Happy One Year to Me

The following was what I said when I began this blog one year ago.

I never thought that I would be the type to keep an anonymous blog, but I never thought I would be embroiled in politics and so obsessed with work that I would need a private pedestal to say what I really think. I think most of us who go into education just want to help people, and that is what I wanted. Now, though, a year and a half into it, I think it is time for me to ask some hard questions. Am I really helping anyone? Is that still why I'm doing it? So, I've decided to embrace my second love outside of teaching: writing. This blog will chronicle my journey into a second year of teaching and my true answer to the hard questions.

I started this blog because I needed to work out some difficult issues without fear of giving the wrong answer. Now, two and a half years into my career as a teacher I am in a very different place, but this blog has helped me sort out difficult questions.

Personally, this blog has been a journal that honestly chronicled my thoughts and feelings about my job. Oddly enough, we spend more hours at work than anywhere else, but we don't have a lot of time to honestly reflect on how issues at our jobs affect us. Writing honestly about my struggles (and this year has been filled with a lot of them) helped me deal with issues that I don't know how I would have dealt with otherwise. Reading other blogs also helped me gain a greater perspective about the field of education as a whole. I have only worked for one school, one district, and until this year one principal. I had a hard time gauging if I was having one bad experience with one principal or if this was the norm. I think I have found that the answer was that not every situation was a bad one but part of education is sticking with your job even when it is a bad situation and takes its toll on you. Reading other blogs helped me think about my own situation far more reasonably. It has also been great to have encouraging comments and to know that readers have followed my journey with me. Thank you to everyone who reads this blog. I hadn't thought that much about people reading this when I first started writing, but that has been such an encouragement to me.

Now, in my second year of blogging, as I think more about people reading my blog, I want to say what I hope readers will get out of it.

I hope that if you read this blog and you are new to teaching, like myself, that you can be encouraged. There have been times that I was really discouraged as a teacher; there were days I had to just try to keep my head held high and make it through. It is hard to start out teaching and all the pressures don't make it any easier. A lot of people in education don't like to talk about their failures and struggles; I hope if you read about mine, it will give you courage to face your own struggles.

I hope if you read this blog and are a more experienced educator it will inspire you to support your colleagues who are new to teaching. In my teaching career, there have been people who I will always remember for helping me learn, grow, and just for encouraging me; unfortunately, there have also been people who were very discouraging and made it much harder.

I hope if you read this blog and you are not an educator it makes you think about the human side of teaching. Teaching is a career that asks you to put your heart out there. In a world where legislation demands that teachers take responsiblity for every student failure, it takes a toll on our hearts. I never understood how hard it would be to struggle with issues like child abuse, poverty, and illness until I started teaching. It is a hard calling to keep caring even when it hurts to care.

Hooray for Azithromycin

I am feeling much better today. I didn't sleep through the whole night yet, but the terrible pain in my throat is gone now. I am not constantly shivering anymore. I ate some legitimate food.

BFFs team has been great while I have been so sick. They covered for me when my sub was there. I also got a hilarious e-mail with a picture of me drinking emergen-c on Thursday night before the musical with accusations I was home with a hangover and was actually watching New Moon on Friday. I was actually supposed to go see it after school on Friday, but was home with strep instead.

Crying Shame

Whenever I get really sick, I turn into a weepy mess. Today I first cried while watching the Today Show because there was this Grandma who is putting together packages for the troops. I cried when I checked my facebook because my new team is so great when I am sick. I cried at CVS waiting for my perscription because it took an extra hour when there was some miscommunication about the doctor's DEO. I cried when I watched the Bones episode online because of poor Agent Booth. I cried during the Ronald McDonald House commercial. I also cried during the food commercials because I am really hungry and it hurts to eat anything. I cannot wait to get over this!!!!!

So Sick and It Is Not Fun At All

I went to Urgent Care this morning after my sore sore throat kept me up all night. I was diagnosed with strep throat (a malady I had frequently as a kid, but I don't remember it being this bad). How sick am I? So sick that I left no sub plans at all and didn't think about it all day. I can't wait to be better!

Step Right Up, Step Right Up!

Come one, come all to the big show. Welcome to the third grade musical. A magical show where teachers get extra prep, students are not talking (because they are singing), and hand motions abound!!!!!

It has to be said that my students this year are great little dancers. When I taught fifth grade, the attitude factor was so high that it took away from the quality of the musical. The third graders try hard though. Don't get me wrong, I already think my head will explode if I hear the songs one more time (unfortunately, I will hear the songs three more times tomorrow during the two dress rehearsals and the final performance, so this is not good).

I really do like the musicals though. Kids are funny and cute when they are trying to sing and do hand motions.

P.S. The kids are not singing praise songs to Obama. It had to be said. There are still normal school musicals out there.

Good Quotes Good Times

I had the kids doing an activity with play money. They had to pay for tools they were using to do a project. They were handing me the money, but it wasn't working very well, so I put a bin in the middle of the room. "This is just like church," one kid observed.

I put an activity on my smartboard with frogs jumping along the number line. The kids were doing the subtraction and moving the frog along the line to jump on lily pads. "Kiss it; maybe it will turn into a prince" the kids cheered to me as I moved the frog along. Maybe I should have listened!

Our school had a lockdown drill today. You have to lock the door to your classroom, close the curtains, and stay on the other side of the room until it is over. The drill took place while my kids were at art. "I may just be on lock down all day," I e-mailed the other teachers.

Changes In Me

I took my midterm tonight and I did well, but it didn't feel very good. Mrs. Bear, one of my best friends these days, had been studying all semester and didn't do well. I turned my test over and averted any questions about my score. Why did I do this? Because I knew how she felt.

The truth is that I might have thought about downplaying my score or recognized her feelings a year ago, but now I empathize. For once in my life, I had to learn what it is like to try your very best at something and still fail miserably. Don't get me wrong; I fail miserably in my personal life ALL THE TIME, but until last year, I had never ever failed in any academic or career venture. That carries it's own unique brand of suffering and it made me a better person and teacher to experience that.

It's paradoxical, but as teachers sometimes our greatest successes and strengths are our handicaps. Our weaknesses and failures are often the keys to reaching students.

When I started teaching, I didn't get it. I had a very difficult time helping students with learning difficulties because I had no first hand experience with frustration in learning. Of course, my learning abilities drove me to want to be a teacher, but they made it hard for me to teach. Mrs. Bear helped me to understand students who learn slowly and differently. Her learning disability gave her insight I never would have had.

My failure last year made me feel what students feel when they can't learn something even though they try hard. I had never felt that before. Tonight was the first time I realized what a profound effect that had on me.

There are a lot of reasons I wish last year never happened. It will probably take me years (if I ever get it) to restore my confidence in myself as a teacher. Tonight made me realize, though, that in the long run, I might be better for going through all of this. I was forced to make some changes I needed to make.