Teacher, I Don't Get It

What Is It?

2011-11-28T19:49:00.000-08:00

It is funny that you can walk out of your house one day feeling totally normal, and that by the time you get back nothing is the same. I guess that normal people don't feel this for the first time at 26, but I have never felt this way. Not that I can manage to put a name to this feeling. Yes, for all my craftiness with words, I still can't seem to say what it is. So, what is it? What is it that makes you smile whenever your with him? What is it that makes you suddenly domestic enough to cook a meal? What is it that makes you too distracted from teaching to write your teaching blog, which has up to this point, been the biggest commitment of my life? What is it that makes you suddenly attached to your phone? What is it that makes you cry at the new Twilight movie that you publicly think is stupid, but secretly identify with? What is it that makes you count the minutes to the weekend? What is it that makes you develop a sudden interest in "Say Yes to the Dress"? What is it that makes you look up relationship books on Amazon.com. I'm sure I don't know, but whatever it is, I have it and it is bad.

Distracted

2011-11-02T21:09:00.000-07:00

It's that week, that super long week, when I have to tac 25, 20 minute parent/teacher conferences on to an already full week of teaching. Today was day one of the parent/teacher conference marathon. I still have to put in a good 14 hours again tomorrow, but by 4:00pm I already had a terrible headache. I think it was the exhaustion starting to kick in, but it felt like my eyes were pushing themselves out of their sockets.

My meetings were actually going fine, but they were also non-stop meetings in a row from 5pm-7:30pm. By the time I left, I was actually almost in tears from the pain in my eyes. I was also a little disconcerted by the fact that I have another meeting at 7am, followed by a full day of teaching, followed by more meetings until 6:30pm.

Anyway, at 7:45pm, I finally get home, and there waiting on the front porch is this:

.

Suddenly, it was a good day after all. So, readers, you see, I'm distracted. I can't really seem to write about education. I can't really seem to focus on education. That's just the truth.

Taking a Deep Breath

2011-10-10T13:44:00.000-07:00

Things are going really well. Well enough to scare me.

The funny thing is that he told me on Saturday night that he is afraid of getting hurt. He said he doesn't want to like me like this because he is scared. I told him that I like him, but I don't trust him. "I wish those things went at the same speed," I said.

"I know," he replied, "but they don't."

And so, they don't.

Disney Movies and Other Nonsense

2011-10-02T11:41:00.000-07:00

So, last night "Aladdin" was on. It was a childhood movie for me, so I've seen it like fifty gazzilion times. I was watching the scene where Aladdin takes Jasmine on a magic carpet ride, and, this is embarassing: I found myself getting a little teary eyed. I know, I should listen to advice not to get sappy and ridiculous. I am trying.

Anyway, the date was even better than expected. Don't worry I didn't do anything crazy--I have standards. This weekend he is taking me on a surprise date and he won't tell me where. I guess I am not used to someone being so romantic.

Besides, I have a plan. I am going to stay away from all things sappy and play it cool.

Psycho Therapy

2011-09-29T20:23:00.000-07:00

I still really like the "Psycho Killer".

"I don't date very often, and I am probably doing it weirdly," I told CPA Guy (Psycho Killer). It's true because I am used to being single. Honestly, I have a very full life single. I have always known I would have to meet someone who would make me want to change. I have this sneaking suspicion that I have met such a person.

I have been keeping it a very big secret, though, because I just can't be sure. It is just so new--in so many ways.

It scares me because I don't date a lot. I have always thought that one day I would fall in love and get married and all of that. Yet, meeting someone who makes me wonder, "Is he that guy?" freaks me out. I feel like I am at the beginning of a path that has potential to sweep through my life and make it never the same again.

It's like being on the edge of a diving board, and if I really jump off, water will rush over me and there will be no going back. It's like if everything did go sour, then it would be hard to go back to being happy in the state I am in. At this point I could still go back, but I feel that time passing me by.

So, let's sum this up. I feel that I might not be completely ready for the kind of change a relationship would bring. I feel afraid that things will end up badly and it will be hard. I know that these are not actually good reasons to end things.

Anyway, I have this big date tomorrow night. I am really excited. I know I need to focus on being in the moment and enjoying things. Freaking out about potential change or potential disaster is not helpful in the least. Okay, thanks blog therapist. What would I do without you?

The Help

2011-09-18T10:53:00.000-07:00

"Will you come in and help me? I really don't know what to say."

The words felt unnatural coming out of my mouth because I don't really ask for help at work or in life. However, I really wanted to be absolved of all responsibility to discuss the death of this parent with a room full of eight and nine year olds.

In retrospect, I can see how it is best coming from me, but I am afraid to say the wrong thing or say it the wrong way. I feel like I can't handle this issue and I wish someone would do it for me.

They need to see from me that everything is going to be okay, and that they are still in a safe world; they also need to see that I have compassion for the situation and the loss matters to me. They don't need to see that I shake a little bit when I think about going to that funeral on Saturday (the first one I've ever been to for a suicide). They don't need to see that I kind of wish this child was in someone else's classroom because I feel suddenly young and inexperienced to handle this.

All of this makes me think about what I believe about teaching and life and God. I'm only in my fifth year of teaching and this is the second time I have dealt with a really tragic situation impacting my classroom. Two years ago, I had a student who discovered suddenly that she had a life-threatening brain tumor the year she was in my class. We didn't know what would happen and we didn't know if she would be okay. I am happy to report that she is doing well today. The tumor is completely removed and she is in school full time again. She's in fifth grade now and she said to me the other day, "You know, when I was in third grade, it was a really bad year, but I am glad you were there and helped me get through it."

Now, I find myself trying to help this child who had a parent commit suicide and wants nothing more than to be in school as much as possible because that is where she is happiest. I realize that twice I've had kids in my class who are experiencing the worst year of their young lives (who are experiencing a worse year than I've ever experienced in my young life), and I can't believe they are there by coincidence. I think God puts them with me so they'll be closer to him. He loves them and I pray and try to do what He wants. I think he is trying to reach them through me. I find myself saying the same words to him that I was saying to the VP, words I don't say a lot. "Will You come in and help me? I really don't know what to say?"

Words Escape Me

2011-09-13T18:16:00.000-07:00

Working with children can be fun because they always have a playful happy spirit. Sweet faces who love their teachers and school and families are definitely one of the biggest rewards of working in elementary school.

Yet, this life isn't always kind to children. Children can lose those whom they love most. Children can get sick. Children can die.

I am getting better about having a life outside of work, but it is these situations that keep me up at night and give me unsettling dreams.

A little girl in my class had a parent commit suicide this weekend. She came to school like nothing happened. We weren't notified. Later, I found out that she wanted to be at school.

I'm struck by such a little one so alone in the world. She comes to school asking me for a new homework sheet because she lost hers. She promises me that she'll have it done on time. I say, "Sometimes things happen and we can't get everything done and it's okay." I know that no one will sit with her. I know that she has the weight of the world on her shoulders. I see her walk her younger siblings to school every morning.

Sometimes I forget to pray for my students. Of course, they're more than a job; but I sometimes leave thoughts of them at school. When life is like this, I remember to pray for them, but I can't find the words.

2011-09-10T19:09:00.000-07:00

When I got home from my date, I closed the door to my house and leaned against it. On the other side of my door, things looked a little bit different. I crossed over to the other side of dating. I crossed over to the side where I am a little bit more vulnerable and I could get hurt. As you might know if you read this, I am kind of used to being unsure of what I want. I am kind of used to saying goodbye. I am not used to realizing that I do like someone--it's been a pretty good while. It feels good and bad.

This was my second date with Mr. CPA. Last weekend, on our first date, he took me out for teppenyaki. We had a good time, but I still felt very much like myself as we said good by. He tried to kiss me good night and I gave him my cheek. I thought I wanted to see him again, but I was still pretty neutral.

We kept talking during the week. Then he called me confusing, and I was a little rattled, but, you know, I shook it off. Today we went to this restaurant with wood burning stoves that cooks pizza, and then he actually agreed to accompany on a dry run of this children's museum I needed to do for a field trip I am planning. When he said good bye I gave him a hug. "Thanks," he said, "You know I want go in for you this time. I've learned my lesson about going slow with you."

So, I closed the door and leaned up against it. I found myself touching my lips like I just had an unexpected kiss. What I really had was an unexpected not-kiss. That's when it hit me: I like this guy, and there is nothing left for me to do about it except see where things go.

Dance Card

2011-09-06T17:05:00.000-07:00

I don't really know why I know this expression because I too young to know about dance cards, but I believe it would be appropriate to say my dance card is full. On Friday, I met the CPA guy that I really liked; I still do. We have another date this weekend--I think. Last night, we kind of got into a little disagreement. Apparently he thinks that I am confusing. That might not be the first time I've heard that. Anyway, he tried to say this as an aside, and I made him tell me exactly what he meant. He says I am hard to read. We both knew that we didn't want to have an argument about it now, when we just met; so we just kind of dropped it. I'm not really sure where that leaves things, though.

As for the doctor, I have a new nick name: Doogie Howser. Seriously, he gave this nickname to himself. He graduated highschool at fifteen and has six secondary degrees. He's already been a practicing software engineer and now he is a career switcher at the age of thirty and a licensed PA. He's also a landlord. He likes outdoor extreme activities. He's just got a crazy life. I feel like if I was nicknaming him 20 years from now he would be Richard Branson or Bill Gates or something. I'm actually a little intimidated by him and I don't get that very often. I am just plain curious about him, though.

Then there's this guy that I met when I went out with my friends on Sunday night. His dad is actually responsible for penning some very famous legislation around here and works in the state government. He wasn't intimidated by the book (Superfreakonomics) that I had in my bag at the bar, and he tracked with me. Apparently when he asked for my number I said "alright" in some kind of insulting way, according to my friends. Maybe I was being confusing??? Well, he still called, so it couldn't have been that bad.

Well, I am leaving in about 20 minutes, so I have to go. I have a classroom update coming later. I'll try to get to it tonight, but maybe I won't until tomorrow or so.

So, why the song? I guess I left my inner thoughts about an event covered in this post. The song, however, covers it.... Can you guess what I meant by it?? Hint: don't take it too literally, go with the chorus.

The Training Wheels Come Off

2011-09-03T11:07:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, we did this writing activity where you had to draw this road map of your life. You were supposed to put benchmarks that are the important points in your life. I suppose if most of us tried to do that we would put weddings and graduations and moves and births. In a way, all of that is artificial.

Real change, it seems, sneaks up on you. At least, it's snuck up on me. There's this kind of teacher I always wanted to be, but never could be. This year I am pretty close to that. There are these times that I'll catch my own reflection on some surface while I am teaching. The reflection teacher is someone I would have wanted to copy in years past, but I'm always surprised to find that it is me.

There's this kind of person I've always wanted to be, but never could be. I always wanted to have my own little house that felt like a home. I wanted to go out on the town and have adventures. I wanted to say what's on my mind and seize the day instead of being so introverted. For some reason, I can do that now.

Last night, I went on this date with the C.P.A. guy--the one I really like. Normally, I just couldn't be open to that. Yet, it was one of the best dates I've ever had. Soon, I am going to meet the doctor. Last year, I was so confused by trying to date more than one guy. This year, I am just having fun.

I Pray for the Day

2011-08-25T18:27:00.000-07:00

Friends, teachers, parents lend me your ears. Four score and a bunch of years ago math problems were either right or wrong. Teachers didn't have to grade the "strategy a student chose" on a rubric. It wasn't possible for a student with a WRONG answer to out score a student with a RIGHT answer. You had to memorize your multiplication tables in third grade. I think it was an era when Math instruction was ruled by common sense.

Once upon a time, Reading instruction was just as convoluted as Math instruction is now. The brightest minds in education thought whole language was the only way to teach reading. Basal readers were believed to be from Satan. Things were all about themes and reading levels weren't that important. Then, a huge body of research, told us what was abundantly clear: it wasn't working. This research brought back a concrete, structured approach to teaching reading. I was lucky enough to be teaching AFTER this miraculous transition.

