It is funny that you can walk out of your house one day feeling totally normal, and that by the time you get back nothing is the same. I guess that normal people don't feel this for the first time at 26, but I have never felt this way. Not that I can manage to put a name to this feeling. Yes, for all my craftiness with words, I still can't seem to say what it is. So, what is it? What is it that makes you smile whenever your with him? What is it that makes you suddenly domestic enough to cook a meal? What is it that makes you too distracted from teaching to write your teaching blog, which has up to this point, been the biggest commitment of my life? What is it that makes you suddenly attached to your phone? What is it that makes you cry at the new Twilight movie that you publicly think is stupid, but secretly identify with? What is it that makes you count the minutes to the weekend? What is it that makes you develop a sudden interest in "Say Yes to the Dress"? What is it that makes you look up relationship books on Amazon.com. I'm sure I don't know, but whatever it is, I have it and it is bad.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Distracted
It's that week, that super long week, when I have to tac 25, 20 minute parent/teacher conferences on to an already full week of teaching. Today was day one of the parent/teacher conference marathon. I still have to put in a good 14 hours again tomorrow, but by 4:00pm I already had a terrible headache. I think it was the exhaustion starting to kick in, but it felt like my eyes were pushing themselves out of their sockets.
My meetings were actually going fine, but they were also non-stop meetings in a row from 5pm-7:30pm. By the time I left, I was actually almost in tears from the pain in my eyes. I was also a little disconcerted by the fact that I have another meeting at 7am, followed by a full day of teaching, followed by more meetings until 6:30pm.
Anyway, at 7:45pm, I finally get home, and there waiting on the front porch is this:
.
Suddenly, it was a good day after all. So, readers, you see, I'm distracted. I can't really seem to write about education. I can't really seem to focus on education. That's just the truth.
My meetings were actually going fine, but they were also non-stop meetings in a row from 5pm-7:30pm. By the time I left, I was actually almost in tears from the pain in my eyes. I was also a little disconcerted by the fact that I have another meeting at 7am, followed by a full day of teaching, followed by more meetings until 6:30pm.
Anyway, at 7:45pm, I finally get home, and there waiting on the front porch is this:
.Suddenly, it was a good day after all. So, readers, you see, I'm distracted. I can't really seem to write about education. I can't really seem to focus on education. That's just the truth.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Taking a Deep Breath
Things are going really well. Well enough to scare me.
The funny thing is that he told me on Saturday night that he is afraid of getting hurt. He said he doesn't want to like me like this because he is scared. I told him that I like him, but I don't trust him. "I wish those things went at the same speed," I said.
"I know," he replied, "but they don't."
And so, they don't.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Disney Movies and Other Nonsense
So, last night "Aladdin" was on. It was a childhood movie for me, so I've seen it like fifty gazzilion times. I was watching the scene where Aladdin takes Jasmine on a magic carpet ride, and, this is embarassing: I found myself getting a little teary eyed. I know, I should listen to advice not to get sappy and ridiculous. I am trying.
Anyway, the date was even better than expected. Don't worry I didn't do anything crazy--I have standards. This weekend he is taking me on a surprise date and he won't tell me where. I guess I am not used to someone being so romantic.
Besides, I have a plan. I am going to stay away from all things sappy and play it cool.
Anyway, the date was even better than expected. Don't worry I didn't do anything crazy--I have standards. This weekend he is taking me on a surprise date and he won't tell me where. I guess I am not used to someone being so romantic.
Besides, I have a plan. I am going to stay away from all things sappy and play it cool.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Psycho Therapy
I still really like the "Psycho Killer".
"I don't date very often, and I am probably doing it weirdly," I told CPA Guy (Psycho Killer). It's true because I am used to being single. Honestly, I have a very full life single. I have always known I would have to meet someone who would make me want to change. I have this sneaking suspicion that I have met such a person.
I have been keeping it a very big secret, though, because I just can't be sure. It is just so new--in so many ways.
It scares me because I don't date a lot. I have always thought that one day I would fall in love and get married and all of that. Yet, meeting someone who makes me wonder, "Is he that guy?" freaks me out. I feel like I am at the beginning of a path that has potential to sweep through my life and make it never the same again.
It's like being on the edge of a diving board, and if I really jump off, water will rush over me and there will be no going back. It's like if everything did go sour, then it would be hard to go back to being happy in the state I am in. At this point I could still go back, but I feel that time passing me by.
So, let's sum this up. I feel that I might not be completely ready for the kind of change a relationship would bring. I feel afraid that things will end up badly and it will be hard. I know that these are not actually good reasons to end things.
Anyway, I have this big date tomorrow night. I am really excited. I know I need to focus on being in the moment and enjoying things. Freaking out about potential change or potential disaster is not helpful in the least. Okay, thanks blog therapist. What would I do without you?
"I don't date very often, and I am probably doing it weirdly," I told CPA Guy (Psycho Killer). It's true because I am used to being single. Honestly, I have a very full life single. I have always known I would have to meet someone who would make me want to change. I have this sneaking suspicion that I have met such a person.
I have been keeping it a very big secret, though, because I just can't be sure. It is just so new--in so many ways.
It scares me because I don't date a lot. I have always thought that one day I would fall in love and get married and all of that. Yet, meeting someone who makes me wonder, "Is he that guy?" freaks me out. I feel like I am at the beginning of a path that has potential to sweep through my life and make it never the same again.
It's like being on the edge of a diving board, and if I really jump off, water will rush over me and there will be no going back. It's like if everything did go sour, then it would be hard to go back to being happy in the state I am in. At this point I could still go back, but I feel that time passing me by.
