Monday, June 14, 2010

Step Outside

For once, I am at a loss for words. If you read this blog or if you know me, then you know that is so not normal for me. I had so much pressure on me and have put so much pressure on myself in my teaching responsibilities for the last three years (at twenty-five that is a significant portion of my life, over ten percent) that even I didn't realize how much it affected me. Suddenly, when I finished a whole year successfully, all the pressure is gone.

Suddenly, I have rose-colored glasses, and I feel so strange. For some reason, I love peanutbutter now. How did I never realize it is so good?! I go to the grocery store and notice two guys checking me out, and instead of being indignant I am flattered. I watched two movies this weekend and LOVED them both. I can't remember being able to stay focused on an entire movie for a very long time. I was reading my book in Starbucks and laughing out loud.

I just want to go out with my friends and party. It used to stress me out to stay out late because I thought about being tired later.

If a man were released from prison, I imagine that the grass would seem greener and the roses would smell sweeter. So it is, to be out from under pressure for the first time in three years. How sad would it be, though, if the liberated man didn't do something with his life and freedom? It is time for me to do something--anything really. I did what I had to do and worked hard to become proficient in my profession.

I'll always keep trying to learn, but now I have to learn to live without the nagging concern that I'll fail professionally. Now I have to learn to relax. So far, I am startingly adept to that. I know that the aspects of my personality that are more driven and perfectionistic probably won't lay dormant forever, but right now those are the last things that could describe me.

What's next for me? I don't know. I just feel like it is something.

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