What I have never been lucky enough to experience is common sense in teaching Math. My whole career, I have been asked to use a very murky Math resource. I really want to try a structured, objective approach. I even have such an adopted curriculum in my cabinet, BUT it is not what I am supposed to be using. For years, I've gone along with it. Now, though, as I try to think about goals, I know I need to improve my Math instruction, but this required use of this adopted curriculum is holding me back.

I have always gone along with this, and this year will be no exception, BUT starting next year over 50% of my evaluation will be based on test scores. Why should I be personally responsible for my Math scores, if I can't teach according to what I believe? I pray that common sense comes back to Math soon, because I am afraid I will be punished for the sins of methods I would never choose.

So, I Went on a Date with an Axe Murderer

2011-08-24T18:59:00.000-07:00

Well, as they say, it's time to give the people what they want. Yes, my dear readers, I know your dirty little secret. You read my "education blog," but the stats don't lie, everyone wants to read my posts on love. I really don't mind. Obviously I write them, so I mean them to be read. It's just funny. I know what a mess I am when it comes to such things. Anyway, I don't know why I should be surprised that my dating mishaps and insecurities are more interesting than my thoughts on differentiation.

Anyway, I've been kind of putting off this post because I kind of hate the silly school girl me that I can be when I have a crush on someone. For my whole life, I have been trying to prevent myself from being like that, but it seems that I can't fight it right now.

Here's the worst part of it, I haven't even met this guy yet. Apparently, he possesses the ability to capture my affections via e-mail. Are you really that surprised? Of course, I am a sucker for writing.

Don't worry, I already asked him if he is a crazy psycho killer, married or in prison. E-harmony makes you ask each other questions, so I threw that whopper at him. He did confess to being put in prison by his wife precisely because he is a crazy psycho killer. He also said he would have time off for good behavior and would I please let him take me to dinner soon. So, I think in the next week, I am going to have teppanyaki with a psycho killer.

Well, we'll see if he lives up to all this hype. Of course, I'll let you know. You see how I can still play it cool. Don't tell anyone my dirty little secret: that I am really not playing it cool this time. Thanks, reader friends, I knew I could count on you!

Self Fulfilling Prophecy? and A Tale of Two Classes

2011-08-23T18:54:00.000-07:00

Things are still just rosy. I think I want to adopt all the kids in my class. I think I want to loop with them to twelfth grade--and beyond. Honestly, they are just making my job an absolute joy this year. I can't wait to see them in the morning and I am sad to see them go.

It's not that there aren't any tough kids to handle. I have a girl who speaks no English and has no reading or phonics knowledge. I have one who is a real pouter (at least, an attempted pouter, he does seem to give up when he realizes it's not getting him anywhere). Later, when I write about him, he'll be Eyore. It's just that overall, this group wants to please and is compliant. If I could pick one word to describe my class this year it would be amiable. They just gel with me perfectly.

So, here's the thing, how can you ever tell how much of them being awesome is because I think they're awesome? I find myself wanting to do more fun stuff than I ever did last year, and I am no longer staring at the clock. The hours seem to fly by. Looking back, if I could describe my class last year with one word it would be explosive. They made every minute of the day a challenge for me. Obviously, there are some fundamental differences in the make up of the students, however, the teacher's perception is a huge factor too. If I could be one of those people who put myself in the state of mind that there are no difficult classes and thought they were so much fun, would they have been more fun.

A part of me protests. I think, I tried to think positively. They just kept on throwing punches, having angry tantrums, bullying, etc etc and reminding me why it wasn't that fun to be always in charge of them. The other part of me says, "look at yourself, and understand, how to enjoy a group like that."

This year is going to be an experiment in how far a group of students can go when my time and energy is not monopolized by BIG in-your-face Behavior-with-a-capitol-"B" issues. For me, I think it will be a lot easier and a lot of fun. However, I have to realize, that baring me packing my bags and teaching in a totally different setting, I will have more groups like the one last year. My school just has a lot of challenging circumstances and we deal with kids who face crazy issues at home, and when they, for whatever reason, are unable to handle it, the issues come to school.

Last year, when I had a difficult class to teach, I did learn about how to teach better. When what you can apply to 90% of the population in general is true for only 60% of your class, you learn to do better for the 40%. When you go back to a 90-10 split, you know better how to help the 10%. This year, I find I am easily reaching my low kids and my behaviors because I had to use these strategies for so much of my class last year. This year, with a good class, I am soaking it up, but I am trying to learn a different lesson. I am trying to make a benchmark out of how I feel.

Here's what I mean:
--When I have this group that is fun for me, I feel happy to see them every day.
--When I have this group, I want to do fun things.
--When I have this group, I laugh a lot and see the humor throughout the day.
--When I have this group, I keep telling them how pleased I am.

So, if this is my benchmark, what can I do when they send me another chair thrower or another adhdhdhdhdhd or another group of girl bullies, or, more likely, all of these at once? The answer is I have to reflect back the same thing I naturally reflect back to this group I have now. Hopefully, if I do that, and do it well, then it can more positively impact a difficult group.

Why

2011-08-22T17:39:00.000-07:00

It's a billion and one degrees around here. We have something called an extreme excessive heat warning today. The high was 114 degrees farenheit (aka BEYOND miserable). It is so hot that my seat belt buckle burned me through my dress on my hip during my afternoon commute. It is so hot recess had to be shortened to 10 minutes in the shade with no running (loads of fun). It is so hot.

Why, in God's name, does a city THIS hot begin school THIS early (we are now in our third week)? By the end of parent pick-up today, I was in a puddle on the ground.

Desert Storm

2011-08-13T22:49:00.000-07:00

The best thing about living in the desert is the summer storms that come at night. There might be places that have far more dramatic rains, but we must contend for the most dramatic lightening. I live in a city, in a valley, in a desert. Driving downhill from the edge of town you would see a festival of lights beneath a dark sky. You'll see dancing headlights coming up and red glowing tail lights floating down. Stop lights, the lights from houses and shops, yet it is still inexplicably dark. The desert has a way of being vast and open even in the midst of so much civilization. Like the way the night sky looks dark in spite of the stars.

The one exception to this darkness is the lightning. White flashes light up the whole sky. Suddenly the purple jagged mountains, the cacti, the buildings become so clear. It is beautiful.

A Note to My Friends Out There Who Just Met a Tough Class... For Example the Fourth Grade Teachers Now Teaching My Former Students

2011-08-10T18:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon, I had a moment that was both good and bad. You know, like a laugh/cry--when you don't know how you feel and it comes out somewhere in the middle?

I looked at my new class perfectly performing the procedures I just taught them yesterday. They were doing work and using quiet voices and being independent. It was awesome. That is, it was awesome until the cognitive dissonance kicked in.

Suddenly I thought, "What the Hell did I do wrong last year that those kids never got in a year what these kids got in a day?"

This morning, before I left for school, I decided to search out precisely what I was thinking at this time last year. The first post I cam accross from August of last year was this one. It was about non-reader, from my class last year, and how I discovered that he couldn't read during the first week of school.

This morning as I looked at that post I had an epiphany. If I had been his fourth grade teacher this year, I wouldn't have discovered a child that couldn't read. He is still behind, but he started the year illiterate and he ended it able to read.

My class last year never became the class I dream of. They constantly forgot and/or purposely ignored procedures and rules. Every lesson required extensive planning just to make it marginally effective. They often made me want to pull out my hair or drink a lot. They still learned a lot.

Anyway, it looks like I might win the class lottery this year, but to those of you teaching the taz, the hulk, the mean girls, Angelica, and the lost boys; please remember that the measure of success is not just keeping the kids orderly and focused. Look for progress deep and wide. Sometimes when your kids are "born to be wild" and the class next door is walking down the hall in a perfect line it is easy to be hard on yourself. At the same time, magnificent changes may be happening right under your nose and you're just too close to see them. So, if you've just realized that you're in for a long year, take a deep breath and remember: those kids need a teacher the way the sick need a doctor.

12 Month Forecast

2011-08-09T19:07:00.000-07:00

Can I just start vy saying the actual weather is miserable? For the first two days of school, I have done my make-up, fixed my hair, and put on professional looking clothing. I have also been outside for about half an hour before school both mornings, outside for 20 minutes during the day, and outside for about half an hour after school. This makes about an hour and a half outside. Today's high was 107 degrees with about 19% humidity. Why do I bother trying to look presentable?

To make matters worse I developed a rash in a line across my right calf on the night of meet the teacher. It finally seems to be clearing up, but the heat was making it itch and it looked ridiculous. Yet, it was way too hot to wear anything that covers up my calves. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong with my leg all day.

Although the actual weather is SWELTERING, I decided to check the forecast for the next year of my life.

In my classroom this year, a low pressure system seems to be coming our way. Unbelievably, the kids seem well behaved. At first, I thought this was just wishful thinking or the honeymoon phase with my new class, but then I ran into the hulk out on the playground. He was fighting and up to his usual angry ways--on the second day of school. That reminded that my students this year are not so famous on the playground as my students from last year. Then, a crazy thing happened, I finished all my phonics screeners without having to stop and deal with other students in one sitting. These kids don't get in trouble when I am not attending directly to them. Last year, I had to get help to finish my phonics screeners because I could hardly get through one students test without having to go deal with behaviors.

In the lovely casa where I reside, the fog has lifted! Amanda finally told us exactly what she was upset about. Oddly it was about the ring. She's decided to stay. Lindsay has decided to stay. All is well, and we are planning Amanda's wedding.

As for my dating life, it seems that blue skies are ahead. I can't be sure, weather is fickle, but I foresee sun and a pleasant breeze and lovely weather. I have to say, that this time around, I seem to be meeting some guys that I really like. Particularly one that I haven't met yet, but I think I will soon. He's an accountant. He actually works less than a mile from where I work. He's exactly my age. He seems funny and polite. He's religious, but grounded. There are a couple of others I will talk about later. Everything seems to move much slower on e-harmony and that is much better for me.

All in all I am cautiously optimistic about this year!

2011-08-08T18:56:00.000-07:00

I. Am. So. Tired.

It was a very good first day of school, but seriously, I just want to sleep for a very long time. I sat down to write something interesting about the first day of school and to update on the many forms of drama in my personal life. Unfortunately, I have not the energy.

tomorrow

2011-08-07T07:44:00.000-07:00

Sorry everyone that I haven't posted in so long. Tomorrow is the first day of school (I can't believe it), and I've been working a lot. At this point in my career, I realize that the first week of school is so important. I am trying hard to plan thoroughly enough that I can focus my energy and attention on the kids while they are there and not the billion tasks I, personally, have to accomplish this week.

My goals for the first week of school this year are as follows:

1.) To make each student feel that I like him or her. (I finally get it that kids really worry about if their teacher likes them. Teachers should not take on the role of friend, because they need to be the authority figure, but kids need to feel that you notice them and like them.)

2.) To teach procedures and routines (this is sort of a given).

3.) To build community. I hate dumb team building activities, but it is not worth it to skip them!

Drama Drama Drama

2011-07-29T19:39:00.000-07:00

My two best friends are also my roommates. We've all been best friends since we were twelve, which astoundingly was fourteen years ago now. I don't have any sisters, but these two friends we'll call them Amanda and Lindsay have been sisters in my life. We've known each other through first loves, first marriages (for one of us), through middle school, through high school, through parents splitting up, through college, through starting careers.

Through all of this we've had very little drama. I remember once when I was sixteen and had my first serious boyfriend Amanda was mad at me for about a month because she felt like I was always ditching her. Her dad locked us in a room at church and said, "you two, work this out, because you are friends for life." He was right and we did work it out.

Life changes and people grow up and get married and move on. I have been really happy for Amands who has recently fallen in love (I should remind her how I'm handling this much better than she did my serious boyfriend I had at 16). I know she really wants all of this to happen. So much so, that I think I haven't noticed that something else is going on with her. I just have been assuming that she is really in love and happy, but tonight I got a wakeup call that something else is going on.