So, let's sum this up. I feel that I might not be completely ready for the kind of change a relationship would bring. I feel afraid that things will end up badly and it will be hard. I know that these are not actually good reasons to end things.
Anyway, I have this big date tomorrow night. I am really excited. I know I need to focus on being in the moment and enjoying things. Freaking out about potential change or potential disaster is not helpful in the least. Okay, thanks blog therapist. What would I do without you?
Sunday, September 18, 2011
The Help
"Will you come in and help me? I really don't know what to say."
The words felt unnatural coming out of my mouth because I don't really ask for help at work or in life. However, I really wanted to be absolved of all responsibility to discuss the death of this parent with a room full of eight and nine year olds.
In retrospect, I can see how it is best coming from me, but I am afraid to say the wrong thing or say it the wrong way. I feel like I can't handle this issue and I wish someone would do it for me.
They need to see from me that everything is going to be okay, and that they are still in a safe world; they also need to see that I have compassion for the situation and the loss matters to me. They don't need to see that I shake a little bit when I think about going to that funeral on Saturday (the first one I've ever been to for a suicide). They don't need to see that I kind of wish this child was in someone else's classroom because I feel suddenly young and inexperienced to handle this.
All of this makes me think about what I believe about teaching and life and God. I'm only in my fifth year of teaching and this is the second time I have dealt with a really tragic situation impacting my classroom. Two years ago, I had a student who discovered suddenly that she had a life-threatening brain tumor the year she was in my class. We didn't know what would happen and we didn't know if she would be okay. I am happy to report that she is doing well today. The tumor is completely removed and she is in school full time again. She's in fifth grade now and she said to me the other day, "You know, when I was in third grade, it was a really bad year, but I am glad you were there and helped me get through it."
Now, I find myself trying to help this child who had a parent commit suicide and wants nothing more than to be in school as much as possible because that is where she is happiest. I realize that twice I've had kids in my class who are experiencing the worst year of their young lives (who are experiencing a worse year than I've ever experienced in my young life), and I can't believe they are there by coincidence. I think God puts them with me so they'll be closer to him. He loves them and I pray and try to do what He wants. I think he is trying to reach them through me. I find myself saying the same words to him that I was saying to the VP, words I don't say a lot. "Will You come in and help me? I really don't know what to say?"
The words felt unnatural coming out of my mouth because I don't really ask for help at work or in life. However, I really wanted to be absolved of all responsibility to discuss the death of this parent with a room full of eight and nine year olds.
In retrospect, I can see how it is best coming from me, but I am afraid to say the wrong thing or say it the wrong way. I feel like I can't handle this issue and I wish someone would do it for me.
They need to see from me that everything is going to be okay, and that they are still in a safe world; they also need to see that I have compassion for the situation and the loss matters to me. They don't need to see that I shake a little bit when I think about going to that funeral on Saturday (the first one I've ever been to for a suicide). They don't need to see that I kind of wish this child was in someone else's classroom because I feel suddenly young and inexperienced to handle this.
All of this makes me think about what I believe about teaching and life and God. I'm only in my fifth year of teaching and this is the second time I have dealt with a really tragic situation impacting my classroom. Two years ago, I had a student who discovered suddenly that she had a life-threatening brain tumor the year she was in my class. We didn't know what would happen and we didn't know if she would be okay. I am happy to report that she is doing well today. The tumor is completely removed and she is in school full time again. She's in fifth grade now and she said to me the other day, "You know, when I was in third grade, it was a really bad year, but I am glad you were there and helped me get through it."
Now, I find myself trying to help this child who had a parent commit suicide and wants nothing more than to be in school as much as possible because that is where she is happiest. I realize that twice I've had kids in my class who are experiencing the worst year of their young lives (who are experiencing a worse year than I've ever experienced in my young life), and I can't believe they are there by coincidence. I think God puts them with me so they'll be closer to him. He loves them and I pray and try to do what He wants. I think he is trying to reach them through me. I find myself saying the same words to him that I was saying to the VP, words I don't say a lot. "Will You come in and help me? I really don't know what to say?"
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Words Escape Me
Working with children can be fun because they always have a playful happy spirit. Sweet faces who love their teachers and school and families are definitely one of the biggest rewards of working in elementary school.
Yet, this life isn't always kind to children. Children can lose those whom they love most. Children can get sick. Children can die.
I am getting better about having a life outside of work, but it is these situations that keep me up at night and give me unsettling dreams.
A little girl in my class had a parent commit suicide this weekend. She came to school like nothing happened. We weren't notified. Later, I found out that she wanted to be at school.
I'm struck by such a little one so alone in the world. She comes to school asking me for a new homework sheet because she lost hers. She promises me that she'll have it done on time. I say, "Sometimes things happen and we can't get everything done and it's okay." I know that no one will sit with her. I know that she has the weight of the world on her shoulders. I see her walk her younger siblings to school every morning.
Sometimes I forget to pray for my students. Of course, they're more than a job; but I sometimes leave thoughts of them at school. When life is like this, I remember to pray for them, but I can't find the words.
Yet, this life isn't always kind to children. Children can lose those whom they love most. Children can get sick. Children can die.
I am getting better about having a life outside of work, but it is these situations that keep me up at night and give me unsettling dreams.
A little girl in my class had a parent commit suicide this weekend. She came to school like nothing happened. We weren't notified. Later, I found out that she wanted to be at school.
