What I Know

It's Thursday. That means a lot of my colleagues across the country--and maybe the world--are stumbling over to their couches with bags under their eyes feeling exhausted and wondering how they can keep up the pace for another day. I wonder if anyone else turns on the news only to hear incessant complaining about lazy teachers. I wonder how these television personalities who still have energy left at 5pm call me lazy.

I turned off the television and logged onto facebook. The parents of my little nonreader had posted a picture of he and I from the first day of school. That was six months ago now.

I remember very clearly the first weeks of school with him. I remember him tracing the alphabet above my white board with his fingers. I remember him laboring over each letter, one by one. I remember him failing every test of basic literacy.

Here we are six months later, and his life is headed in a different direction. He isn't reading at grade level yet, but he is reading. He's receiving resource services. He's receiving pull out literacy services.

As a teacher, I am constantly having unattainable goals put before me. In fact, by the measure of No Child Left Behind my work with nonreader is a failure because he will probably still score novice on his standardized testing. As a teacher, I've often felt like I am sinking under the heavy burdens placed on me.

So, what is success? By the rif rubric, it is going to meetings and serving on committees and years spent in the classroom. By accountability, it is my students scoring proficiently on state testing.

I promised myself that he would read before he finished the year with me. I promised myself not because it was a smart goal, not because I wanted more points to keep my job, not because I wanted my test scores to go up, but because here was a child who needed something I could give.

As I looked at the picture of us on the first day of school all the noise of what's wrong with teachers and education dissolved. It was quiet in my heart and head and I knew once again why I keep doing this.

Paint Myself a New Door

You know, in cartoons, when the character gets into a tight spot and he paints himself a door through which to escape? I've always envied that ability. Painting's not my thing though, so this post is my attempt to paint my way out of my dark mood.

I think my last two posts speak for themselves about the mood I've been in. Unfortunately, that mood has been compounded by one of my students. I'm going to refer to this student as the Hulk. He grows angry, turns green, and rips through walls and things. Lately the Hulk seems to be in a permanent Hulk state. To make matters worse, the Hulk appears to be the head of his household, so dealing with the Hulk's parents is like dealing with an extension of the Hulk. One of my favorite co-workers, likes to refer to the phenomenon of difficult children with difficult parents as Apple-Tree-Syndrome. That would be an apt term for this situation.

I could go on about the Hulk for a while, and how I might have to become Wonderwoman and channel my Amazonian power to defeat him, but I digress. My purpose tonight was to paint myself a door--not to go on about the laundry list of things I am not to thrilled with about my job right now.

So, instead of writing about the Hulk, I am writing about Bob tonight.

When I first met Bob, at Meet-the-Teacher, I literally couldn't understand a word he said. I found out that he had just come out of a self-contained classroom and I secretly went home that night and cried because I didn't know how to teach someone with that level of special need.

I didn't know then that Bob would make every day brighter for me. As a teacher, you don't expect your students to do that, but that is just who Bob is. When I first met Bob, all I saw was the academic deficits I have been trained to recognize, but I didn't see Bob's gift. He makes you feel better. He has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met. I can't explain his gift, but I will try to describe it.

*Whenever anyone, child or adult, says "hello" to Bob or acknowledges him in any way, he acts like that person just gave him a million dollars.

*If anyone, including me, is having a rough day, Bob will bring them a picture of them. Sometimes we're super heroes and sometimes we're all just happy, but in Bob's pictures we all look great.

*When Bob reads a word or gets a question right, I think the heavens smile down on him. When he gets something right, my class spontaneously erupts into genuine applause, and this started without my doing anything to start it. When Bob gets something right, you just want to cheer for him.

*Bob smiles all the time. All the time.

A lot of my young scholars this year are about to drive me crazy. They have some of the most difficult personalities of any students I have ever worked with. There are about eight of them, and the crazy eight get under each other's skin too. You know what, though, Bob likes every one of them. There are some kids that are difficult for me to like this year, but they are not difficult for Bob to like.

The Pink Earring

It is like God is testing my resolve to blog about the brighter side of teaching by supplying me with an abundance of blog-worthy situations (ie legitimate complaints burning to get out of my mouth) (ie tear inducing, stress inducing incidents). Anyway, I haven't been so positive.