Our lease is up on October 1st, so we have almost exactly two months to sign a new lease or to move out. We've been holding off on a decision because Lindsay, who recently got divorced and moved into the office, was looking for a job in town that couldn't start until she graduated nursing school next month. Well, she found a job, so we were all planning to meet to talk about what we want to do with the October lease.

Tonight I asked Amanda as she was on her way out the door to work what time we were going to meet tomorrow. "I don't the time," she said, "but I have no new information."

"Amanda, in two months we either have to move out of here or we have to sign a new lease. I am fine with whatever we want to do, but I don't really want to have 31 days to plan financially, find a place, and time to move. Plus, Lindsay is planning to stay and she needs to know what her options are."

Then, she was obviously upset and said she's not officially engaged and she didn't know when she was starting graduate school. The thing is that she's not planning to get married until May no matter what, and she says she will not consider moving in with her fiance before they're married. She wants to move out on her own to see if she can make it with no roommates and no boy before she is married. All that is fine, but she was saying that she didn't know if she wanted to move out at all now because of school and not being engaged. She was getting so upset as she was telling me this.

"Amanda, I am not trying to tell you what to do. You should do what you want to do, but not as your roommate, but as your friend, I don't see your logic. I understand you are stressed that things are up in the air, but you can stay here until you get married or if you don't you can stay as long as you want. I just don't see why you're putting all this added pressure on yourself. Why don't you just stay here until you get married, and I'll find a new roommate or we'll figure out what to do with the last four months of our lease?"

Well, then she says nothing. Nothing. I have never had a conversation in my life with Amanda like this. Seriously, it was still 20 minutes until she left and neither of us said a word. I got the idea that I better drop this conversation, but not before I realized there was a lot more going on than I thought. I don't really understand why she just wouldn't tell me. Whatever it is I wouldn't judge her and I would help her.

The thing is that with family sometimes you don't want your family to know about whatever mess you're in because you know that they will know that you were raised better than whatever your choices that got you into the mess were. I think that something like that is going on with her. What, I'm not sure, but I am far more concerned with that than the eminent surprise move that may be happening for some or all of us in a couple of months.

May the Force Be with You

2011-07-28T22:19:00.000-07:00

Yeah, just ignore my nerdy Star Wars pun in the title, that's just how I'm going to roll tonight! The thing is that there is just some kind of switch (maybe labelled the Take-Me-Seriously-Switch) that has been flipped inside me. I just feel confident and in control of my life. I've been this way for a while now, but I am just noticing that it is a change.

The other day I was getting a little annoyed as I was dealing with the Health Savings Account people. They had just done a bunch of things that were generally incompetent and were trying to give me a hard time. Before long, I realized that the woman on the other end of the line was going to send me down another rabbit trail. A year ago, I probably would have viewed it as something beyond my control, but instead I started directing her about how to help me. Once I told her what I expected and how she could do it, she was actually very helpful and did exactly as I asked.

I was working with Mr. Bull the other day on our data committee stuff, and suddenly I saw how to make things more efficient. A year ago, I would have focused on the vast amount I don't know about our data system and what we need the data for, but I just naturally saw something to improve and said, "I think we should do X." It turned out to be quite a helpful idea.

Yesterday as I was talking to Prelawguy, I was able to clearly communicate my feelings. "I love being your friend," I told him, "I don't want to hurt you. I am glad we're able to be friends, but I would understand if you changed your mind." A year ago, I was just not emotionally mature enough to be that clear in an emotionally charged situation.

I am such a nerd that I work on building credit, not to use but just to keep it in good standing. It seemed like my bank wasn't increasing my credit limit even though the other company I have was and I was getting offers in the mail. A year ago I might have ignored that situation, but something made me pick up the phone about a week ago and tell the bank "Make me a better offer or I will be closing my account right now and going to your competitor." It worked. I got a new credit line with rewards, really low APR, and a significantly higher limit. They offered it to me on the phone, and I got it in the mail today.

Sometimes I think that I struggle to actually grow up and be a functional adult. Lately, though, I'm a force to be reckoned with. I just suddenly seem to be much better at handling every area of my life than I ever have been.

Here We Go Again

2011-07-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

So, I went on my first date from eharmony today. He was a nice guy, a computer programmer, and a Texan (born in the same small town I was--randomly). He was decidedly Christian, but open minded. That is exactly what I want. He really liked me, I could just tell, but also he is already trying to nail down another date. I don't know how I feel yet. It wasn't instant attraction, but it doesn't have to be. Something has to grow though. Also, I think he is a bit old for me (10 years my senior). Too much? Maybe. Anyone who reads this blog knows I am kind of a young twenty six.

Then, in early evening, guess who called to tell me that he still has feelings for me? Prelawguy. Then, I had to tell him that I still don't have feelings for him. This time I think I really broke his heart. I do have more feelings for him than I did a year ago, but is he waiting for me? I'm not sure that he should because I am not sure I will ever have enough feelings for him.

I have secret room dreams almost constantly right now. I have a secret world above my house that lives in my subconscious. I am constantly exploring it even though it is haunted and the ghosts will kill you. The internet says that this dream means I am discovering new things about myself, and that is kind of true.

I have been notoriously unopen to dating. Remember when I couldn't handle match.com? Trust me, too, I've never been able to handle it. Suddenly, though, I think that I can handle it.

Yet, there's this other thing. My heart is strangely attatched to someone out-of-reach. It's just one of those things that I didn't know I wanted until I did. Yet, I don't really do anything about it. I mean, I respect that Prelawguy has declared his heart to me several times even though I've rejected him multiple times. It is kind of gutsy and I have to admit that I wouldn't be that gutsy.

I feel like on the one hand, I am ready to meet someone and actually know what I am looking for. Then again, maybe I am psychologically sabotaging myself. Maybe I just want what is out of reach precisely because it is out-of-reach. I mean, why didn't I ever feel that way when it was within reach?

Here are these three scenarios playing out in my heart and my head and my life all in one day and it leaves me feeling sad. First, I meet a new guy who is interesting and obviously and interested in me (we seem compatible) and he is right here. Then, Prelaw guy stands there with his heart in his hands. My friendship with him has grown and it hurts me to hurt him, but I know the difference in friendship and love and my feelings for him are friendship. Then, cruelly, my heart seems to be playing tricks on me.

Are none of these guys right, and that is why it is so hard? Or is the problem me? Maybe I don't really want what I think I want.

There are bound to be many ghosts in the secret rooms tonight. Maybe I am taking a big step forward, though, in realizing that I don't get me. I always thought the problem was men, but maybe it is me.

10 Good Reasons Why I Should Cheat (and 1 Very Good Reason that I Won't)

2011-07-21T17:11:00.000-07:00

10.) I should cheat because it would be beneficial to my career.
Test scores matter. There's not a lot of ways to climb the ladder as a teacher, but to whatever you look toward in the education world right now, there is no question that test scores are the ticket.
9.) I should cheat so my school district doesn't face penalties.
My school district is a high performing district without cheating (to my knowledge), but the dirty little secret most people don't know about NCLB is that without 100% proficiency every public school district in the country will face penalties in the next few years. Actually, my school district is already facing some (despite the fact that almost every school is rated excelling, the highest possible rating). Somehow we're technically a failing district with only highly performing or excelling schools--yeah, I don't get it either. The trouble we faced is that our test scores were initially high. We had to improve an already stellar record at prescribed incriments pressing on toward the 100% goal. I believe we started with a proficiency rate over 80%. Meaning, we should almost be at 100% by this point. If we had started at 40% our goal might be a more reasonable 70% at this point. In any case, we're facing penalties and barring a miracle (or wide scale cheating) we will face more.
8.) I should cheat so the kids see an A+ over their school every morning.
It's all about the kids, right? Next year, in this state all schools will be given a letter grade instead of a label. That letter grade will be posted in giant letters over the school. I get it that this is aimed to punish staff and not students, but what message do you suppose we are sending to the students walking into the "F" schools every day? My school is not really going to get an "F", but I do see why cheating to avoid that might be smart.
7.) I should cheat to keep my job.
Okay, technically not yet, but in two years 50-80% of my evaluation will be based entirely on test scores. Sometimes third graders don't understand the gravity of the test for them, much less me. So yeah, with lay offs every year, a good evaluation seems like a strong incentive to cheat.
6.) I should cheat to even the playing field.
Our state Math test is all reading. For a third grader with a reading disablity this makes them appear much worse at Math then they are. For a third grader, with limited English ability this makes them appear less than they are. Maybe I should just even it out and help them out.
5.)I should cheat so I don't have to teach to the test.
Let's be honest, in third grade we have to do a lot of test prep. Just the idea of a bubble sheet is foreign to them. My first year teaching third grade, I saw a little boy drawing a picture on his bubble sheet in an area that said, "do not write here." "What are you doing," I said exasperated, "It says, 'Do Not Write Here'!"
"I know," he responded, "but I'm not writing, I'm drawing!"
My point is that these kids don't know how to test so thoroughly and I have to spend a lot of time teaching them how. In some sick way, I might actually be able to teach more if I was going to cheat my way through testing.
4.) I should cheat to get a little more money.
Let's face it, being a teacher does not make you rich. Cheating at being a teacher would not make you rich either, but part of our pay is technically linked to test scores, so especially if they started falling, I would have a small financial incentive to cheat.
3.) I should cheat to be seen as a good teacher.
It seems like a pretty strong definition of "good" teacher is having good test scores. Cheating would lead to good test scores.
2.) I should cheat to take the pressure off.
I am not seriously going to cheat, but this would be the strongest incentive. I, like most teachers I know, was a very strong student. I got top marks on all tests. It's a lot harder to get top marks when you're not the one testing. I've never had testing anxiety and I have it now when I give my students tests. Test anxiety is the number one reason I've seen students cheat, and I believe it is probably why teachers do as well.
1.) I should cheat because I can.
This is kind of a non-reason, but I think it would be easy to cheat. There are not a lot of preventative measures in place around here. We have to turn in tests on time, but as far as I know, scores aren't being monitored or audited for suspicious trends. It would theory be easy to catch cheaters, but there is not much being done to attempt it.

I wouldn't cheat because it is wrong. However fed up I get with education, I will, personally, not cheat because I think allowing me to be a teacher is a sacred trust and I won't break that.

In looking at what is going on in Atlanta, and has gone on in Chicago and other places, I realize that I probably know or have known teachers who cheat. If they do cheat, and it is proven, then they broke the trust described above and should be fired--just like students who cheat should be punished. However, measures should be put in place to outweigh some of the incentives above. I don't think this cheating problem can be solved reactively. We need to be proactive. It also makes me wonder how honest our honest discussions on accountability measures really are. If some of the examples they hold up for us have cheating involved, are the things suggested really working?

A New Cast of Characters

2011-07-19T12:45:00.000-07:00

You know, if any of these dates actually do work out, and I decide to tell them about my secret blog perhaps my nicknames could become a problem, but I need some way to describe them all anonymously. Anyways, eharmony, so far is very, very different from match.com. I feel like, for me, it is better because I need a little more guidance in my dating life. Last time, I felt like I had dating ADD and I couldn't even figure out who I had real potential with because there were so many of them. I think I am more likely to have success this time. Maybe, too, it is because I have finally figured out what I want.

For a long time, I was so unsure of the path I wanted my own life to take; and that made it really difficult to know who I would want on that path with me. I went to such a restrictive, religious college. I kind of wanted to get away from all the rules and judgments. Yet, my faith has been and always will be real. I wasn't sure how to reconcile what I don't believe with what I do. Finally, I feel comfortable and confident. I know that I want to take life's path with someone who believes, is impacted by that belief, but isn't judgmental or sanctimonious. I want a relationship that is not based on traditional gender roles. I want to laugh a lot and not take life too seriously.