I'm struck by such a little one so alone in the world. She comes to school asking me for a new homework sheet because she lost hers. She promises me that she'll have it done on time. I say, "Sometimes things happen and we can't get everything done and it's okay." I know that no one will sit with her. I know that she has the weight of the world on her shoulders. I see her walk her younger siblings to school every morning.
Sometimes I forget to pray for my students. Of course, they're more than a job; but I sometimes leave thoughts of them at school. When life is like this, I remember to pray for them, but I can't find the words.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
When I got home from my date, I closed the door to my house and leaned against it. On the other side of my door, things looked a little bit different. I crossed over to the other side of dating. I crossed over to the side where I am a little bit more vulnerable and I could get hurt. As you might know if you read this, I am kind of used to being unsure of what I want. I am kind of used to saying goodbye. I am not used to realizing that I do like someone--it's been a pretty good while. It feels good and bad.
This was my second date with Mr. CPA. Last weekend, on our first date, he took me out for teppenyaki. We had a good time, but I still felt very much like myself as we said good by. He tried to kiss me good night and I gave him my cheek. I thought I wanted to see him again, but I was still pretty neutral.
We kept talking during the week. Then he called me confusing, and I was a little rattled, but, you know, I shook it off. Today we went to this restaurant with wood burning stoves that cooks pizza, and then he actually agreed to accompany on a dry run of this children's museum I needed to do for a field trip I am planning. When he said good bye I gave him a hug. "Thanks," he said, "You know I want go in for you this time. I've learned my lesson about going slow with you."
So, I closed the door and leaned up against it. I found myself touching my lips like I just had an unexpected kiss. What I really had was an unexpected not-kiss. That's when it hit me: I like this guy, and there is nothing left for me to do about it except see where things go.
This was my second date with Mr. CPA. Last weekend, on our first date, he took me out for teppenyaki. We had a good time, but I still felt very much like myself as we said good by. He tried to kiss me good night and I gave him my cheek. I thought I wanted to see him again, but I was still pretty neutral.
We kept talking during the week. Then he called me confusing, and I was a little rattled, but, you know, I shook it off. Today we went to this restaurant with wood burning stoves that cooks pizza, and then he actually agreed to accompany on a dry run of this children's museum I needed to do for a field trip I am planning. When he said good bye I gave him a hug. "Thanks," he said, "You know I want go in for you this time. I've learned my lesson about going slow with you."
So, I closed the door and leaned up against it. I found myself touching my lips like I just had an unexpected kiss. What I really had was an unexpected not-kiss. That's when it hit me: I like this guy, and there is nothing left for me to do about it except see where things go.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Dance Card
I don't really know why I know this expression because I too young to know about dance cards, but I believe it would be appropriate to say my dance card is full. On Friday, I met the CPA guy that I really liked; I still do. We have another date this weekend--I think. Last night, we kind of got into a little disagreement. Apparently he thinks that I am confusing. That might not be the first time I've heard that. Anyway, he tried to say this as an aside, and I made him tell me exactly what he meant. He says I am hard to read. We both knew that we didn't want to have an argument about it now, when we just met; so we just kind of dropped it. I'm not really sure where that leaves things, though.
As for the doctor, I have a new nick name: Doogie Howser. Seriously, he gave this nickname to himself. He graduated highschool at fifteen and has six secondary degrees. He's already been a practicing software engineer and now he is a career switcher at the age of thirty and a licensed PA. He's also a landlord. He likes outdoor extreme activities. He's just got a crazy life. I feel like if I was nicknaming him 20 years from now he would be Richard Branson or Bill Gates or something. I'm actually a little intimidated by him and I don't get that very often. I am just plain curious about him, though.
Then there's this guy that I met when I went out with my friends on Sunday night. His dad is actually responsible for penning some very famous legislation around here and works in the state government. He wasn't intimidated by the book (Superfreakonomics) that I had in my bag at the bar, and he tracked with me. Apparently when he asked for my number I said "alright" in some kind of insulting way, according to my friends. Maybe I was being confusing??? Well, he still called, so it couldn't have been that bad.
Well, I am leaving in about 20 minutes, so I have to go. I have a classroom update coming later. I'll try to get to it tonight, but maybe I won't until tomorrow or so.
So, why the song? I guess I left my inner thoughts about an event covered in this post. The song, however, covers it.... Can you guess what I meant by it?? Hint: don't take it too literally, go with the chorus.
As for the doctor, I have a new nick name: Doogie Howser. Seriously, he gave this nickname to himself. He graduated highschool at fifteen and has six secondary degrees. He's already been a practicing software engineer and now he is a career switcher at the age of thirty and a licensed PA. He's also a landlord. He likes outdoor extreme activities. He's just got a crazy life. I feel like if I was nicknaming him 20 years from now he would be Richard Branson or Bill Gates or something. I'm actually a little intimidated by him and I don't get that very often. I am just plain curious about him, though.
Then there's this guy that I met when I went out with my friends on Sunday night. His dad is actually responsible for penning some very famous legislation around here and works in the state government. He wasn't intimidated by the book (Superfreakonomics) that I had in my bag at the bar, and he tracked with me. Apparently when he asked for my number I said "alright" in some kind of insulting way, according to my friends. Maybe I was being confusing??? Well, he still called, so it couldn't have been that bad.
Well, I am leaving in about 20 minutes, so I have to go. I have a classroom update coming later. I'll try to get to it tonight, but maybe I won't until tomorrow or so.
