Strange Thought

Happy endings are kind of an oxymoron. Personally, I prefer an ending with a little more reality. You can call me cynical, but I haven't experienced many endings that aren't tinged with sadness, pain, and some regret. Who stands at a grave and thinks, "Wow, I really had enough time with this loved one"? Who wouldn't feel a twinge of sadness when her child grows up and moves out on his own? Who, when a break-up that needs to occur happens, feels joyful? It's a Wonderful Life is a great movie, but I feel the ending of Gone with the Wind.

The end of this school year may very well be the end of my time in this district or even my teaching career. As time ticks on, and we still do not know, the reality of that is more sobering. Maybe I shouldn't dwell on dark thoughts, but today I entertained the thought of what it would be like to find out I lost my job.

How would it be to know that I am closing the door of the three years I spent at my first professional job learning to be a teacher? How would it feel when the future hung in the air in total uncertainty?

It would feel scary and sad. I would feel the sting of separation from people I really care about. It would feel like an ending, but a happy ending in as much as those exist. I've been encouraged and if I walk away at least I know now that my time spent here did some good.

If I had been rifed last year, I would not have walked away feeling that. I would have walked away with the words of my former principal in my head "those kids didn't deserve to be novice." Words that haunt me still. Words that said those kids would be better off if you were never a teacher.

If I left last year, I would never have had a reason to come back. I've been encouraged this year, though. I thought I would never stop wondering if it would be better if I wasn't a teacher, but now I think that if they rif third year teachers this year then some kids will miss out on having a pretty good teacher who cares about them and wants to keep getting better.