This time, I am looking for people who fit where I want to go. The first guy "communicating" with me (I am still trying to figure out when you actually go on a date with this site) is a pastor. For now, I am just going to call him PastorGuy. He is good looking and seems to have a good sense of humor. Obviously he has a lot of faith, but I don't if I want to date a pastor. Finally, I feel like I live in the normal world and pastors are always at church in a way. So, I am not sure about him. He's 28--I think, so close to my age.

The next guy is a doctor in emergency medicine. He likes to go adventuring. He's fairly religious. He is 30 years old and good looking (he does look a lot younger than 30, but I look a lot younger than 26). He seems cool and I think it is cool that he is so successful. Anyway, for now his nickname is M.D.

There's more, but actually I am mixing them up in my mind right now. It's hard when you haven't met them yet. Anyway, I will update soon.

Things Might Get More Interesting on This Blog Again

2011-07-17T23:23:00.000-07:00

As you know, if you've read my blog for a while, this blog is primarily about my work and all the craziness that goes along with it; but occasionally it also becomes about my dating life. Last year, I tried Match.Com, but I couldn't handle it. I was totally freaked out at the magnitude of it, and quit after a month or something. Since then, I haven't really been dating.

Last night, I was at my cousin's house; and his wife is the sister of one of my friends from high school; so my high school friend was there. Now, he actually brought a girlfriend, which surprised me because my friend, we'll call him backwardshatguy, never has girlfriends. The thing was that we all really liked his girl friend. He met her on eharmony. So, my cousins wife was telling me all of this, and it seems like maybe I would like eharmony much better than Match.Com. I mean, it actually checks for compatibility.

So, I signed up for a few months anyway. So far, I actually like it because the guys on there seem like much more of who I am looking for. We'll see how it pans out, but of course I'll write all about it (the good, the bad, and the ugly)--you know how I am.

Expertology, Reformenzies, and Other Words I am Going to Make Up as I Go

2011-07-14T20:44:00.000-07:00

Prologuette (because it's short and girly--just like me):
As the calendar creeps onward, and another school year approaches, I find that THE TASK AHEAD is still monumental. THE TASK is different than it was when I first started this job FIVE YEARS AGO (certainly I can't believe it's been that long now), but it is still challenging and at times overwhelming. This is post is going to explore what's made me better than I was five years ago and the things that still hold me back in a lighthearted tone (yes, you should read that as it will be a silly rant that packs a punch with an air of truth).

This blog has been about my journey as a young teacher (some would argue that I am now on the brink of not being young)(to those who would argue that I say, "please don't talk about that. I know and I am not taking that exceptionally well at the moment.") and my journey as a new teacher (statistically speaking about the general level of experience in the field I'm no longer new). This blog is just one case study and my experience is one perspective, but I know what I think now about some things that I was not-so-long-ago too inexperienced or maybe young to offer any valuable insight into.

The Narrative of My Glossary of Made Up Terms (yeah, I think that's an oxymoron):
To start with, I am going to offer some definitions for words I recently made up. Expertology is the study of how expertise is developed in a given field (let's say education in this case) (did you see that coming?). Reformenzies is my name for all the clouds of educational reform movements in American education brought to you by politicians at every level and your occasional philanthropist with the strange phenomenon of time on his hands.

Next, I want to just get out in the open what I sometimes dance around. I dance around this opinion particularly in the company of non-edheads (that's a word I just made up for people who do not live in education world) because, frankly, it's polite practice to pretend like dealing with your kids is always my pleasure. So, I refrain from mentioning my true opinions on the amount of blame teachers get for problems in education. Those two things aren't directly related, but the line is somewhat implied. Tonight, though, I will go no holds barred. Edhead or not, I will tell you what I really think, and it's not even Happy Hour!

My Comments on the Prevailing Views on Education (at least, based on my experience which is admittedly a lot of watching fox news and hanging out with friends/family in a uniquely conservative state):

A lot of people are really worried about hunting down the "bad teachers" and ousting them--quite possibly with pitchforks and everything. It's what I call the Sheep Go to Heaven; Goats Go to Hell philosophy of education. If we can just find all the goats and send them straight to Hell, then of course we would enter into the Golden Age of Education. Unfortunately, many Teacher prep programs are nothing but Goat factories, and if that wasn't enough, there are all these unions that care about goat's rights far more than education or children. Let me be clear, I think this argument is all about finding a scape goat. There are problems with public education (we all know that), but they reflect greater problems in our culture. Of course, there are some goats working in public education; but I predict that even if Judgement Day came tomorrow and we successfully rooted out any goats and replaced them with sheep (an excellent metaphor for good teachers in the eyes of reformenziers) we would not make a significant dent in the problems faced in American Public Schools. I loved Freakonomics (one of the books on my summer books) which courageously noted the strongest correlation (not necessarily causation) in school success was home environment.

Beyond my feelings on the home's strong impact on learning, I don't think that goat teachers are as permanently fixed as we say. I am just going to come out of the bad teacher closet and admit that I was probably a bad teacher my first couple of years. Not because I was Cameron Diaz and looking for a man to get me out of the classroom or something. It was because the amount of data coming into your head as a new teacher in this day and age is unfathomable unless you've been there. Standing in front of a classroom looks simple enough, but to own that class and successfully teach it I can't even begin to describe how that works. I'll talk about that more when I talk about expertology, but suffice it to say, that it takes time and experience to learn how to teach well.

The problem with the reformenzies that either try to save education by rooting out goats or by offering so much professional development to all teachers is that you can't teach expertise. When I was a new teacher, I got so many tips of classroom management but it was only marginally helpful. Now, even as a teacher, who makes a living of of explaining and training, I don't think I can explain how to manage a classroom. I can do it, and if you put an inexperienced person in front of the same group then you will think it is a different group, but I can't explain it. That is the nature of expertise. Recently I've been reading Moonwalking with Einstein which thoroughly discusses the expertise of chicken sexers who cannot explain how they know, but just know. The expertise of teachers is currently harmed in two ways: 1, teachers aren't retained long enough to develop this in many cases;
2, it's hard to find enough consistency in teaching to develop well rounded expertise. In my four years, I've taught two grade levels, the Math curriculum has been changed three times, the reading curriculum has changed twice, and I have no idea how many different programs I've been asked to use to teach the same things.

My Reformenzy Manifesto or What I Would Do If I Had Majored in Philanthropy Instead of Education which Would, in Defiance of Logic, Still Be More Profitable:

My Reformenzy would focus on teacher retention and the nourishment of expertise. Attrition for teachers is at its worst in the first three years. I would have teacher apprenticeship as opposed to student teaching and it would be a paid three year position. Those teachers would be on a low pay grade with no increase for three years. Master teachers would be paid more and would be the ones accountable. (Too expensive, you say. Hey! I'm a philanthropist now and can pay for what I want).

To nourish expertise, I think you've got to make the job manageable enough that you can focus on the important stuff. Now coming into my fifth year, it is all the junk that eats my time that I dread. If I was going to lead a reformenzy, it would unburden teachers so they could use their expertise for the majority of the hours they work at the school. I would bring back teacher's aids.

The second thing I would do, is push for consistency. Our slogan would be, "Nothing new for at least two!" I would push to keep curriculums the same, to minimize grade and subject switching, and to keep programs consistently in place.

The third thing I would do is keep strenuous measurements and reports of success in place. Yes, of course, I would keep standardized tests in place, but I would let experts deal with them. I think administrators should use that data to help teachers who need help and even to weed out goats. BUT I think it can't be done with a blanket rule. Data is our friend, and as a teacher I love it, but data isn't our God. We might as well make computers principals and even superintendents if we're going to be told exactly how to use and interpret data. I'm sure that corruption could happen and not all administrators would be good, but let's see corruption is already happening (how many cheating scandals are currently going on?).

My Comments on My Comments (Is Anyone Really Still Reading This?):

Wow, this is what happens when I take a little break from writing/ranting about education. I get a little, teensy bit long-winded. My family and friends and likely colleagues should thank me for writing this, so they don't have to be subjected to the oral version.

Epiloguette:

Five years ago, I began my professional journey as an educator. I worked so hard, and people told me it gets easier. They were right, it does, and it did; but I should have paid better attention to the fact that they didn't say it would get easy.

As I sit here, I realize that I have all these thoughts, now, on what might be done, but I'm not sure I want to be the one to do it. I'll leave the details out of this, but I've been looking at a lot of alternative career paths recently. Maybe I'll jump ship and maybe not, but a part of me feels that I owe my time as a sheep after making it through my goat years, and that maybe I should one day be a shepherd and put my money where my mouth is.

For now, I have another year here to do my best with what I have, which is a lot more than I had five years ago.

My Day

2011-07-13T13:34:00.000-07:00

Okay, now if you're not a teacher you'll probably hate me for this, but in the summer I typically roll out of bed at about nine o'clock, head to the coffee shop across the street with whatever I am currently reading, drink coffee and read for a couple of hours-ish. Currently I am reading Moonwalking with Einstein (it is so good, but I am going to do a complete post on all my summer reading another time).

Today, I was carrying this book which is thick (only because it has not yet come out in paperback) and I decided, for some reason, to get hot coffee (even though the temps have already climbed to 115 or more). So, I got my cup of coffee, but there was no seats inside the shop and outside is hotter than hell, so I decided to bring everything home. Well, I opened my car door and tried to scramble in with all my stuff. Well, in the scramble, I dropped the coffee cup, spilling hot coffee all over my chest--which hurt (the burn is fortunately not any worse than a sunburn). Anyway, being who I am, I was more worried about getting coffee on the interior of my car than burning myself (which is ironic since my front bumper is shot right now anyway). Of course, I didn't get any napkins, so I'm like "what now." I don't particularly want to go back in the coffee shop with coffee all over me. I look around and I don't really see anyone directly around me (which is when I had a brilliant idea). I decided I would take off my shirt, use it to clean the coffee overflow up, and drive home to get a new one. Good idea, right...?

Wrong, but I proceeded with my plan anyway. Well, as soon as I started mopping up the coffee, I see some gross delivery guy is sitting at the outside tables staring directly into my car. Awesome. I guess my day was bad with the spilling coffee on myself and embarrassing myself, but his was good witnessing some random girl stripping in the parking lot.

A Song for Me

2011-07-12T09:49:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago I was watching the interview of Jaycee Dugard (apparently along with most of America). Her attitude is a lesson for us all. Every moment in life there is something to be grateful for.

Patience Is a Virtue... I Am Fast Giving Up...

2011-07-11T12:03:00.000-07:00

Maybe God is really testing my resolve to be a better Christian. Maybe the fates are playing tricks on me. Whatever the problem is, I am having a bit of trouble being patient and kind and all that.

Yesterday my little brother backed my mom's car into my car. The damage was pretty minimal--just my front bumper. I wasn't happy, but I took a deep breath and consoled myself with the fact that insurance would cover it.

Well, today I find out that my mom forgot to pay her insurance bill a couple of months back and her insurance wouldn't cover it. So, that leaves me with two choices: insist that my family pay money they don't have or take the hit to my insurance rates and pay my 250$ deductible.

Its not like they did anything malicious, but this insurance thing is a constant battle between the way my mom runs her life and the way I run mine. I am all about checklists and planning and thinking ahead. Every 6 months my insurance bill comes to her house and during the month period I ask her for it every time I see her because once she forgot to give it to me and I got a late fee. I am so careful about things, and it didn't work out at all!

I was always the only one in my immediate family who pays attention to bills and deadlines and preemptive measures. Most of the time we can all be at peace with our different lifestyles, but then every once in a while our philosophies of life smash into each other. This time literally.

Non-Negotiables Revisited

2011-07-03T21:46:00.000-07:00

First, I saw "Bad Teacher" today. So funny. Also, I did get up and go to church. So far I am following my resolution!

Moving on to my revolution about being a better Christian than I have been recently, I figured out something about love.