So, why the song? I guess I left my inner thoughts about an event covered in this post. The song, however, covers it.... Can you guess what I meant by it?? Hint: don't take it too literally, go with the chorus.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
The Training Wheels Come Off
When I was younger, we did this writing activity where you had to draw this road map of your life. You were supposed to put benchmarks that are the important points in your life. I suppose if most of us tried to do that we would put weddings and graduations and moves and births. In a way, all of that is artificial.
Real change, it seems, sneaks up on you. At least, it's snuck up on me. There's this kind of teacher I always wanted to be, but never could be. This year I am pretty close to that. There are these times that I'll catch my own reflection on some surface while I am teaching. The reflection teacher is someone I would have wanted to copy in years past, but I'm always surprised to find that it is me.
There's this kind of person I've always wanted to be, but never could be. I always wanted to have my own little house that felt like a home. I wanted to go out on the town and have adventures. I wanted to say what's on my mind and seize the day instead of being so introverted. For some reason, I can do that now.
Last night, I went on this date with the C.P.A. guy--the one I really like. Normally, I just couldn't be open to that. Yet, it was one of the best dates I've ever had. Soon, I am going to meet the doctor. Last year, I was so confused by trying to date more than one guy. This year, I am just having fun.
Real change, it seems, sneaks up on you. At least, it's snuck up on me. There's this kind of teacher I always wanted to be, but never could be. This year I am pretty close to that. There are these times that I'll catch my own reflection on some surface while I am teaching. The reflection teacher is someone I would have wanted to copy in years past, but I'm always surprised to find that it is me.
There's this kind of person I've always wanted to be, but never could be. I always wanted to have my own little house that felt like a home. I wanted to go out on the town and have adventures. I wanted to say what's on my mind and seize the day instead of being so introverted. For some reason, I can do that now.
Last night, I went on this date with the C.P.A. guy--the one I really like. Normally, I just couldn't be open to that. Yet, it was one of the best dates I've ever had. Soon, I am going to meet the doctor. Last year, I was so confused by trying to date more than one guy. This year, I am just having fun.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
I Pray for the Day
Friends, teachers, parents lend me your ears. Four score and a bunch of years ago math problems were either right or wrong. Teachers didn't have to grade the "strategy a student chose" on a rubric. It wasn't possible for a student with a WRONG answer to out score a student with a RIGHT answer. You had to memorize your multiplication tables in third grade. I think it was an era when Math instruction was ruled by common sense.
Once upon a time, Reading instruction was just as convoluted as Math instruction is now. The brightest minds in education thought whole language was the only way to teach reading. Basal readers were believed to be from Satan. Things were all about themes and reading levels weren't that important. Then, a huge body of research, told us what was abundantly clear: it wasn't working. This research brought back a concrete, structured approach to teaching reading. I was lucky enough to be teaching AFTER this miraculous transition.
What I have never been lucky enough to experience is common sense in teaching Math. My whole career, I have been asked to use a very murky Math resource. I really want to try a structured, objective approach. I even have such an adopted curriculum in my cabinet, BUT it is not what I am supposed to be using. For years, I've gone along with it. Now, though, as I try to think about goals, I know I need to improve my Math instruction, but this required use of this adopted curriculum is holding me back.
I have always gone along with this, and this year will be no exception, BUT starting next year over 50% of my evaluation will be based on test scores. Why should I be personally responsible for my Math scores, if I can't teach according to what I believe? I pray that common sense comes back to Math soon, because I am afraid I will be punished for the sins of methods I would never choose.
Once upon a time, Reading instruction was just as convoluted as Math instruction is now. The brightest minds in education thought whole language was the only way to teach reading. Basal readers were believed to be from Satan. Things were all about themes and reading levels weren't that important. Then, a huge body of research, told us what was abundantly clear: it wasn't working. This research brought back a concrete, structured approach to teaching reading. I was lucky enough to be teaching AFTER this miraculous transition.
What I have never been lucky enough to experience is common sense in teaching Math. My whole career, I have been asked to use a very murky Math resource. I really want to try a structured, objective approach. I even have such an adopted curriculum in my cabinet, BUT it is not what I am supposed to be using. For years, I've gone along with it. Now, though, as I try to think about goals, I know I need to improve my Math instruction, but this required use of this adopted curriculum is holding me back.
I have always gone along with this, and this year will be no exception, BUT starting next year over 50% of my evaluation will be based on test scores. Why should I be personally responsible for my Math scores, if I can't teach according to what I believe? I pray that common sense comes back to Math soon, because I am afraid I will be punished for the sins of methods I would never choose.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
So, I Went on a Date with an Axe Murderer
Well, as they say, it's time to give the people what they want. Yes, my dear readers, I know your dirty little secret. You read my "education blog," but the stats don't lie, everyone wants to read my posts on love. I really don't mind. Obviously I write them, so I mean them to be read. It's just funny. I know what a mess I am when it comes to such things. Anyway, I don't know why I should be surprised that my dating mishaps and insecurities are more interesting than my thoughts on differentiation.
Anyway, I've been kind of putting off this post because I kind of hate the silly school girl me that I can be when I have a crush on someone. For my whole life, I have been trying to prevent myself from being like that, but it seems that I can't fight it right now.
Here's the worst part of it, I haven't even met this guy yet. Apparently, he possesses the ability to capture my affections via e-mail. Are you really that surprised? Of course, I am a sucker for writing.
Don't worry, I already asked him if he is a crazy psycho killer, married or in prison. E-harmony makes you ask each other questions, so I threw that whopper at him. He did confess to being put in prison by his wife precisely because he is a crazy psycho killer. He also said he would have time off for good behavior and would I please let him take me to dinner soon. So, I think in the next week, I am going to have teppanyaki with a psycho killer.
