I leave tomorrow, for a week. Don't expect to hear from me for a week. Not that you would, I guess I have been quiet lately. I get like that.
I dreamed last night that I was sitting on a patio cafe. I saw on the road two eighteen wheel trucks fast approaching each other. They met and with great speed both metal monsters veered directly toward cafe. I realized that it was too late to run away, so I hid under the table and thought, "What good will this table do? Either metal will crush me or I will escape under it." I thought that maybe this was it, and then I thought, "Well, I will see what happens next." I wasn't afraid, but I wasn't sure either. Would God be waiting for me? Perhaps Hell or maybe nothing? I just didn't know.
When I was younger everything just seemed so black and white. Faith was an anchor and everything made sense. Then, I woke up one day and my world looked grey. Still, my heart longs to be good, to know God, and to live in light. It's just that what is good doesn't seem such a cut and dry question.
My faith is like an insurance policy and my prayers feel like I am talking to a therapist. It's like I don't expect an answer.
I believe in God, as I always have. It's just that lately I wonder if He is very different than I thought.
A whole week with my family will be interesting because they remain black and white and sure of God.