Something you might not know about me is that my undergraduate degree is a dual major. It is elementary education and Bible. I have thorough background in protestant theology and literal interpretation of the Bible.
I was thinking about David and how he was so close to God, the God, who created everything. He lived in a palace and he was king, but he screwed up everything. I don't actually know how old he was at this point, but I imagine that he was about twenty-five. There has been a lot of theological discussion on why he fell away from God and why he did it. I think he did it because he got so wrapped up in life that God's influence grew dimmer. He lost his focus.
That's why I think he was twenty-five. I feel like I might lose focus too.
I talk to God all the time. I always have. I used pray just in case there was a God who was listening. Then, I prayed because I always got answers. Now, I pray because I know God is listening anyway and I figure I might as well talk to him directly.
I know God is listening to me. I know in some sense what He wants of me, but lately his voice is dimmer.
My heart says go to church and I try, but it's like all I ever hear about is how to raise kids and build godly marriage. They are always saying that those of us who are not married should pray for our future families. I never talk to God about that, though, unless someone tells me to. I talk to God about the real and the tangible and I ask him questions. I just don't want to talk to him about a fictional marriage and children.
I feel like church wants me to fit into this box for women that I don't fit into. I ask God if that is really what He wants from me then why none of those things seem to fall into place. I don't believe that God is like a mettlesome parent pressuring me to meet a nice boy and settle down. Church is like that, though.
That is why I feel a little lost at church and a little more at home out on the town. Yet, I am trying to be faithful to what God wants from me. I stay anchored to the good, right, and true; but I feel like I am already out on the roof questioning the life I have and wondering what might be out there.