Well, we'll see if he lives up to all this hype. Of course, I'll let you know. You see how I can still play it cool. Don't tell anyone my dirty little secret: that I am really not playing it cool this time. Thanks, reader friends, I knew I could count on you!
Anyway, I've been kind of putting off this post because I kind of hate the silly school girl me that I can be when I have a crush on someone. For my whole life, I have been trying to prevent myself from being like that, but it seems that I can't fight it right now.
Here's the worst part of it, I haven't even met this guy yet. Apparently, he possesses the ability to capture my affections via e-mail. Are you really that surprised? Of course, I am a sucker for writing.
Don't worry, I already asked him if he is a crazy psycho killer, married or in prison. E-harmony makes you ask each other questions, so I threw that whopper at him. He did confess to being put in prison by his wife precisely because he is a crazy psycho killer. He also said he would have time off for good behavior and would I please let him take me to dinner soon. So, I think in the next week, I am going to have teppanyaki with a psycho killer.
Well, we'll see if he lives up to all this hype. Of course, I'll let you know. You see how I can still play it cool. Don't tell anyone my dirty little secret: that I am really not playing it cool this time. Thanks, reader friends, I knew I could count on you!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Self Fulfilling Prophecy? and A Tale of Two Classes
Things are still just rosy. I think I want to adopt all the kids in my class. I think I want to loop with them to twelfth grade--and beyond. Honestly, they are just making my job an absolute joy this year. I can't wait to see them in the morning and I am sad to see them go.
It's not that there aren't any tough kids to handle. I have a girl who speaks no English and has no reading or phonics knowledge. I have one who is a real pouter (at least, an attempted pouter, he does seem to give up when he realizes it's not getting him anywhere). Later, when I write about him, he'll be Eyore. It's just that overall, this group wants to please and is compliant. If I could pick one word to describe my class this year it would be amiable. They just gel with me perfectly.
So, here's the thing, how can you ever tell how much of them being awesome is because I think they're awesome? I find myself wanting to do more fun stuff than I ever did last year, and I am no longer staring at the clock. The hours seem to fly by. Looking back, if I could describe my class last year with one word it would be explosive. They made every minute of the day a challenge for me. Obviously, there are some fundamental differences in the make up of the students, however, the teacher's perception is a huge factor too. If I could be one of those people who put myself in the state of mind that there are no difficult classes and thought they were so much fun, would they have been more fun.
A part of me protests. I think, I tried to think positively. They just kept on throwing punches, having angry tantrums, bullying, etc etc and reminding me why it wasn't that fun to be always in charge of them. The other part of me says, "look at yourself, and understand, how to enjoy a group like that."
This year is going to be an experiment in how far a group of students can go when my time and energy is not monopolized by BIG in-your-face Behavior-with-a-capitol-"B" issues. For me, I think it will be a lot easier and a lot of fun. However, I have to realize, that baring me packing my bags and teaching in a totally different setting, I will have more groups like the one last year. My school just has a lot of challenging circumstances and we deal with kids who face crazy issues at home, and when they, for whatever reason, are unable to handle it, the issues come to school.
Last year, when I had a difficult class to teach, I did learn about how to teach better. When what you can apply to 90% of the population in general is true for only 60% of your class, you learn to do better for the 40%. When you go back to a 90-10 split, you know better how to help the 10%. This year, I find I am easily reaching my low kids and my behaviors because I had to use these strategies for so much of my class last year. This year, with a good class, I am soaking it up, but I am trying to learn a different lesson. I am trying to make a benchmark out of how I feel.
Here's what I mean:
--When I have this group that is fun for me, I feel happy to see them every day.
--When I have this group, I want to do fun things.
--When I have this group, I laugh a lot and see the humor throughout the day.
--When I have this group, I keep telling them how pleased I am.
So, if this is my benchmark, what can I do when they send me another chair thrower or another adhdhdhdhdhd or another group of girl bullies, or, more likely, all of these at once? The answer is I have to reflect back the same thing I naturally reflect back to this group I have now. Hopefully, if I do that, and do it well, then it can more positively impact a difficult group.
It's not that there aren't any tough kids to handle. I have a girl who speaks no English and has no reading or phonics knowledge. I have one who is a real pouter (at least, an attempted pouter, he does seem to give up when he realizes it's not getting him anywhere). Later, when I write about him, he'll be Eyore. It's just that overall, this group wants to please and is compliant. If I could pick one word to describe my class this year it would be amiable. They just gel with me perfectly.
So, here's the thing, how can you ever tell how much of them being awesome is because I think they're awesome? I find myself wanting to do more fun stuff than I ever did last year, and I am no longer staring at the clock. The hours seem to fly by. Looking back, if I could describe my class last year with one word it would be explosive. They made every minute of the day a challenge for me. Obviously, there are some fundamental differences in the make up of the students, however, the teacher's perception is a huge factor too. If I could be one of those people who put myself in the state of mind that there are no difficult classes and thought they were so much fun, would they have been more fun.
A part of me protests. I think, I tried to think positively. They just kept on throwing punches, having angry tantrums, bullying, etc etc and reminding me why it wasn't that fun to be always in charge of them. The other part of me says, "look at yourself, and understand, how to enjoy a group like that."
