The Things That Keep Me Awake at Night

On the first day of school, 23 eager, energetic, sweet, energetic (did I already say that) eight year olds poured into room 24. I had prepped for them all kinds of get to know you activities. I clearly wrote every direction on the board or smartboard in simple language. I didn't plan anything academic because I wanted to give the kids a chance to learn the classroom rules and get to know each other. Quickly I noticed that one little boy wasn't doing any of the activities. He wasn't defiant or drawing attention to himself. He was just a passive observer. I noticed it, but I let it be for the first day of school.

On the second day of school, I passed out supplies to my motley crew and began introducing subjects. During writing, I wanted the kids to start prepping their writing journals. I had them flip to the end of their journals and write each letter of the alphabet on a separate page of their journals (this will serve as their dictionaries). All the students had finished when I noticed that the passive observer was still on letter "B". He was looking at the cursive alphabet that ran above the whiteboard and copying down each letter in cursive (because he wasn't sure which letter each symbol was and he didn't know the order the letters went in). When I verbally fed him each letter he was able to write them, but he needed me to say each letter because he didn't know the order of the alphabet.

As time went on, he began to bring me papers and ask very quietly "what word is this," or "what does this mean?" I gave him a phonics screener and to my surprise he failed the first category (cvc words). I gave him a sight word screener and to my surprise he missed words as simple as "at." I gave him a fluency screener and he scored 28 wcpm with 40% accuracy.

This child went to a private school in another state prior to third grade and when I pulled his file, I was shocked to see that he passed second grade with middle marks. He had been shipped across the country over the summer to live with his mom, after having lived with his dad, and it seems that no one had realized that this little boy couldn't read, after three years in school.

I know what it means for him if he leaves third grade without being able to read. The statistics are grim. My eyes fill with tears every time that I think about him making it through three years of school without significant intervention. I pledge to myself that he will read by the end of the year. I know it can be done, but it keeps me up at night to think about how.

Differentiation for Us???

If I were going to describe being a new teacher to someone outside of education world, I would ask them to think about writing their first substantial paper (in college or high school or whatever). No matter how well you were prepped, no matter how talented of a writer you are, and no matter if you felt anxiety; chances are that you didn't know what the hell you were doing when you brought your pen to the paper or started clicking the keys on that keyboard. Your only option was to jump in. If you read your first composition now, you would probably be shocked at what you were willing to turn in.

So, being a new teacher is like writing your first composition. It's like writing your first composition with the requirement that the composition is 500 pages long. In the end, it would be kind of a miracle that you actually completed such a marathon of paper writing or teaching as it were, but ultimately the quality of your piece would likely be quite low.

To complete a paper like that would take guts and commitment and heart. If, in the middle of your paper-writing miracle of a marathon, someone were to tell you, "You're terrible at this and this paper is just awful. In fact, you should be sorry for any unsuspecting reader that might be subjected to the torture of this monstrosity," it would be devastating. After such discouragement, it would be difficult to grow into the teacher or the writer you might become.

I say this because now that I am not a new teacher my perspective has changed. I can see clearly the mistakes I made. Having learned a lot of lessons, I can see a lot of the lessons I needed to learn. I can also see just how monumental the task I was undertaking was. I can see how fragile and vulnerable that made me. I wish that the people in charge of me at that time would have looked for the potential to encourage instead of critiquing my performance.

We had a staff meeting today that reminded me of a staff meeting we had two years ago, during my second year of teaching. I had gotten in trouble earlier in the day because a little girl said jokingly to a little boy in my class, "I'll kill you," and I failed to report it. Well, the parent of the little boy called the police and filed charges against the little girl. I was already feeling terrible about this. The administration ended the staff meeting by making an example out of my situation about what not to do. It was what it was, but I remember the moment that it dawned on me where the example was going, and I remember everyone who hadn't heard trying to guess who this story was about.

Today at our staff meeting, the principal started relaying a story that moved him about a teacher differentiating to a special ed student in her class and the great impact this was having on the boy. At the moment that I realized the story was about me, I had a vivid memory of the negative story shared about me by the former principal in a staff meeting.

Today was a good moment, and maybe things like this do something to heal the confidence issues I still have from things I experienced as a new teacher. The thing is that both of the stories about me were objectively true. I really screwed up in the first instance, and I did a good job in the second one. I just don't think a new teacher always needs an objective evaluation. Maybe teachers just need a little differentiation too.

Playing Well

Most kids "play hookie" every once in a while. They can enjoy a day of rest at home. For my whole life, I have not been able to enjoy a day of rest on a school day because I feel like I am missing something.