Interestingly enough love is the most popular topic on this blog. This ironic because I am really not good at love. I am actually completely mystified about those girls who always seem to find a relationship. That's just not been my experience, but I digress.

Remember when I was talking about (read as scoffing at) the non-negotiables. I changed my mind. I am feeling suddenly secure in who I am and who I want to be, and it makes me more clear on what I want. I am open to who I meet, but there are some things that are non-negotiables. I need a man who can take sarcastic humor and keep up with my wit, I need someone who loves God, I need someone who is a thinker, and someone who can tolerate my workaholic tendencies. That's not such a long list is it? It's just that now when I think about finding someone, I think about marraige which I haven't always and I want someone to walk through life with who has those things. I realized that maybe I do want to meet a nice boy at church! Hmmmm, I can't believe I am being so forthcoming about that.

It's just that for a long time I've been sitting in the middle of who my family thinks I should find and who my friends think I should find. I think my family is right.

vacation

2011-07-02T18:38:00.001-07:00

Maybe your twenties are supposed to be about figuring things out. I did figure out something about myself this week. I've been writing on here about something I've been calling my struggle with faith.

I found faith young. I defined my faith with theology in college. Since college, I've had to learn to live it. Life is a redemptive process, and for me the "live it" phase has been hardest.

The thing that I am figuring out is that I am having more of a hard step than a struggle. Being with my family this week was cool because everyone has loosened up without losing their faith.

Most of us =), were able to sit and have a drink together. It was normal and natural. We also just enjoyed sarcastic humor and company. Lately I've been worried that these things are vices, but somewhere deep down I know that they're not.

I got home today and I realized that for the first time in a long time I want to get up and go to church tomorrow and I want to pray. It also got me to thinking about some of my behavior recently.

I've kind of been floating around without much of an anchor. I don't feel bad about going out and drinking with my friends a lot, but I haven't been temperate at all. I think that drinking is okay, but a partying lifestyle isn't. I realized that I do need to be more temperate. I have been thinking that it doesn't really matter if I drink too much with some friends as long as I am responsible and don't drive. I still don't think that accidentally drinking too much is a sin--it's just that if you do it all the time it does leave you open to poor choices. Life isn't about partying and I do believe in sin. Honestly, earlier this summer I was drinking and I was about to do something that no matter how liberal you are you would realize it's a sin. The only reason that I didn't do it was circumstantial. I didn't even think about it being very wrong until now because I didn't actually go through with it.

As I was saying, in my twenties, I am thinking a lot about who I want to be because I could still be a lot of different ways. I hear God talking to me about who I should be and it is the most clarity I've had in a good while.

Random Thoughts and Apologies

2011-06-24T21:16:00.000-07:00

I leave tomorrow, for a week. Don't expect to hear from me for a week. Not that you would, I guess I have been quiet lately. I get like that.

I dreamed last night that I was sitting on a patio cafe. I saw on the road two eighteen wheel trucks fast approaching each other. They met and with great speed both metal monsters veered directly toward cafe. I realized that it was too late to run away, so I hid under the table and thought, "What good will this table do? Either metal will crush me or I will escape under it." I thought that maybe this was it, and then I thought, "Well, I will see what happens next." I wasn't afraid, but I wasn't sure either. Would God be waiting for me? Perhaps Hell or maybe nothing? I just didn't know.

When I was younger everything just seemed so black and white. Faith was an anchor and everything made sense. Then, I woke up one day and my world looked grey. Still, my heart longs to be good, to know God, and to live in light. It's just that what is good doesn't seem such a cut and dry question.

My faith is like an insurance policy and my prayers feel like I am talking to a therapist. It's like I don't expect an answer.

I believe in God, as I always have. It's just that lately I wonder if He is very different than I thought.

A whole week with my family will be interesting because they remain black and white and sure of God.

Different

2011-06-20T21:21:00.000-07:00

1.) Runway Fashion
2.) Critter Care
3.) Babysitting
4.) Mystery

What do the things on the list above have in common? I can't teach any of them; I am teaching classes on them tomorrow. My friend texted me because she threw her back out and asked if I could fill in for her summer school classes. I checked my schedule and I was doing nothing like almost every day this summer. i thought I would be teaching reading or math. Ha. I guess not.

I'm not going to lie. I am actually excited about teaching runway fashion. I am just so girlie and the class is all girls who love girlie things. My friend sent me some sort of lesson plan about sewing on a button, but I threw it out. How annoying of a sub am I? Anyway, I took my roommate's InStyle magazine and flagged pics of all the cute outfits. I am going to use the smartboard to show the structure and flow of almost all fashionable outfits (they usually contain both). Then I rounded up all the fabric, ribbon, and tulle in this house. There actually is a lot, I don't know why. I am going to put the girls in groups. Each group will choose fabric, ribbon, and tulle and use it to make no sew outfits that show flow and structure. Then, we're going to have a fashion show!

I had to use my old cds for music because my ipod is broken. That is when I realized that I am officially old now. It was my high school cd collection, and it was dated! Who knew that would happen so soon?!!! The song I chose is below. Oh well, I like my dated music!

The First Grader

2011-06-16T20:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know how much I talk about this on here, but I really love "National Geographic." I can't wait until my magazine comes in the mail, and I watch that channel, and I go on their website all the time (although I really wish it didn't have so many pop ups). Anyway, you can imagine my excitement when I found out "National Geographic" was the producer of The First Grader. I knew that no one would want to go to this movie with me because everyone starts groaning when I go on too long about my geography nerdiness. Plus, they didn't run this movie in every theater, so I had to drive about twenty minutes to get to a theater that was showing it. For that reason, I went to this movie by myself this afternoon. I really loved it. It was totally worth the drive.

The story is set in Kenya and it is about an eighty-four year old man who wanted to take advantage of the first time Kenya offered free public education. He attends primary school with all the children because he wanted to learn to read. It's actually based on a true story. I think if you are a teacher you will enjoy this movie. You know, I cried when a third grader came to my classroom who couldn't read. I can't imagine what it would mean to go your whole life without that.

The other thing that I got from the movie is that it must be pretty incredible to teach somewhere where people have gratitude for education. I love my country. A lot of people out there hate on the U.S., but as much as I love learning about other countries and customs this is the only place I want to live. However, as much as I love my country, I think that when it comes to education Americans (particularly my generation and the one just behind us) are exceedingly spoiled. There is this attitude that every American citizen is owed a proper education and that as long as we sit our butts in the chairs at the schools it should happen. The truth is that you have to want to learn and you have to try to learn. As a teacher here, I spend a lot of my time trying to get students to buy into that idea. In this movie, I don't honestly know if this is the way it actually happened, the Kenyan children were running to the school lining up to get the spots in the schools. I can't help but wonder how it would be to teach where the majority of students see education as such a valuable opportunity. Of course, I do get some students who are like that. When I can get a class that has quite a few it makes teaching an absolute pleasure because peer pressure can help me work with the few who don't seem to care. I find that generally, however, I get a lot of students who don't care about school and spend a lot of my time and energy trying to cajole them into caring.

That's one wish that I have for my country: that we would realize what a gift education for all is.

I Saw You Last Night

2011-06-09T14:13:00.000-07:00

Where I live it is really sunny. You have to squint and the sun kisses your skin reminding you that it is summer. Last night, I was transported to my Grandparents pool. I could feel the summer sun and the cool water. I was swimming with my two brothers and my two cousins. We were goofing around and it was a happy dream until...

Suddenly, I became aware that I was in the past and I knew what was going to happen to my cousin. He was still having such a good time in the sun, in the water; he had no idea. I wanted to warn him what was going to happen, but I knew I wasn't allowed. It's like the words and the thoughts were stuck inside of me and all I could do was exist in the happiness of that moment. At the same time, I was sad and I wanted to leave because I couldn't do anything to help and all I could think about was what was going to happen. Still the sun was shining and everyone was having a wonderful time.

I woke up and I was a little disconcerted, but I went on with my day. I decided to continue with my project reorganizing my desk and closet. I went to Walmart to get some things to help me. Once I arrived about a mile away, the sun shined down on me, and I remembered that, that very Walmart was where my last memory of my cousin was. It was the night of my mom's fiftieth birthday last year and he and my grandad and I had gone there to get more tupperware to store the leftovers from the party because there had been a lot and Walmart is the only place that sells tupperware still open that late at night. Suddenly with the sun and the memory I felt that same feeling from my dream, I felt guilty that I couldn't warn him.

Later when I got back from Walmart I found the program from his funeral on my desk. I knew it was time, so I moved it to a box with the other things I've saved from childhood.

I don't know if a time is going to come when I have access to those happy memories again without a dark shadow, but for right now I just feel like all those years and all those times that we all thought were just about growing up were everything for him. It just seems unfair, like someone should have told him that this was it.

School Dreams

2011-06-06T09:09:00.000-07:00

This year I am plagued into summer by school dreams. Their all about the last week of school with the class I've had this year. I wake up and I think that I am late for work and not prepared.

I've had back to school dreams a lot, but this is the first year I've had so many dreams about the outgoing class.

Shell Shock??

2011-06-01T19:05:00.000-07:00

It's summer break now and my living room looks like Barbie's workshop. Okay, that sounds dirty, but that is not how I meant it! I am making a bunch of tutus for a party we're having on Saturday.

For me, summer vacation feels like stepping out of a spaceship and back onto planet Earth after many months in a galaxy far far away. Everyone in the civilian world is just so used to living life and being human and stuff. I kind of remember what it was like to be a card carrying citizen of the human race, but then again I know in the back of my mind I am only here on a visiting visa from Planet Teacher. Soon, I will be back in a world of disaggregated data, AYPs, IEPs, differential instruction, value added measures, and the like; and this strange vacation called summer will be like a distant dream.

Seriously, it is like all of this stuff is on my back doorstep because I haven't had time to deal with it. Suddenly time is staring me in the face like a threat and I don't know what to do about it. I woke up this morning and I didn't feel like getting dressed or doing anything--so I didn't.

The thing is that when I could be obsessed with test scores and inclusion and work in general, I didn't have to grapple with some major personal questions I am grappling with. What exactly do I believe and what exactly do I not believe? Why did I quit dating and what should I be doing differently if I actually want to meet someone? What am I going to do next year if both of my roommates move by October?

Then there are the deaths. My cousin and my grandmother died this year. I am not sure I've properly dealt with any of that.

Bullies

2011-05-26T19:40:00.000-07:00

It was the last day of school for students today. There are some that I will miss, but it has been a long year in some ways. Let me just preface this with the fact that I got a lot of lovely notes, cards, and heart felt thank-yous on the last day of school, but I got my first ever "unthankyou." There is really no other way to describe what transpired.

I walked the kids out and waved the buses off--a school tradition. I walked through the office and a parent I have stationed in Afghanistan actually priority mailed a thank-you card.

Then, I returned to my class to work on packing things up. I noticed the message light blinking on my phone. The message was from a parent I have who is a little unbalanced (apparently she thought she was being anonymous, but she has a very distinct and abrasive tone). She said something along the lines of the following:

I just called to say that basically this school year sucked! You need to get better at being a teacher and building relationships with parents. I don't want to say I don't like you, but... You never called me to tell me about school events. So yeah, basically I just wanted to say this school year sucked. Click.

At first, I was taken aback because I couldn't imagine that someone would do that. Honestly, if this individual had an issue she should have come to me long ago. Then, I reflected. I have received soooo many reports of bullying from parents and students about her daughter. She was trying to bully me. She is calling (she believes) anonymously just to say hurtful things on the last day of school after school.

I try really hard to focus on the positive, but this really was a slap in the face after a long year of hard work.

One More Day with Kids

2011-05-25T18:47:00.000-07:00

I guess I haven't written that much because I'm, um, tired.