This year is going to be an experiment in how far a group of students can go when my time and energy is not monopolized by BIG in-your-face Behavior-with-a-capitol-"B" issues. For me, I think it will be a lot easier and a lot of fun. However, I have to realize, that baring me packing my bags and teaching in a totally different setting, I will have more groups like the one last year. My school just has a lot of challenging circumstances and we deal with kids who face crazy issues at home, and when they, for whatever reason, are unable to handle it, the issues come to school.
Last year, when I had a difficult class to teach, I did learn about how to teach better. When what you can apply to 90% of the population in general is true for only 60% of your class, you learn to do better for the 40%. When you go back to a 90-10 split, you know better how to help the 10%. This year, I find I am easily reaching my low kids and my behaviors because I had to use these strategies for so much of my class last year. This year, with a good class, I am soaking it up, but I am trying to learn a different lesson. I am trying to make a benchmark out of how I feel.
Here's what I mean:
--When I have this group that is fun for me, I feel happy to see them every day.
--When I have this group, I want to do fun things.
--When I have this group, I laugh a lot and see the humor throughout the day.
--When I have this group, I keep telling them how pleased I am.
So, if this is my benchmark, what can I do when they send me another chair thrower or another adhdhdhdhdhd or another group of girl bullies, or, more likely, all of these at once? The answer is I have to reflect back the same thing I naturally reflect back to this group I have now. Hopefully, if I do that, and do it well, then it can more positively impact a difficult group.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Why
It's a billion and one degrees around here. We have something called an extreme excessive heat warning today. The high was 114 degrees farenheit (aka BEYOND miserable). It is so hot that my seat belt buckle burned me through my dress on my hip during my afternoon commute. It is so hot recess had to be shortened to 10 minutes in the shade with no running (loads of fun). It is so hot.
Why, in God's name, does a city THIS hot begin school THIS early (we are now in our third week)? By the end of parent pick-up today, I was in a puddle on the ground.
Why, in God's name, does a city THIS hot begin school THIS early (we are now in our third week)? By the end of parent pick-up today, I was in a puddle on the ground.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Desert Storm
The best thing about living in the desert is the summer storms that come at night. There might be places that have far more dramatic rains, but we must contend for the most dramatic lightening. I live in a city, in a valley, in a desert. Driving downhill from the edge of town you would see a festival of lights beneath a dark sky. You'll see dancing headlights coming up and red glowing tail lights floating down. Stop lights, the lights from houses and shops, yet it is still inexplicably dark. The desert has a way of being vast and open even in the midst of so much civilization. Like the way the night sky looks dark in spite of the stars.
The one exception to this darkness is the lightning. White flashes light up the whole sky. Suddenly the purple jagged mountains, the cacti, the buildings become so clear. It is beautiful.
The one exception to this darkness is the lightning. White flashes light up the whole sky. Suddenly the purple jagged mountains, the cacti, the buildings become so clear. It is beautiful.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
A Note to My Friends Out There Who Just Met a Tough Class... For Example the Fourth Grade Teachers Now Teaching My Former Students
Yesterday afternoon, I had a moment that was both good and bad. You know, like a laugh/cry--when you don't know how you feel and it comes out somewhere in the middle?
I looked at my new class perfectly performing the procedures I just taught them yesterday. They were doing work and using quiet voices and being independent. It was awesome. That is, it was awesome until the cognitive dissonance kicked in.
Suddenly I thought, "What the Hell did I do wrong last year that those kids never got in a year what these kids got in a day?"
This morning, before I left for school, I decided to search out precisely what I was thinking at this time last year. The first post I cam accross from August of last year was this one. It was about non-reader, from my class last year, and how I discovered that he couldn't read during the first week of school.
This morning as I looked at that post I had an epiphany. If I had been his fourth grade teacher this year, I wouldn't have discovered a child that couldn't read. He is still behind, but he started the year illiterate and he ended it able to read.
My class last year never became the class I dream of. They constantly forgot and/or purposely ignored procedures and rules. Every lesson required extensive planning just to make it marginally effective. They often made me want to pull out my hair or drink a lot. They still learned a lot.
Anyway, it looks like I might win the class lottery this year, but to those of you teaching the taz, the hulk, the mean girls, Angelica, and the lost boys; please remember that the measure of success is not just keeping the kids orderly and focused. Look for progress deep and wide. Sometimes when your kids are "born to be wild" and the class next door is walking down the hall in a perfect line it is easy to be hard on yourself. At the same time, magnificent changes may be happening right under your nose and you're just too close to see them. So, if you've just realized that you're in for a long year, take a deep breath and remember: those kids need a teacher the way the sick need a doctor.
I looked at my new class perfectly performing the procedures I just taught them yesterday. They were doing work and using quiet voices and being independent. It was awesome. That is, it was awesome until the cognitive dissonance kicked in.
Suddenly I thought, "What the Hell did I do wrong last year that those kids never got in a year what these kids got in a day?"
This morning, before I left for school, I decided to search out precisely what I was thinking at this time last year. The first post I cam accross from August of last year was this one. It was about non-reader, from my class last year, and how I discovered that he couldn't read during the first week of school.
This morning as I looked at that post I had an epiphany. If I had been his fourth grade teacher this year, I wouldn't have discovered a child that couldn't read. He is still behind, but he started the year illiterate and he ended it able to read.
My class last year never became the class I dream of. They constantly forgot and/or purposely ignored procedures and rules. Every lesson required extensive planning just to make it marginally effective. They often made me want to pull out my hair or drink a lot. They still learned a lot.