I was getting myself worked up on the way to work yesterday (ie feeling sorry for myself) (ie brainstorming better careers) (ie pondering injustice) (ie feeling bad about the fact that I can't control the way things are) (ie trying not to cry and ruin my makeup). Anyway, it was about 6am and I walked into good old room 24. My intervention table in the back was empty save one cheap, pink and silver, dangling earring.

On Thursday, one of the "lost boys" as I call them came up to me and presented me with the worthy gift. It was the end of the day, and I was attempting to get the kids to pack up quietly (it sounds a lot easier than it is). He walks up to me, proudly holding his closed fist in front of him. He gives a huge grin and opens his hand to reveal the earring. Now, this same student has brought an interesting list of things to school including hot sauce (the entire bottle), a spoon, an old cell phone, and a candle. "Is that your mom's," I asked him, "She'll probably be wanting it back."

"No, I found it," he explained, "It's pretty. I want you to have it."

"Thank you," I said smiling. I laid it on the back table and forgot about it.

The next day, as I was pondering how I don't get any respect or sleep or a reasonable pay check, I saw the silver and pink, dangling earring on that table alone. I can't explain how, but I realized that I do get something. There is something about the pink, probably stolen, earring that is the "why" I stay in this profession when all of the bad stuff seems overwhelming.

Differentiation for Us???

If I were going to describe being a new teacher to someone outside of education world, I would ask them to think about writing their first substantial paper (in college or high school or whatever). No matter how well you were prepped, no matter how talented of a writer you are, and no matter if you felt anxiety; chances are that you didn't know what the hell you were doing when you brought your pen to the paper or started clicking the keys on that keyboard. Your only option was to jump in. If you read your first composition now, you would probably be shocked at what you were willing to turn in.

So, being a new teacher is like writing your first composition. It's like writing your first composition with the requirement that the composition is 500 pages long. In the end, it would be kind of a miracle that you actually completed such a marathon of paper writing or teaching as it were, but ultimately the quality of your piece would likely be quite low.

To complete a paper like that would take guts and commitment and heart. If, in the middle of your paper-writing miracle of a marathon, someone were to tell you, "You're terrible at this and this paper is just awful. In fact, you should be sorry for any unsuspecting reader that might be subjected to the torture of this monstrosity," it would be devastating. After such discouragement, it would be difficult to grow into the teacher or the writer you might become.

I say this because now that I am not a new teacher my perspective has changed. I can see clearly the mistakes I made. Having learned a lot of lessons, I can see a lot of the lessons I needed to learn. I can also see just how monumental the task I was undertaking was. I can see how fragile and vulnerable that made me. I wish that the people in charge of me at that time would have looked for the potential to encourage instead of critiquing my performance.

We had a staff meeting today that reminded me of a staff meeting we had two years ago, during my second year of teaching. I had gotten in trouble earlier in the day because a little girl said jokingly to a little boy in my class, "I'll kill you," and I failed to report it. Well, the parent of the little boy called the police and filed charges against the little girl. I was already feeling terrible about this. The administration ended the staff meeting by making an example out of my situation about what not to do. It was what it was, but I remember the moment that it dawned on me where the example was going, and I remember everyone who hadn't heard trying to guess who this story was about.

Today at our staff meeting, the principal started relaying a story that moved him about a teacher differentiating to a special ed student in her class and the great impact this was having on the boy. At the moment that I realized the story was about me, I had a vivid memory of the negative story shared about me by the former principal in a staff meeting.

Today was a good moment, and maybe things like this do something to heal the confidence issues I still have from things I experienced as a new teacher. The thing is that both of the stories about me were objectively true. I really screwed up in the first instance, and I did a good job in the second one. I just don't think a new teacher always needs an objective evaluation. Maybe teachers just need a little differentiation too.

I Don't Want to Give Up My Class This Year

I had such a great group of kids this year, and we've been through a lot together. I actually got a little choked up today giving out the end of the year awards I made for the kids.

The first award that got to me was for the little girl who got on my nerves this year. Of all the kids in my class, she was the hardest one, but I gave her an award for making creative and beautiful projects (which is very true). The part that almost got to me was that all of the other students guessed who the award was for. Sometimes this girl was tough for them to get along with too, and I love that they all still saw her strength just like I did. I actually got a really nice e-mail from her mom today thanking me too. She was a tough case, but I would take her again=).