I have had absolute tunnel vision to finish my end-of-year checklist. Ever since the year when She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named dropped the bomb on me after the last day of school that I needed to pack my stuff and move grade levels, I just have anxiety about having any tasks left on the teacher work day. That year I hadn't finished Career Ladder and I had five or six things on my checklist. I almost failed Career Ladder that year. I know that nothing like that is going to happen on Friday, but I just want everything done by tomorrow afternoon. I'll help everyone else get their stuff done after that.

The End--of Another Year.

2011-05-21T21:04:00.000-07:00

It's night now. For the first time in a while I don't feel so exhausted that I might just fall asleep. The sun is setting on another school year. There are four days left. For once I feel really satisfied with the job I did. The Taz said to me the other day that he doesn't need to be in resource anymore because he got the hang of this reading thing. He really did go from reading only 13 words per minute with 60% accuracy to reading 70 words per minute with 92% accuracy, but that's not my point. Like the Taz, I kind of got the hang of this teaching thing. Finally, after four years, I can do a really good job, no matter what the fates of education throw at me. The peace has settled, too, with the moving of grade levels. I am staying in third grade and I think the move that was made was the best one possible in this situation.

Would You Believe It

2011-05-21T14:13:00.000-07:00

Third grade math improved my life today. I had to reenter my wireless network, but I couldn't find the key anywhere. My brother set the key and I knew it was some version of "bestboyever." I knew it had some capitals and some lower case letters. I knew it had a 3 for one of the "e"s but not the other. I set up a probability tree to find every possible combination, and I found the right answer.

I always think of probability trees as something we don't use very much...

Secrets

2011-05-15T21:27:00.001-07:00

Well, nine days left...

It's a comfort that things are coming to an end, but things are not exactly settled yet. There is just a lot of stuff going on. It seems like everyone has a secret and everyone knows about everyone else's secrets, but we're all pretending not to know. I'd rather that everything was out in the open, but it's not, so I've had to keep my mouth shut about what I may or may not know. Ha ha.

I can tell it here, though. The short of the story is that someone on my team of teachers has to move to another grade. The class size increases eliminated a position. No one really wants to move. Someone was assigned to move (not me), but she is uncomfortable working on the team with an opening. So, everyone else has been secretly volunteering so we don't lose this great teacher. There's more to it than just that, but that's all I really want to say. Here's the surprising news, though: I volunteered to move again! If I was Captain Principal, I would take me up on it, too. We'll see what happens, but yes there is a possibility I am moving again...

Something Funny

2011-05-14T17:55:00.000-07:00

The teacher next door to me had a student turn this in for homework.

A Tale of Two Principals

2011-05-07T16:44:00.001-07:00

If you have read this blog for a long time, then you would know that I struggled in my second year of teaching. Right at the center of my struggle was my relationship with the former principal, Principal Sadie. It was really hard for me, and I almost quit; but Principal Sadie left just after doing her worst to me.

Captain Principal then came to our school and it was much better for me. I can't say that I never would have patched things up with Principal Sadie if she had stayed, but I know that I never would have enjoyed working for her the way I enjoy working for Captain Principal.

Last night, I went out with Captain Principal and a couple of teachers. We ran into Principal Sadie. It was awkward.

Not to brag, but I will say that I am a better person than I thought. I always thought that if I was drinking and Principal Sadie was there then I would say something ugly or confront her. I was still nice, though.

May-Hem

2011-05-05T19:18:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I haven't written much because I haven't had much nice to say recently. My mama taught me well; if you don't have anything nice to say, it is better to say nothing at all. You know I'm the praying type, and I've been praying for momentum. I am so tired. I am tired of budget issues. I am tired of behavior issues. I am tired of piles of work. It is easy to lose sight of the goal. Then May comes and there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. That doesn't fully describe May though...

Basketball can have their March Madness, but in schools we all know we have May Madness. Career Ladder. Class Placement Meetings. End of Year Checklists. Final Field Trips. DIBELS. Printshop orders. Portfolios. Report Cards. Crazy Kids. Hyper Kids.

Today my class went on a fieldtrip to the grocery store. They actually gave a really neat tour and taught the kids all about nutrition. They said that my class was one of the best ones to come through, which is interesting because this group of kids is one of the worst ones to come through my room. I guess it is all about perspective.

Speaking of my waning patience for the crazy eight, I have to say that they did something really sweet for Teacher Appreciation week. One of them, I don't even know which one, brought a big thank you card and at their lunch recess brought it around and had every kid in the class sign and write notes. I have had classes try something like this before, but this was the first class to really surprise me. I can't believe they actually kept it a secret all day! Well, these kids do kind of excel at being sneaky=).

I can't say that I am NOT extremely aware of the fact that my tour of duty with this class ends in precisely 15 school days including tomorrow, BUT I will say that I am starting to realize there are some things I will miss about this group. Let's be honest, though, it will take quite a few cocktails and days at the pool before that kicks in this year.

Historical Day

2011-05-02T16:29:00.000-07:00

I was sixteen years old on 09/11/01. It was a scary day and scary times. The face of Bin Ladin appeared as the mastermind. Across the world, there were videos of children dancing in the street and celebrating "death to America". We learned one thing that day; there are people in this world who not only want us dead just for being American, but there are also people willing to take action to kill us.

I watched the second plane hit the World Trade Center on television. I walked down the hallway to my mom's room, "Wake up Mom; we're at war," I said echoing the words spoken by the news anchors. We were at war, and I think here, it was something you felt long before President Bush officially declared it.

It's hard to know what it means to be at war until you do, but today I see the poison it leaves in the hearts of all who are truly invested in war. What did I feel when I heard Bin Ladin was dead? Joy, like most Americans... I wanted him dead, not captured, and I think he got what he deserves. It is a good day for America because our enemy is dead.

Yet, as I was driving to work this morning, I realized that I had to decide how to help children see this. I knew that the kids would come to school talking about it, and that many celebrated it last night. It was a victory for us, but it is still something black in your heart that rejoices in death.

So, I handled it by saying, "We're glad to be safer. We're glad our soldiers we're successful, but we are still saddened that all of this happened." I think that is the truth about what I feel.

I Miss You

2011-04-30T06:40:00.000-07:00

19 more school days... Not that I am counting...

This weekend I am suffering from separation anxiety. I am separated from my phone!

I left it at school and someone was supposed to bring it by my house, but it never came. So, I have no alarm clock and I am pretty sure I am missing very important phone calls--from, I don't know, the president or something!

The Circus--I Mean Board Meeting

2011-04-27T16:55:00.000-07:00

There was a lot of people at the board meeting last night, which went until 11:30pm! It was a mess. Three of us who went were sitting in the lounge today during lunch, someone asked how the meeting was, in unison we all replied,"bad!"

How can I describe to you, dear reader, what this meeting was like. I can only describe with a teaching analogy, so enjoy =).

Once I was teaching some third graders basic algebra and balancing equations. We were drawing scales. We were practicing saying = signs as "the same as". It seemed to be going pretty well. The kids were doing it correctly and nodding along. Finally, I asked, "Does anyone have any questions?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "Miss Understood, you made a mistake."

"Okay, what is the mistake?" I asked.

"You have letters in the middle of your Math problems!" I looked around and the other heads were nodding in agreement.

I knew at once: they didn't get it. AT ALL... We had to start from the beginning.

So, what is it like at a board meeting? It is like the district superintendent and leadership council are me, and the board members are my students. The district leadership council explains the situation and recommendations and the board members seem to nod along. THEN the board members begin to ask questions and it becomes abundantly clear at once: they didn't get it. AT ALL...

What is it like to be a teacher in the audience at a board meeting? Well, I am a spectator, so it is like being a spectator at a tee-ball game for six year olds. Only you're a spectator whose bet thousands of dollars on the game. When the six year old first basemen suddenly sits down for all of the third inning, you find yourself wanting to yell, "what the Hell!" The outcome of the game is in no way dictated by logic or reason, but you know you will pay dearly if things don't go as expected. In a word, it is FRUSTRATING!

As of 11:30pm last night, the rif was approved, but apparently we can't have contracts because they want to change wording and possibly rif more teachers. So, no job security for now... Why would they want to let a team of accountants, lawyers, and educators make a sensible budget when we can have elected officials with no qualifications make their own plan??

Safe for Now

2011-04-25T19:24:00.000-07:00

Well, another rif has come and gone without sweeping me away.

We got a series of emails from the teacher's association and district office warning that there will be another rif, pending board approval tomorrow, and that those effected would be notified today. Which is right on my predicted time block, as today was the first day outside of the official state testing window. Anyway, everyone was a bit jumpy to say the least!

I almost jumped out of my skin when I saw the V.P. walking around the corner.

In the end, though, I hung on again.

Tomorrow is the big board meeting where we can hear about other special surprises in store for us. The talk is that they're reducing the sub budget and at a certain point we'll have to take in kids of absent teachers. They're also, of course, increasing class size. We don't have supply budgets anymore, so there's nothing to cut there. We've already lost all classroom assistants (excepting those required for certain IEPs). I heard also there will be program reductions for Art, Music, and PE.

Tomorrow will announce some but not all of the new budgetary surprises.

Swings

2011-04-24T20:53:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl I loved to swing. Going up your eyes would be drawn from earth to sky. Coming down the sky would meld into the ground. Then, all that mattered was that there was a sky and there was the ground. I knew that they were somehow one, but knowing that was enough.

It's Easter today. I like Easter, of course, because I believe in the salvation celebrated. In some ways, however, I think that I am not such an Easter girl. It's kind of like the pep rally of Christian holidays. I've never really fit into a pep rally.

On Easter, you're supposed to wear bright colors and sing peppy songs. I usually go to church ready to reflect and learn. I feel more comfortable on Good Friday or Christmas Eve.

Today, though, I was having some trouble getting into the "Easter Spirit" at all. Recently, I haven't been attending church. I keep on tithing by automatic withdrawal. I keep on trying to follow my moral compass. I even keep praying.

I don't want to throw away my beliefs, but I've felt recently that I do not belong in a church. I've felt unsure if I believe everything the church stands for. I am like the man who prayed, "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief."

Today, though, it was interesting. Our pastor preached the typical Easter sermon on Matthew 28, but he focused on the fact that the disciples all worshipped Jesus when they saw him, but some doubted. He pointed out that you can worship and not feel secure in all things related to your beliefs.

In some ways, I am still like a little girl on the swing. I see the terrestrial and the celestial, but where they meet just looks blurry right now.

So Much for Plan B

2011-04-23T20:26:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl, I didn't want to be a teacher. I had much bigger thoughts. I know some teachers recall playing school with younger siblings or toys. Not me, I wanted to be a princess. I ordered my toys and younger brothers around.

I always assumed that if teaching didn't work out, you know, if I got riffed or something, then I would go marry the prince of England.

The royal wedding is really ruining my fall back plan!

More on Gender Roles

2011-04-19T18:34:00.000-07:00

When I was very young, maybe even as young as four, I was sitting in church. The pastor must have been preaching on the crucifixion--I don't remember that part--but he said, "I was there; I carried that cross!"

Everyone was listening intently, but I was sitting there thinking, "Why do all of these adults believe this? This happened a long time ago, and this man couldn't have been born..."

Obviously, I wasn't developmentally ready for the abstract concept he was addressing. As Piaget would say it, I was concrete operations sitting in an abstract situation.

The thing is that it was confusing because my family told me, "Everything at church is true you should believe it." For a long time, I couldn't distinguish what I thought was true from what I was told was true. That's where I am at with gender roles.

My developing mind accepted what I was told about a wife submitting to her husband. My whole life that has been a concept I have begrudgingly lived with. My whole family believes that is part of marriage. Yes, my church believed that too. It wasn't a belief that was abusive to women. It wasn't a belief that I would call repressive because women have a choice. There are no submission police. It wasn't a belief that women are less than men. That's not my issue. It's just that I woke up one day and thought, "What if I don't believe that?" What if I think that marriage and family decisions are a completely equal partnership and not about authority on either side? What if I don't even want to try to submit? What if I think that if my hypothetical husband absolutely thinks I am wrong and I think he is wrong that we should use rock-paper-scissors and not his authority to see what we should do (yes, I am being facetious, but I do think consensus, not authority could work)?

