My head is really full right now. I don't know how else to explain my current situation. I have a hyperactive brain. It hardly even sleeps--I remember what I dream almost every night. Usually, I remember two or three dreams each night. I think about a lot of things at once. My brain is like my desk and like my closet gets when I don't pay careful attention. It is just full of messy piles. Only my brain is much worse than my desk or closet. Have you ever seen that show Hoarders? Sometimes I think I am like a hoarder of thoughts. I've already stored twenty-six thoughts and ideas about a given philosophy or story, but I still want to get some more.
Writing is therapeutic for me because it helps declutter my brain. Every night when I write I have to choose from all of the thoughts. It really is hard for me to choose. I listen to music and try to write what incorporates a lot of my random, uncontrollable thoughts. When I finish writing, I can sleep better. I know that my head will feel full again within twenty-four hours, but it eases the pressure.
Usually, I try to write about thoughts that will make my mind more settled and peaceful. I write about anything in my day's thinking that needs to be resolved.
Those are the selfish reasons that I write. I just want to clean up my inner world by dumping my thoughts on paper. That is blunt, but true.
In my life, though, I have more responsibility than to just sit around thinking. Like Plato, maybe I wish I was just a philosopher king who could think all day. There is so much purpose for me in my work as a teacher. That is why that is the primary theme of this blog.
I want to be a better teacher not because it makes my inner world more peaceful, but because it is an important contribution to the outer world. Lately, I am finding my progress as a teacher paralyzed because of my insecurities. For a long time now I have tried to put the past behind me. I did that because it was the only way I could survive in the profession. I just tried to focus outside of myself and forget my insecurities. It kind of worked, but my insecurities about myself as a teacher have been my constant companions for the last two years.
Why do I get so upset over a parent who is clearly being unreasonable? Why am I so stressed when one lesson doesn't go well? Why am I incapable of having a classroom observation without being exceedingly nervous? It is because somewhere inside me is the belief that I can't do it, I shouldn't do it, and I will never learn.
I don't like thinking about that voice. I don't particularly like writing about that voice, but I am going to attempt to settle my insecurities and find that confidence through writing in the same way that I settle my thoughts. There was a definite point in time where I became insecure. I want my confidence back.