The second award that got to me was for my student who fought for her life this year. I already cried once when I read her essay about how she had a hard year because of her brain tumor, but she was so happy she had all of us to help her get through it. I almost cried reading her award about how she always did her best even when things were hard. I was just so happy that things ended well with her sitting there in my class ready to go to fourth grade.

The last award that got to me was for my student who has been learning English. It got to me because she understood the award. At the beginning of the year she came in so scared not knowing what was going on. She still has a long way to go, but she understood what her award was for.

It was hard for me to do class placement for next year because I want to keep them all. I haven't said that every year I've taught. I haven't wanted to keep an entire class any year, but I would love to have another year with these kids.

This year it was so tough for me to start out because of the difficult class I had the year before. I made a lot of mistakes and I was suffering from a total lack of confidence. Next year, I think it will be hard to get excited because this year was so good.

I needed this year. I was on the verge of not being able to do this job. If I had to deal with the type of administration I dealt with last year, then I think I would have ended up leaving the profession. If I had dealt with the number of difficult kids I dealt with last year, then I think it may have led to the end of my journey as a teacher. If I had dealt with parents as difficult as a couple of the ones I had last year, I am not sure I could have handled it. I am sad to see a good year end, but I am also much stronger than I started out. I have been encouraged enough to deal with the discouragements that come with the territory.

Every year is a gamble. As teachers, we play the hand we're dealt. I am ready though. Bring on whatever the future holds.

Strange Thought

Happy endings are kind of an oxymoron. Personally, I prefer an ending with a little more reality. You can call me cynical, but I haven't experienced many endings that aren't tinged with sadness, pain, and some regret. Who stands at a grave and thinks, "Wow, I really had enough time with this loved one"? Who wouldn't feel a twinge of sadness when her child grows up and moves out on his own? Who, when a break-up that needs to occur happens, feels joyful? It's a Wonderful Life is a great movie, but I feel the ending of Gone with the Wind.

The end of this school year may very well be the end of my time in this district or even my teaching career. As time ticks on, and we still do not know, the reality of that is more sobering. Maybe I shouldn't dwell on dark thoughts, but today I entertained the thought of what it would be like to find out I lost my job.

How would it be to know that I am closing the door of the three years I spent at my first professional job learning to be a teacher? How would it feel when the future hung in the air in total uncertainty?

It would feel scary and sad. I would feel the sting of separation from people I really care about. It would feel like an ending, but a happy ending in as much as those exist. I've been encouraged and if I walk away at least I know now that my time spent here did some good.

If I had been rifed last year, I would not have walked away feeling that. I would have walked away with the words of my former principal in my head "those kids didn't deserve to be novice." Words that haunt me still. Words that said those kids would be better off if you were never a teacher.

If I left last year, I would never have had a reason to come back. I've been encouraged this year, though. I thought I would never stop wondering if it would be better if I wasn't a teacher, but now I think that if they rif third year teachers this year then some kids will miss out on having a pretty good teacher who cares about them and wants to keep getting better.

So Long, Have Fun at Harry Potter School

One of my students moved to another school today. This student has only been in my class for nine weeks because he wasn't enrolled in class. He has been a bit of a challenge. He told crazy, fantasy-filled stories when he first came. He told my class that he came from Harry Potter School and that he is really twelve. He talks very loudly and very slowly.

He talks so slowly and loudly that it leads to some funny situations. One day, I had the kids doing a fluency activity where half of the class was reading a passage and then the other half was trying to read the passage with greater unity. Finally, the side of the class this kid was on said to me, "Can he just be our leader because we can't hear past his voice!" They won.

Anyway, this kid drove me crazy sometimes, but I am going to miss him a lot.

I have really loved teaching this group of kids. I am going to miss every one of them when they move on. They have made a huge impact on me, more than any group I've taught so far.

The little girl from China who has been learning English really reminded me what makes teaching so worth it even when it is hard. My little friend from Harry Potter School taught me a lot about seeing beauty in hard situations. The little girl battling cancer is a picture of courage and tenacity that will be with me always.

The hearts of all of my students have impacted me. Watching how they have befriended someone who cannot speak the same language, when one of my students just wanted to give his teddy bear to the little girl with cancer, when they've made big mistakes and still owned them, all of these things stay with me.

