This year I feel completely competent. My kids are almost always extremely well behaved. I've improved my Reading instruction so much that it is helping in every subject. I've done a much better job with organization.
This year I like my team--in some ways--even better than my team last year. We all have similar styles and philosophies. We laugh together a lot. We help each other.
This year I feel pretty good towards administration. They seem helpful and have left me alone--which I appreciate because I can only imagine what the former principal told them about me.
Yet, I have some serious self-confidence issues when it comes to teaching which is pretty strange for me because I am generally a confident (some might even say overly confident) person. I don't know what to do about it either. I have this label somewhere in my head that I am a bad teacher and as much as I try not to go there I am always looking for evidence to support that belief. Whenever I can't think of something from my present situation, I tend to try to draw on things from last year. I know this is not a healthy way to think and that it has no benefit for myself or my students but I can't seem to stop thinking this way.
In my dark moments in teaching, every time a transition doesn't go the way I want it to and every time a lesson isn't exactly as I intended it to be I feel like it is because there is something wrong with me as a teacher. It doesn't even matter that things are going as well as they are because I have this feeling that won't go away.
I hate that I am so sensitive that I am bearing major wounds from all the events of last year, but I may as well acknowledge them because I know they are there.
One of my old fifth grade teammates asked me if I would come back next year. I told her that I didn't know and honestly I am not thinking seriously about plans for next year until after Christmas, but I feel like going to fifth grade or going to Middle School might be the only way to address some of my demons. I was told in no uncertain terms that I was incapable of doing the things I wanted to (teaching in fifth grade or Middle School). I could easily do two years in third grade because it would be nice to not have to move everything again or to readjust again, but if I don't move I think I will always wonder if it really is true that I can't.