When I was eight years old, I remember distinctly catching a terrible sore throat (it actually turned out to be strep throat). I hated staying at home so much that I did everything I could to hide my sickness. I had goosebumps sitting in my third grade classroom, but tried to hide it. After school, I went over to my friend's house, but I was too sick to play. I fell asleep in my friend's play tent. I still wouldn't have confessed that I was sick, but my friend's mom told my mom.

In college, I would sometimes walk to class in the snow with a terrible cold. I couldn't stand missing my class due to sickness (ironically, I was okay with missing it for other reasons).

Now, at twenty-five, I still haven't outgrown my "playing well". I've been going to work with no voice. I've been waking up at night feeling bad and going to work on barely any sleep.

Today, though, I quit fighting it. When I woke up at 2:30am, unable to sleep due to my painful sore throat and cough, I wrote up sub plans. I must confess, though, I had my work laptop open to my e-mail and right by my side the whole day!

Have You Seen My Voice?

Don't ask me why I am on such a Disney kick, but if my classroom was a mythological ocean and coast, then I would be Ariel. That's right folks I had a bout of laryngitis on Friday. By the end of the day, I had no voice at all.

I got a lot of suggestions from my tribe. The kids were just sure that if I cleared my throat, my voice would be restored. Some of them told me that "boogers can get stuck in your throat." I have to say, though, they were very compassionate. They were quiet and attentive all day long. Apparently, they were still up to their usual tricks in Music. One thing I know, though, they can do it.

If I do find my voice after the magic three day mark (mu laryngitis usually lasts three days), I may just fake it on Monday...

Wendy and the Lost Boys

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When I think of my class this year, I can only think of two words: rowdy boys. I've got those ADD, fightin' on then playground, writin' so hard with their pencils that they break, loud-voiced boys. I think if my classroom were Neverland (not the Michael Jackson one people) then they would be the lost boys and I would be Wendy. I actually rather like all of my students, but they are a tough crowd to teach. They're not like the group I had two years ago because a lot of those kids enjoyed hurting others. This group is full of nice kids, but I think riddilin should start coming out of my drinking fountain.

Right now, my desks are still in groups, but based on the number of kids I have with concentration issues, I am thinking we are going to rows. I have to get a set routine down for every subject and follow it every day!

Good Things Ain't Free

I am so full right now. I had to sign a 2,045 dollar check for graduate school--last one praise the Lord, and I have not been paid for this school year yet. Therefore, I am worth approximately 100$ right now. Anyway, because I am so poor, I literally cannot buy more groceries until Thursday when I finally get paid again! So, when our professor provided free dinner tonight, it seemed like a good idea to eat as much as possible. I've been skipping breakfast and I bought these disgusting Ramen Noodle American food packs for lunch. Today's was supposed to be chicken alfredo. I don't know how to describe what it tasted like, but certainly not chicken alfredo!

Anyway, I will be counting down the hours to my next pay check.

In other news, I passed Career Ladder and placed at the level I wanted. This will mean bringing home more money annually (a little), which is sounding pretty good right about now, but it will also mean an even bigger more needlessly complicated more ridiculous career ladder project. I guess all good things come at a cost.

Hint: Skip the first minute of this video BUT do listen. This song is awesome, but maybe I just think that because it is relevant to me!!!

Teachers Worse than Kidnappers!!!

My school district is in an interesting and ongoing pickle with the local media. I will tell you that I don't live in a sparsely populated area (the metropolitan area has a population of over 4 million). I tell you the population because my school district seems to be making the local news quite frequently for being such a small fish in a big pond. My school district is also the top performing public school district in the area. In spite of our stellar academic record, we've been recieving negative press due to the very public firing of three criminal administrators last year. All I could do was blush when people associate my school district with all that because it is a terrible record to hire that many CRIMINAL administrators.

This weekend, however, my school specifically was in the news due to a near kidnapping incident that occured with a student on his way to school. The ironic thing is that the way this story was reported (on video and written up); it should have been titled the following: Nine Year Old Almost Kidnapped on the Way to School, but the Real Villain Is the Child's Teacher. The story alleges that this boy told his fourth grade teacher that a man tried to grab him on his way to school, and the teacher failed to report it to the police. I don't know the details of the story, and if I did I couldn't give them here. What I do know is that the school was not called for their side of the story before this story was reported. The reporters failed to give any information about the alleged kidnapper. I also know that the online newspaper is full of nasty nasty (and some inappropriate comments) about the teacher and teachers in general. I understand that it is hugely irresponsible to fail to report something like this (if that is indeed what happened, but I suspect that it is not). I don't understand why the mass hysteria and outrage is all directed at the teacher! Did she try to kidnap a little boy??

This time the media has gone too far. This teacher is being subjected to public humiliation without any chance to answer the accusations or explaining what is going on. The incident has been sensationalized just to sell paper, and the reporting is irresponsible.