In theological circles, we call this debate egalitarianism versus complementarianism. Once I wrote a paper defending complementarianism, but that was before I really lived out in the real world. Now, I just can't believe that anymore.

I don't think that women who choose to practice complementarianism are cheating themselves. My Grandmother lived that way and was happy every day of her life. I just woke up one day, and I realized that I don't have to do it. That thought was freeing.

Polygamy and Patriarchy and the Usurpers

2011-04-18T18:18:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling really stressed at work lately. This group of children is so difficult. I come home and fall straight asleep. Anyway, I'm not going to write about that right now. It's all pretty standard anyway.

Lately, I've been watching Big Love seasons 1 and 2. I wanted to watch it because I have been watching the corresponding reality show, Sister Wives and found it fascinating.

Why do I find it fascinating? I think it is the mix of modern women and antiquated gender roles. My religion doesn't embrace polygamy, but it certainly endorses patriarchy.

At young age, I learned about the male being the head of the household and wives submitting to their husbands. I've heard more sermons on the differences between men and women than I can count.

Here's the most typical sermon I've heard: a woman's primary need is to be loved and taken care of and a man's primary need is to be respected. I heard this sermon when I was probably eight, for the first time. I remember thinking at eight years old, "Well, I would rather be loved and respected, but I would choose respected if I had to make a choice."

For a long time in my life I didn't say much about my problems with patriarchy. People told me all the time that women don't like to submit and that if they don't do it they will be poison to their families. I didn't want to be poison.

At a young age, I learned the word "usurping." It means that one is seizing power inappropriately. I think that I learned that young because everyone felt that I was at risk for being an "usurper." They were right; I totally am. The thing is that they mean by that that the women is passive aggressive, subversive, and manipulative. I've always been honest and forthright, but naturally I am not a follower.

Additionally, I think the culture I grew up in took this stuff a step further. Ambition, leadership, and even strength aren't generally appreciated in women in circles I've been raised in. It's better to be quiet and sweet natured.

I hear all the time about how emotional all women are, BUT I am an exception to that rule. I'm not naturally emotional, and I've always been confused when I've been told that I just need to be myself to find that side of me.

I think that growing up in that culture did change me. I hold back more of myself because I was taught to. Women being opinionated was bad. Women being in leadership was bad.

As I watch this show, I really identify with the oldest daughter of the family, Sarah. She doesn't like the way the women are sometimes treated in her faith, but she loves her family.

At one point, her mother asked her if she was sleeping with her boyfriend because she had been walking away from the family faith. "Mormons don't have the exlcusive rights to morality," she answered.

Now, at 26, I am starting to feel a bit like her (though my religion is a different one). I still believe in God. I still believe in Christianity. I just think that maybe people are using it wrongly. There was a time when people used it to keep slaves in bondage. There was a time when people used it to justify many terrible actions.

I think that I can be every bit as strong and independent as I feel and keep my Christian beliefs in tact.

Question #5

2011-04-12T19:52:00.000-07:00

State testing can be a bit of a trial. I have to test the Crazy 8 this year and I knew it would be tough. My white board usually reads: "Silence is golden," during testing week. For this group it read, "Silence: It's the Law."

Third grade is the first time the kids are subjected to state testing. So, I took full advantage. I gave the kids the following speech:

Boys and girls, next week is a big week for third grade. Next week we will be taking the [Insert Catchy/Infamous Acronym for State Testing]. They don't let you take this test until third grade because you can't handle it. Now you can, but we need to talk about what this means.

Usually in this class we have a rule during tests that says, "No, talking." Some of you break that rule regularly and you get a reflection or I let your parents know about the choices you are making. Well, when we take [Insert Catchy/Infamous Acronym for State Testing] it's not a rule [Insert Dramatic Pause]. It's the law!

The state passed a law that says every student gets to take this test in silence so he or she can do his or her personal best. If you choose to break this law, then you've committed a testing violation.

If you commit a testing violation, I will have to write an official report on what you did. It will say your name and what you did. It won't just go to Captain Principal either. It has to go all the way to the state--probably the Mayor or something. Because of your testing violation, your test might not count, and if that happens then how will we know if you really understand your third grade skills?

After my big speech, I saw lots of big eyes so I knew I was effective. One little boy raised his hand to ask if they would go to "juvey" if they committed a testing violation.

"Well, you probably wouldn't go to jail, but there would be a severe consequence," I told them.

My little speech must have been effective because this group of kids constantly have behaviors and no one has tried anything that memorable. That is saying something because my newest student took an entire hour after all the students finished during part 1 of the Reading test. She did the exact same thing again during the afternoon Math test.

All the kids were sitting in their seats trying to see her book, so they would know how much longer. I was walking around trying to contain the Crazy 8 for the rest of the testing session. "Hulk, turn back to your original color!" I said in passing. "Taz, quit chewing through your desk!" "Lost Boys, I don't know where you found a bunch of planks, but take down that fort at once!" However, I must confess, that when I walked by New Student who was the only one with her test left and saw that she was on question 5, I almost committed a testing violation myself! Do you think they would send me to "juvey"?

Lessons for Education from Dr. Phil

2011-04-11T18:41:00.000-07:00

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day. He claimed that these parents were some of the most difficult guests he's ever had. They reached out for help because their two teenage daughters were out of control. Dr. Phil had provided help and they sabotaged his efforts, lashed out at him, and were generally rude.

I was trying to watch how he handled them. Let's face it, as a teacher, I often try to help parents with their difficult children only to have them sabotage my efforts, lash out, or be generally rude. While watching this show, I came to the following conclusion: I need a studio audience to help me deal with these types.

Whenever the parents would say something really crazy, Dr. Phil would just look at the audience and they would roar with laughter. The problem with these type of parents in a meeting at a school is that it's always closed door. I need a jury of my peers to make my point. Instead, you close the door and suddenly these parents are describing some illogical world where up is down and black is white. Their crazy reality suddenly has as many or more votes as actual reality. How can you talk people out of that? I mean I can tell them that another student looking at their child doesn't justify their child punching another student in the nose, but if they continue to insist that it does, how do you work with them?

Well, everyone who wants to reform schools, here's my suggestion, when teachers are forced to endure stupid meetings about crazy complaints they should get a studio audience. They just should.

For Whom the Bell Tolls

2011-04-10T19:22:00.000-07:00

I am dreading work tomorrow. Dreading.

For one thing, tomorrow begins state testing week. Our school cancels P.E., Music, Art, and Library so those teachers can help test students with testing accommodations. That means I have the twenty-three precious treasures with me from 7:45am all the way until 2:35pm every day: no breaks!

Really, though, it's not testing week that is making me dread work. Testing week marks the passing of time in a school. It is the beginning of the end of the school year. Trust me, I am ready for this school year to end. It's not that I don't like the kids; it's just that I am exhausted! The kids I have this year are so hard to teach and I am ready to roll the dice and get a new crowd. The odds of it being this bad again are low, also the upcoming gradelevel doesn't have the reputation of the kids who are now in third grade.

The thing that I am really dreading is the bad news on the horizon. I have gotten a series of e-mails from the superintendent saying that program cuts are coming. This means a rif, pay cuts, or both.

When the president is on his way out, they call him a lame duck. I think the district is refusing to tell us the exact nature of the cuts because they don't want a bunch of lame ducks administering tests that determine labels and funding. I get that, but I feel the storm approaching. Also, because of my lame duck theory, I am pretty sure that Monday we hear the bad bad news.

I read in the local paper yesterday that 39% of the people in my age bracket (18-28) in this metropolitan area are unemployed. My stomach turns a little when I think about the peril my job is in. I know that I am a good teacher, but that doesn't mean I'll find a job.

Inside the walls of my house right now all is well. I have a job that pays the bills and a roof over my head. I pay my all my bills and don't have any debts or loans. I am dreading going to work, because I feel like the Grim Reaper of jobs is lurking there waiting for me. Once he finds me, there is no escape.

It's a Hard Job!

2011-04-09T16:36:00.000-07:00

No, not mine... Well, my job is a hard job, but I am talking about the job of being president of the United States.

I've been reading the rest of "W"'s autobiography the past few weeks. I have been most struck by the pressure you must face if you are president of the United States.

There was a lot of Bush bashing back when he was president and there still is, yet we elect the president. I just wish that people had respect for the office.

I didn't approve of the Bush bashing then and I don't approve of the Obama bashing now.

I Want a Wild Card

2011-04-04T18:06:00.000-07:00

I have a special headache. There is a certain part of my head that starts to hurt when I get overwhelmed by budget issues. It's damn near a migraine right now.

I've been right on the edge of our rif issues in the school district for two years. Last year I got so stressed out because I saw the impending threat of a rif coming at me like a freight train. I didn't know what to do if I was riffed because I was enrolled in grad school through the district. I ended up being temporarily being displaced, but I got to keep my job in the end.

According to my W-2's I've progressively made a little less money every year than I did when I got the amazing wages of a first year teacher. I have been threatened with a rif every one of the past three years, but hasn't actually happened to me yet.

This year I resolved to stave off worrying about it unless it actually happens. I can't do it, though. Things are bad. Things are worse than they've ever been, and we all know something serious is coming. Remember when I said I wish our superintendent would give a speech similar to that of the chief of police? For better or worse, he gave almost exactly that speech and it is going to run in several newspapers. At this point, I can no longer ignore the voice in my head saying, "brace yourself."

The thing is that this year I had it rough. I really did, and I know I've done a good job. I had a difficult job and I worked so hard to give these kids the best. I helped out with our school reading program. I worked nights and weekends. The kids have learned so much and I have been an excellent teammate. My team had problems before I came, but I am a team player and I've helped them. The thing is that none of that matters. In the end, it will come down to a number on a rif rubric. My glowing review from admin won't save me. Non-reader's parents who told me I'm the best teacher they've ever had can't help me. Bob's pictures of me as a superhero can't save me. It's a number.

My understanding of a wild card is that it started as a way to give teams who don't qualify by the book a shot. I know I am an asset to my school, and I wish I could apply for a wild card. I do.

Recovery

2011-04-03T16:16:00.000-07:00

Protein Shake

And Sleeping on the Couch

Now I am watching "Black Swan."

My body cannot handle alcohol. Period.

I Demand a Recount

2011-04-03T10:06:00.000-07:00

Thursday Night I got roped into helping with Reading and Math Night. I was just trying to get some Wednesday morning coffee from the library lounge when Madam Librarian appeared out of no where.

"Can you run a booth for the night event?" she asked me.

"I already am," I said naively assuming that she was talking about the Camp Night next week. I didn't even know we were having Reading and Math night.

To make a long story short, I was assigned to the laptop station from 6-7pm. Mrs. Partygirl, my third grade teammate, requested that we get the same assignment. The whole of our job was to make sure that people did not steal the laptops. I told Mrs. Partygirl that I thought it would pretty funny if I stole one of the laptops for a while to freak Mrs. LiteracyCoach out. I didn't carry it through, but the thought crossed my mind.

Right accross from our station was a raffle station where kids could put their names in a drawing to win reading and math games. Miss Fourthgrade was supposed to be making sure kids entered only once. Miss Fourthgrade made the mistake of leaving her station for a while.

That's when Mrs. Partygirl noticed that one of the games being raffled off was Banana Grams. She really wanted that game. "Let's enter ourselves in it!" she said.

"No," I answered, "They're pulling these names out of a hat live on announcements, and we're not supposed to enter." Well, Mrs. Partygirl of course entered herself five times anyway.

Friday morning announcement time came. Sure enough Madam Librarian pulled Mrs. Partygirl's name out of the hat. She looked confused but decided to allow it. Then, she pulled her name out for a second time.

I guess it was appropriate since this drawing happened on April Fool's Day!

The Spirit Is Willing But

2011-04-01T16:09:00.000-07:00

the flesh is weak.