Anyway, it looks like I might win the class lottery this year, but to those of you teaching the taz, the hulk, the mean girls, Angelica, and the lost boys; please remember that the measure of success is not just keeping the kids orderly and focused. Look for progress deep and wide. Sometimes when your kids are "born to be wild" and the class next door is walking down the hall in a perfect line it is easy to be hard on yourself. At the same time, magnificent changes may be happening right under your nose and you're just too close to see them. So, if you've just realized that you're in for a long year, take a deep breath and remember: those kids need a teacher the way the sick need a doctor.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
12 Month Forecast
Can I just start vy saying the actual weather is miserable? For the first two days of school, I have done my make-up, fixed my hair, and put on professional looking clothing. I have also been outside for about half an hour before school both mornings, outside for 20 minutes during the day, and outside for about half an hour after school. This makes about an hour and a half outside. Today's high was 107 degrees with about 19% humidity. Why do I bother trying to look presentable?
To make matters worse I developed a rash in a line across my right calf on the night of meet the teacher. It finally seems to be clearing up, but the heat was making it itch and it looked ridiculous. Yet, it was way too hot to wear anything that covers up my calves. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong with my leg all day.
Although the actual weather is SWELTERING, I decided to check the forecast for the next year of my life.
In my classroom this year, a low pressure system seems to be coming our way. Unbelievably, the kids seem well behaved. At first, I thought this was just wishful thinking or the honeymoon phase with my new class, but then I ran into the hulk out on the playground. He was fighting and up to his usual angry ways--on the second day of school. That reminded that my students this year are not so famous on the playground as my students from last year. Then, a crazy thing happened, I finished all my phonics screeners without having to stop and deal with other students in one sitting. These kids don't get in trouble when I am not attending directly to them. Last year, I had to get help to finish my phonics screeners because I could hardly get through one students test without having to go deal with behaviors.
In the lovely casa where I reside, the fog has lifted! Amanda finally told us exactly what she was upset about. Oddly it was about the ring. She's decided to stay. Lindsay has decided to stay. All is well, and we are planning Amanda's wedding.
As for my dating life, it seems that blue skies are ahead. I can't be sure, weather is fickle, but I foresee sun and a pleasant breeze and lovely weather. I have to say, that this time around, I seem to be meeting some guys that I really like. Particularly one that I haven't met yet, but I think I will soon. He's an accountant. He actually works less than a mile from where I work. He's exactly my age. He seems funny and polite. He's religious, but grounded. There are a couple of others I will talk about later. Everything seems to move much slower on e-harmony and that is much better for me.
All in all I am cautiously optimistic about this year!
To make matters worse I developed a rash in a line across my right calf on the night of meet the teacher. It finally seems to be clearing up, but the heat was making it itch and it looked ridiculous. Yet, it was way too hot to wear anything that covers up my calves. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong with my leg all day.
Although the actual weather is SWELTERING, I decided to check the forecast for the next year of my life.
In my classroom this year, a low pressure system seems to be coming our way. Unbelievably, the kids seem well behaved. At first, I thought this was just wishful thinking or the honeymoon phase with my new class, but then I ran into the hulk out on the playground. He was fighting and up to his usual angry ways--on the second day of school. That reminded that my students this year are not so famous on the playground as my students from last year. Then, a crazy thing happened, I finished all my phonics screeners without having to stop and deal with other students in one sitting. These kids don't get in trouble when I am not attending directly to them. Last year, I had to get help to finish my phonics screeners because I could hardly get through one students test without having to go deal with behaviors.
In the lovely casa where I reside, the fog has lifted! Amanda finally told us exactly what she was upset about. Oddly it was about the ring. She's decided to stay. Lindsay has decided to stay. All is well, and we are planning Amanda's wedding.
As for my dating life, it seems that blue skies are ahead. I can't be sure, weather is fickle, but I foresee sun and a pleasant breeze and lovely weather. I have to say, that this time around, I seem to be meeting some guys that I really like. Particularly one that I haven't met yet, but I think I will soon. He's an accountant. He actually works less than a mile from where I work. He's exactly my age. He seems funny and polite. He's religious, but grounded. There are a couple of others I will talk about later. Everything seems to move much slower on e-harmony and that is much better for me.
All in all I am cautiously optimistic about this year!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
tomorrow
Sorry everyone that I haven't posted in so long. Tomorrow is the first day of school (I can't believe it), and I've been working a lot. At this point in my career, I realize that the first week of school is so important. I am trying hard to plan thoroughly enough that I can focus my energy and attention on the kids while they are there and not the billion tasks I, personally, have to accomplish this week.
My goals for the first week of school this year are as follows:
1.) To make each student feel that I like him or her. (I finally get it that kids really worry about if their teacher likes them. Teachers should not take on the role of friend, because they need to be the authority figure, but kids need to feel that you notice them and like them.)
2.) To teach procedures and routines (this is sort of a given).
3.) To build community. I hate dumb team building activities, but it is not worth it to skip them!
My goals for the first week of school this year are as follows:
1.) To make each student feel that I like him or her. (I finally get it that kids really worry about if their teacher likes them. Teachers should not take on the role of friend, because they need to be the authority figure, but kids need to feel that you notice them and like them.)
2.) To teach procedures and routines (this is sort of a given).
3.) To build community. I hate dumb team building activities, but it is not worth it to skip them!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Drama Drama Drama
My two best friends are also my roommates. We've all been best friends since we were twelve, which astoundingly was fourteen years ago now. I don't have any sisters, but these two friends we'll call them Amanda and Lindsay have been sisters in my life. We've known each other through first loves, first marriages (for one of us), through middle school, through high school, through parents splitting up, through college, through starting careers.
