Friday, October 22, 2010

The Selfish Reasons I Write

My head is really full right now. I don't know how else to explain my current situation. I have a hyperactive brain. It hardly even sleeps--I remember what I dream almost every night. Usually, I remember two or three dreams each night. I think about a lot of things at once. My brain is like my desk and like my closet gets when I don't pay careful attention. It is just full of messy piles. Only my brain is much worse than my desk or closet. Have you ever seen that show Hoarders? Sometimes I think I am like a hoarder of thoughts. I've already stored twenty-six thoughts and ideas about a given philosophy or story, but I still want to get some more.

Writing is therapeutic for me because it helps declutter my brain. Every night when I write I have to choose from all of the thoughts. It really is hard for me to choose. I listen to music and try to write what incorporates a lot of my random, uncontrollable thoughts. When I finish writing, I can sleep better. I know that my head will feel full again within twenty-four hours, but it eases the pressure.

Usually, I try to write about thoughts that will make my mind more settled and peaceful. I write about anything in my day's thinking that needs to be resolved.

Those are the selfish reasons that I write. I just want to clean up my inner world by dumping my thoughts on paper. That is blunt, but true.

In my life, though, I have more responsibility than to just sit around thinking. Like Plato, maybe I wish I was just a philosopher king who could think all day. There is so much purpose for me in my work as a teacher. That is why that is the primary theme of this blog.

I want to be a better teacher not because it makes my inner world more peaceful, but because it is an important contribution to the outer world. Lately, I am finding my progress as a teacher paralyzed because of my insecurities. For a long time now I have tried to put the past behind me. I did that because it was the only way I could survive in the profession. I just tried to focus outside of myself and forget my insecurities. It kind of worked, but my insecurities about myself as a teacher have been my constant companions for the last two years.

Why do I get so upset over a parent who is clearly being unreasonable? Why am I so stressed when one lesson doesn't go well? Why am I incapable of having a classroom observation without being exceedingly nervous? It is because somewhere inside me is the belief that I can't do it, I shouldn't do it, and I will never learn.

I don't like thinking about that voice. I don't particularly like writing about that voice, but I am going to attempt to settle my insecurities and find that confidence through writing in the same way that I settle my thoughts. There was a definite point in time where I became insecure. I want my confidence back.

1 comment:

Amy McLamb said...

We all have these same insecurities. What good are they? Think about what you would tell one of your students who said these things to you. Would you tell them they are right? Would you tell them to keep dwelling on them? No. Remember that children are very perceptive and will pick up on your insecurities. As a teacher you are model for your students. They are watching everything you do and say. They watch you and imitate your actions and words. My advice for you is to keep writing about these feelings and get them out of your system. I know you are a caring teacher because it shows in your writing. It is good to know that such a caring person is in the classroom.