Well, I wrote about how I feel about my job, but I think I want to write about that other thing on my mind. Obviously, if you read my somewhat inebriated (although really that had a lot more to do with confusion than alcohol) post last night, then you know I am struggling with this guy who came to this city.
I think I am realizing that I really want to meet someone. I was wondering if I chose work over love--as a priority at least I think I did. I think I was dreaming about a job that would be fulfilling when other girls were dreaming about a spouse. Yet, last year, when I was doing my dream job and it didn't feel like a dream at all; I saw how desperately I need more balance in my life. I think it would be really nice to meet someone.
Then, here comes this guy. He is so nice. He's so loyal. He's been waiting for me and he tells me I'm beautiful. He's right here and it would be so easy. I really wish that I had strong feelings for him. He told me this story last night.
He was teaching a TESOL class in Mexico this summer. He invited some of his students (his students are adults) over to his house and they went up on the roof to look at the stars which he swears are so much brighter there. One of his students says to the group, "What are you're dreams?" Everyone in the group has these great dreams.
Finally, they get to him and he says, "You know I don't care what I do and what I have. My dream is just to have a wife who loves me and to have a family and to make them happy."
I have to admit that his speech and his dream was beautiful. I think that as I am growing up and getting some of what I think I want, my dreams are changing because family and love is so much better.
I was talking to my other friend who is teaching in S. Korea the other day and I said to him, "Will you do me a favor?"
Without missing a beat, he replies, "Of course, anything." Even though, I'm not in love with this person either, I couldn't help but think, "That is so nice and I am really ready for that person in my life who always answers that way."
The thing, though, about my friend who is here now and his beautiful dreams of marraige and making someone happy forever, is that I know that he thinks it might be or is me, but I know that it's not. I don't love him. It's just a nice idea and speaks to something that we both want.
All that aside, I think I have an ugly task ahead of me because I get the feeling I'll have to crush his dream, at least of me, again, soon. He keeps calling me and doesn't seem eager to see his family here as he is to see me. I know how badly he feels every time I put him off, but I can't play this game like we are going to be together and then let him down. Yes, I have been confused, but I know what I need to do.
I hope that he finds his dream.