Through all of this we've had very little drama. I remember once when I was sixteen and had my first serious boyfriend Amanda was mad at me for about a month because she felt like I was always ditching her. Her dad locked us in a room at church and said, "you two, work this out, because you are friends for life." He was right and we did work it out.
Life changes and people grow up and get married and move on. I have been really happy for Amands who has recently fallen in love (I should remind her how I'm handling this much better than she did my serious boyfriend I had at 16). I know she really wants all of this to happen. So much so, that I think I haven't noticed that something else is going on with her. I just have been assuming that she is really in love and happy, but tonight I got a wakeup call that something else is going on.
Our lease is up on October 1st, so we have almost exactly two months to sign a new lease or to move out. We've been holding off on a decision because Lindsay, who recently got divorced and moved into the office, was looking for a job in town that couldn't start until she graduated nursing school next month. Well, she found a job, so we were all planning to meet to talk about what we want to do with the October lease.
Tonight I asked Amanda as she was on her way out the door to work what time we were going to meet tomorrow. "I don't the time," she said, "but I have no new information."
"Amanda, in two months we either have to move out of here or we have to sign a new lease. I am fine with whatever we want to do, but I don't really want to have 31 days to plan financially, find a place, and time to move. Plus, Lindsay is planning to stay and she needs to know what her options are."
Then, she was obviously upset and said she's not officially engaged and she didn't know when she was starting graduate school. The thing is that she's not planning to get married until May no matter what, and she says she will not consider moving in with her fiance before they're married. She wants to move out on her own to see if she can make it with no roommates and no boy before she is married. All that is fine, but she was saying that she didn't know if she wanted to move out at all now because of school and not being engaged. She was getting so upset as she was telling me this.
"Amanda, I am not trying to tell you what to do. You should do what you want to do, but not as your roommate, but as your friend, I don't see your logic. I understand you are stressed that things are up in the air, but you can stay here until you get married or if you don't you can stay as long as you want. I just don't see why you're putting all this added pressure on yourself. Why don't you just stay here until you get married, and I'll find a new roommate or we'll figure out what to do with the last four months of our lease?"
Well, then she says nothing. Nothing. I have never had a conversation in my life with Amanda like this. Seriously, it was still 20 minutes until she left and neither of us said a word. I got the idea that I better drop this conversation, but not before I realized there was a lot more going on than I thought. I don't really understand why she just wouldn't tell me. Whatever it is I wouldn't judge her and I would help her.
The thing is that with family sometimes you don't want your family to know about whatever mess you're in because you know that they will know that you were raised better than whatever your choices that got you into the mess were. I think that something like that is going on with her. What, I'm not sure, but I am far more concerned with that than the eminent surprise move that may be happening for some or all of us in a couple of months.
Through all of this we've had very little drama. I remember once when I was sixteen and had my first serious boyfriend Amanda was mad at me for about a month because she felt like I was always ditching her. Her dad locked us in a room at church and said, "you two, work this out, because you are friends for life." He was right and we did work it out.
Life changes and people grow up and get married and move on. I have been really happy for Amands who has recently fallen in love (I should remind her how I'm handling this much better than she did my serious boyfriend I had at 16). I know she really wants all of this to happen. So much so, that I think I haven't noticed that something else is going on with her. I just have been assuming that she is really in love and happy, but tonight I got a wakeup call that something else is going on.
Our lease is up on October 1st, so we have almost exactly two months to sign a new lease or to move out. We've been holding off on a decision because Lindsay, who recently got divorced and moved into the office, was looking for a job in town that couldn't start until she graduated nursing school next month. Well, she found a job, so we were all planning to meet to talk about what we want to do with the October lease.
Tonight I asked Amanda as she was on her way out the door to work what time we were going to meet tomorrow. "I don't the time," she said, "but I have no new information."
"Amanda, in two months we either have to move out of here or we have to sign a new lease. I am fine with whatever we want to do, but I don't really want to have 31 days to plan financially, find a place, and time to move. Plus, Lindsay is planning to stay and she needs to know what her options are."
Then, she was obviously upset and said she's not officially engaged and she didn't know when she was starting graduate school. The thing is that she's not planning to get married until May no matter what, and she says she will not consider moving in with her fiance before they're married. She wants to move out on her own to see if she can make it with no roommates and no boy before she is married. All that is fine, but she was saying that she didn't know if she wanted to move out at all now because of school and not being engaged. She was getting so upset as she was telling me this.
"Amanda, I am not trying to tell you what to do. You should do what you want to do, but not as your roommate, but as your friend, I don't see your logic. I understand you are stressed that things are up in the air, but you can stay here until you get married or if you don't you can stay as long as you want. I just don't see why you're putting all this added pressure on yourself. Why don't you just stay here until you get married, and I'll find a new roommate or we'll figure out what to do with the last four months of our lease?"
Well, then she says nothing. Nothing. I have never had a conversation in my life with Amanda like this. Seriously, it was still 20 minutes until she left and neither of us said a word. I got the idea that I better drop this conversation, but not before I realized there was a lot more going on than I thought. I don't really understand why she just wouldn't tell me. Whatever it is I wouldn't judge her and I would help her.
The thing is that with family sometimes you don't want your family to know about whatever mess you're in because you know that they will know that you were raised better than whatever your choices that got you into the mess were. I think that something like that is going on with her. What, I'm not sure, but I am far more concerned with that than the eminent surprise move that may be happening for some or all of us in a couple of months.
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