I am really trying to soak in all the great times I have had teaching this year. I really want to remember them, and when I might feel discouraged again, I'll remember that sometimes things go right and I am nothing but lucky and privileged to have the job I do.

I Am Not Paranoid; I Just Know Everyone Is Out to Get Me!!!!

Yesterday, I got this e-vite to my classroom observation from the new principal (maybe I should stop calling him that).

truth:Everyone is being observed before Thanksgiving and everyone is getting e-vites.

2nd truth: My old friend, Principal Sadie, never did an announced observation last year even though she is required to, so I should really feel better about the fact that the new principal is following protocal.

Anyway, I immediately became paranoid. I know Principal Sadie left a big fat file on me. She, of course, did not let me read it, but I can imagine. Actually, I once caught a brief glimpse of it when she slapped it in front of me to show me where she had highlighted all parent complaints given on fifth grade teachers. I was lucky enough to have all the complaints about any fifth grade teachers attributed to me. The surveys didn't say who, but she felt sure they were about me. Anyway, I've always been waiting for the new principal to follow whatever awful advice she gave him. (This advice probably included things like pointing out everything I do wrong or could do better and not giving me an inch because my intolerable insubordinance would kick in.) To the new principal's credit, he has left me alone completely. I couldn't have worked for anyone better this year, because if there is any key to me succeeding this year and continuing in teaching, it is that I need room to figure things out.

All this to say, that I was getting really paranoid. He said he was coming for my Reading block. "Oh no," I thought, "He must know that Reading is my weakest subject to teach. He probably already has a list of problems he wants to observe." I was getting really freaked out. What if he has a surprise file to slap in front of me?

This morning, the other third grade teachers were telling me that at our team meeting I missed on Wed they looked at the scores for district Reading tests and mine were really high. Apparently, the new principal told them he noticed this. Maybe he actually wants to look at what I might be doing right. Lord knows, I could use some attention for good test scores after all the "accountability" I got for low ones.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgG-Ilvd8GE

Thank You Mrs. Owl

Dear Mrs. Owl,

I know you are a vice principal now, and I can't think of anyone better for that job. In some ways, I imagine that vice principal is a harder job than principal. It is a fine line to be able to support a principal and still be accountability and a voice of reason when necessary. I know you will be so good.

I know you less than everyone else I've thanked, but that is why the help you gave me meant so much. You had nothing to gain by helping me. You weren't afraid to tell the principal her evaluation of me was wrong. I know that was a risk for you.

Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

Sincerely,
Ms. Understood

A Letter to My Teammates of Two Years

Dear Mrs. Bear, Mrs. Dear, and Mr. Bull,

When I first met the three of you, it was hard for me to resist the urge to call you Mrs. and Mr. instead of using your first names. You all seemed like real teachers, and I had been a student for sixteen years. You are all old enough to be my parents and it would have been really easy for you to just roll your eyes when a twenty-two year old novice teacher joined your team. I expected you to feel that way, and I wouldn't have blamed you.

You never had the attitudes I anticipated. You all treated me like an important member of the team, and you believed in me from day one. You have been and always will be that voice in my head that told me I am making a difference and should keep trying.

I remember on the day when the principal told me she was making me move to third grade and I was so sad watching all three of you fight back tears. I know, Mrs. Bear that you were crying in your room later because you didn't want to make things any worse for me. You guys moved all my stuff and kept being great teammates to me even when I wasn't your teammate anymore.

I like the team that I am on now and they've been great to me as well. My new team thinks that when I came to your team two years ago that you were so lucky to get me out of all the new hires, but I know that your faith in me is what made me learn so much. I also know that I owe you three a bigger thank you than I'll ever owe them because you had me when I was learning and struggling. I always hoped that I would be a good investment for our team because I would continue to grow and learn; as you know, it didn't work out that way. I'll continue to have new teammates and do different things throughout my career, but you three will always be a part of that because I try to be a little like all of you in my teaching.

Miss You,
Ms. Understood

Thank You!

