so insecure about it. I used to be able to struggle with something, evaluate the situation, and change my course of action from it. Now, I struggle, beat myself up about it, and worry that it will happen again and be worse.

Objectively, my year couldn't be going more smoothly. My class is really good. The day usually goes by quickly. I see evidence that my kids are learning a lot. Yet, all it takes is one bump in the day to bring up my insecurities. Ironically, if anything is crippling me as a teacher it is my preoccupation with what might be crippling me.

I don't know what it is going to take for me to feel secure. Would I feel better at a different school, farther removed from the ghosts of last year? Would I feel better if I went back to teaching fifth grade where I've always thought I belonged?

I know that it is something in me that has to change and I'm not sure any outer change will help. I don't work for the person that was making me miserable anymore. I actually like my job again, but I want to be as confident as I was before all this.

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