Thanks to Joel from "So You Want to Teach" for sharing my blog. I have been doing a lot of reflecting recently about where I am in my attitude towards teaching and where I've been. If you've read much of my blog, you've known much about my frustrations and doubts. It is time, now, for me to share some of my inspirations. I have dealt with a couple of difficult colleagues, a couple of difficult parents, and a couple of difficult kids. I have also been privileged to deal with some amazing people. They don't read this blog, because I blog anonymously, but I still want to say thank you in some cosmic way. My next series of posts will be thank you letters for people who helped me and are helping me find my way as a teacher. This first one is to a student I have this year in my third grade classroom (names have been changed).

Dear Xing,

At Meet the Teacher, when I first met you, I was at a crossroads as a teacher. I wasn't teaching a gradelevel I wanted to teach. I wasn't feeling confident in my abilities as a teacher. I was passively planning to do my job because I couldn't think of a better option.

I remember when you walked in that hot, August night. You looked so little to me! I remember I was talking veraciously to you, and you were looking at me with your curious eyes. The words I was saying were nonsense to you, and you were so scared to enter a world where nothing made sense. It was your first year in the country and I knew you would remember it forever.

I went home that night and I cried. How could I be there for your first year in this new world and fail to give you and our classroom my whole heart? I knew I couldn't do that. Thank you for helping me change my mind.

You came to school not even knowing your name in English. You wore a brave smile every day. You helped me remember why I want to do this.

Now you are speaking short sentences and reading little books. You smile and wave and greet me with my name every morning. Your Uncle is always thanking me for my patience with you. I know, though, that no matter how much you learn this year you taught me more.

Yours Truly,
Ms. Understood

Hope and the Difficult Journey

Last year, I was always writing depressed posts on Sunday nights because it was really hard for me to think about dealing with the stressful situation I was in for another work week. I am happy to report that I don't feel that way now. I actually am excited to go to work on Mondays. Well, I am a little excited; I do still work from about 6:30am until at least 7:00pm on Mondays due to my graduate class. It's tiring, but I feel good about what I am doing now. I thought this Sunday, I would post some advice for anyone who is having one of those difficult years right now. Who knows if anyone actually even reads this, but if perhaps you do and you are having one of those hard years I want to send a little hope your way. I know when I was having a really hard time I needed every bit of hope people could send.

If things are hard and you feel really frustrated with your situation or your class, don't beat yourself up about it. Sometimes things are hard and it's natural to feel frustrated. The trick is to never give up. You're probably not a saint or a god and you will make mistakes and you might not wake up every morning and think, "I can't wait to see the dear children." It doesn't mean your a bad person. Really, I was beginning to wonder if I even liked working with kids, but after getting out of the stressful situation I realize that the kids were not really what was stressing me out.

Stay around positive people. The thing that really kept me from quitting was the people who looked for the positive in education and in others. It is tempting to find complainers and go on and on about your woes, but it certainly doesn't cure them. Sometimes, last year, I just had to listen to people who had nice things to say because I really didn't feel that way myself. I am glad I put their words in my head because they made me question my beliefs that maybe all this isn't for me.

Put negative words behind you. I am not saying that you should ignore all criticism. I do believe that all criticism has some truth and we can and should learn from it. Sometimes, though, people say really hurtful things. Unfortunately, the world of education is often a very mean spirited place. It is political and there are people who will step on who they need to in order to climb the ladder. Sometimes, you have to learn from people like that how you can improve and then forget that you ever knew them. I am still working on this one myself. Even if I just learn from the person who really hurt my teaching spirit that someday twenty years down the road if I should happen to be overseeing people who are learning this profession that I should invest a little kindness, it will be a good lesson.

Well, I am about done writing for tonight, but I do have one more celebration. This blog has really been a chronicle of my teaching journey as a young and inexperienced teacher. I started it as an outlet when I was having a hard time. If you read all my posts about administration they are not positive because I did not have a positive relationship with my former administrator. Unfortunately, administration was my most frequent post topic. I also had a huge category of posts labeled discouragement because that is where I was at. Yesterday, I had more idea posts than administration posts for the first time and tonight is my first encouragement post. That shows something about where I've come from and where I'm at now. If you're not feeling joyful yet, don't quit. Journeys aren't worth much if you quit. I think I always knew that my journey hadn't ended yet--even when I really wanted to quit. I am glad that I am still on this crazy journey. I hope this really is encouraging!