I have so much to blog about floating around in my head,

BUT state testing is in one more week,

AND it is an uphill battle.

When I got home last night at 7:30 (hooray for night events at the school), my new roommate was dejected and down. She is in nursing school and one of her professors had been particularly rough on her.

I do know something about what it is like to have a supervisor be really rough on you when you are still new and learning something. After all, Principal Sadie (the former principal of my school) was about as rough on me as possible during my second year of teaching.

It made me question what I was doing. It got me pretty close to quiting.

As I was talking to her, I began to articulate what I did take away from that whole experience. I learned to deal better with criticism. Captain Principal was telling me how he sees me as much more confident when dealing with parents. Ironically, I am more confident in dealing with criticism because I've dealt with it before and I've proven it wrong before. So, my advice for newbies being torn down is to prove them wrong. You can't do it in ten minutes. You might have to wear a scarlet letter for a while. In the end, you will be the better for it.

Irony

2011-03-28T18:10:00.000-07:00

I have this set of parents that excuse their child's behavior. They are the worst I have ever seen in that regard. Today, she brought a note home back and said, "My mom said these don't matter and she doesn't care." Lovely.

I informed her mom and she explained to me how all the things her daughter does are typical behaviors for this age.

She is an excellent defense attorney for her daughter. The irony is that I predict if she doesn't quit being her daughter's lawyer and start being a parent, then she will one day have to pay for a defense attorney to represent her daughter.

They Say That I'm a Dreamer

2011-03-28T17:58:00.000-07:00

"They say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not."

Did anyone else find that line in Dinner for Schmucks hilarious? I did.

Anyway, I really am a dreamer. I have really vivid dreams every single night. Sometimes I can remember two or three. Only very recently, am I beginning to realize that not everyone is like this. I don't know if something is wrong with my sleep cycle or I spend a lot of time stressed, but sometimes I wish I could not have dreams.

Last night I was having a pleasant dream. I was coming home from traveling Europe with my mom and we were going through the local airport with all of our luggage. It was all very pleasant. Then I thought, "How can I just be in the airport with my mom when we went to Europe four years ago?" I realized it was a dream.

Then bad things started to happen, and we had to fight off people until I woke myself up. All day this dream bugged me because I am very present in all of my dreams. I think it is hard to explain to someone who doesn't remember dreams, but sometimes I don't like that I have a whole crazy subconscious life every night.

Minesweeper

2011-03-26T16:54:00.000-07:00

Have you ever played the game minesweeper? It is this game where you are diffusing a field of landmines by clicking on safe squares which reveal how many landmines you are touching. For example, if you click on an "3" then that square has three landmines touching it.

Making a seating chart for my class is exactly like playing minesweeper. You have to place all of the landmines so they are touching only safe squares. If you fail, there will be a catastrophic explosion!!!!

Anyway, it is the Crazy Eight that are making this difficult. I have to give the other students a break from the particular brand of crazy they were sitting by last quarter, but rest assured I will have to place them by a different issue.

It is hard work!

Today, dear readers, I will introduce you to the types of behaviors I encounter on a daily basis. Another day I will describe the personalities and gifts of each student with more depth, but for today I will share only behaviors that are typical. This will give you a snapshot of why all the answers are not in the Teacher's Manual.

1.) The Hulk

Sometimes the Hulk is not the Hulk. Sometimes he is just a sweet kid who can get along with anyone. However, when he gets a little bit angry or frustrated or sad; he then gets more angry and frustrated and sad. All of his emotions become one super emotion and he turns green. He rips holes in my walls. He is ready to throw down with anyone who crosses his path. He literally heaves breaths in and out when he is in this state. He will throw things. The Hulk has to have a seat by mild mannered children with a quick exit strategy. He is definitely a landmine in my game of minesweeper.

2.) The Taz

The Taz is a tornado. He doesn't do anything quietly. He actually ripped part of the floor up when he was sitting on the carpet one day. He grabs anything within reach--especially other students. He rocks in his chair. He breaks pencils. He chews on his shirt. He is completely disorganized. He loses his own pencil while he is holding it.

3.) Angelica

Angelica is a bully. She has had three different parents call the office at the school regarding her bullying (in the one year she has been here). She will steal out of kids desks. She is defiant. She was actually walked back to the school office by her bus driver one day because of her defiance. She gets other students angry faster than any other student I've ever had (even really even tempered kids).

4-6.) The Lost Boys
The lost boys are just wild. They can sit still for only short amounts of time. They all have tempers, although not to the degree of the hulk. They rarely turn in homework. They are generally disorganized and loud.

7-8.)Mean Girls
This group is a little click. They fight with each other and every other girl on campus all the time. Each and every day there are tears and drama. These are the girls who will actively say, "I don't want to be friends with you." I've had mean girls in my fifth grade classes before, but this year is the first time I have seen a tendency to be mean so young. Yowzer, I told the fifth grade teachers to retire before these girls get there because they are drama, drama, drama.

So, you can see how it is hard to seat these kids in a way that minimizes issues. Put a Mean Girl next to Angelica and you get a cat fight. Put the Taz near the Hulk and the Hulk will be in a constant Hulk state. Let the Lost Boys be near each other and you form a little gang.

Again, I will remind you, I am talking about behaviors not the students themselves. All of the kids have wonderful, redeeming qualities; most have difficult circumstances which feed their issues, but this year is a challenge--especially when it comes to seating!

Believe

2011-03-25T18:37:00.000-07:00

Today was my evaluation. It went well. Captain Principal said he sees growth in my use of data to impact student achievement and my confidence over all.

That is true. I've improved a lot over the last two years. Partly because I have so much more experience teaching. A lot because Captain Principal gave me so much room to be the teacher I can be.

There's a Psalm that says, "Fathers, don't exasperate your children." Well, maybe a Proverb??? My scripture knowledge is a little rusty these days.

Anyway, I think that it applies to all types of authority. Bosses don't exasperate your employees. Teachers don't exasperate your students.

During my evaluation, my students had a sub for one half hour. Unfortunately, the only sub we could get was really passive. She came in to do Math as the kids were coming back from lunch. She couldn't get them settled down. They were talking back, running around, and apparently generally out of control. She actually had to call the V.P. to restore order.

I have a student this year that I have nicknamed the Taz (as in Tasmanian Devil). He's one of the crazy eight. He is always making noises and messes. He destroys anything around him. If he doesn't have anything to destroy, he actually chews his own shirt until it soak all the way to the hem. The behavior intervention specialist got him this chew toy he has to chew on to stop him from licking his lips raw and chewing on his shirt. During the course of the year, he has turned around his behavior and improved his grades; but since break he has been just terrible.

The sub singled the Taz out as one of the worst, so I gave him a behavior reflection to fill out, take home, and have signed by his parents. He did fill it out, but he wrote in large letters across the bottom: ROCK ON.

I was pretty mad when I saw that, so I said, "Walk to the V.P.'s office and wait for me until I send the other kids to Music."

After the other children went to Music, I went to meet with the Taz and the V.P. in the V.P.'s office. "Taz," I said, "I don't understand. Before break, you were doing amazing. You improved your Math grades. You improved your behavior. You were doing amazing. Since break, we've had a problem every day, and today when you had to reflect you decided to celebrate your bad behavior by writing 'rock on.' It seems to me that you don't care about your Reading or your Math or school at all anymore."

The Taz is used to ending up in the principal's office for a variety of things, so he didn't break down, but he did soften. "I do care about my reading and my math. On break, I went and visited some family and it made me sad."

He didn't tell all of the details, and I knew some anyway, but he opened up. "Well," I said, "We want to help you make better choices. I want the Taz back who is so smart and so helpful, that was here before break."

After our little talk, he was back on. Well, on as much as the Taz ever is. All week, I've been moving him to seats by himself. I've been making him complete assignments on his break. Yet, the supportive talk was the answer.

I believe in discipline and accountability. I do. Most of the time there should be more. But, fathers should not exasperate their children. Those who follow you have to believe that you believe in them. Teachers have to believe that principals believe in them to succeed. Students have to believe that teachers believe in them to succeed.

Confession: I Might Be Naive

2011-03-19T17:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

I did start this blog three years ago, knowing a few things about myself. I knew that I was young. I was twenty-three, at the time. Actually this blog was originally titled Chronicle of a Young Teacher. I knew I was green. I didn't know a lot about education. I was honestly just trying to keep my head above water. I knew I was naive. I wanted to save the world like everyone else, but it hurt as realities hit me all the time.

I like to think that now I am a little wiser in the ways of the world. If you are thinking that I am still pretty young, I agree; but this job makes you grow up fast. I like to think that I have learned a thing or two about education. It takes a lifetime to be an expert, but at least I know how to properly do my job now.

This weekend, though, I did something I said I wouldn't do. I had declared that I wouldn't watch Waiting for Superman because I didn't think it would be an accurate picture of the state of public education.

I know enough to know that if Waiting for Superman were taken as a light shining and revealing the truth then it would be a gross misrepresentation of American public schools. My school is nothing like the ones portrayed in that movie. Frankly, we do a better job than most of the charter schools portrayed in that movie.

It was surprising to me, though, what it is like in failing public schools. The district I teach for is then highest performing district of its size in my state. I did a little research on my district and every single one of the schools in my district is in the top 20% of schools (that includes private, public, and charter) in this state. Is it because of the demographic? Partially, but we do have a mixed demographic. Our school actually qualified under title one until last year.

My point is that I actually went to elementary school in the same public school district I now teach in. This district is one of the best. That's made me naive about how serious problems in education are.

I guess I always knew that a failing school is fundamentally different from where I work. I always thought of my district as the norm. I'm coming to realize that it is far above that. We're the district that realtors in the area advertise first and makes property value go up. We're the district that people drive to from other districts. We are the exception.

Now, lest you think I am bragging, I don't believe my district outperforms others because of hiring good teachers. There is another district within ten minutes of us that is probably the lowest performing district in the state. Is the key difference the teachers? I don't believe it is. My district hires good teachers and the district down the road hires good teachers. If staffs were switched out entirely, I don't believe the performance would be consistently or profoundly improved in the lower performing district.

The key difference is the demographic. Don't misunderstand me. My district deals with our fair share of issues. We have a high non-English speaking population, we have a large number of students living in poverty, we actually bus kids off of the reservation and the reality is those kids come to us with educational deficits if they've attended school on the reservation at all. We still don't have anything that compares to the district down the road. Those teachers did not cause the issues those schools have. Those kids at those schools did not get a fair deal. "Waiting for Superman" can claim the schools caused the neighborhoods all they want. If my school were switched with that one, we would encounter the same problems.

I guess I do have to realize that public schools are not always as good as or better than private schools.

The other thing I was shocked by is tenure. We don't actually have tenure in this state at all. I've seen a lot of underperforming teachers get fired. The only "bad teachers" I have ever seen (and I am including colleagues and the teachers I had as a student) were novice teachers. What I've noticed is that they are either weeded out and let go or they learn. I have no question in my mind about what would happen if I didn't do my job well--I would be fired. All I've ever seen our unions do is handle frivolous lawsuits and personality disputes between administrators and teachers. I don't honestly know if it is different in other states, but I am starting to believe it might be.

What I can say about Waiting for Superman is this: It was a new and valid perspective. That's how I believe it should be looked at--as one view of a very complex issue. Here's my confession about my blog, though--it's one valid view of a complex issue. Sometimes I think that I have the truth light to reveal how public education really is. That's not the case though. I can reveal a perspective that you haven't experienced at all if you are outside the classroom and that might be very different than your inside perspective. My perspective might lead me to a different conclusion than a parent in an impoverished school district, it might lead me somewhere different than a principal of a private school in a wealthy neighborhood, it might lead me somewhere different than the politicians; but it is important. How are we ever going to work together to answer the issues we have if we can't value the other points of view?

So, in conclusion, readers, thanks for listening. Thanks also for commenting. Thanks also for writing, those of you who write your own blog. Recently, I've realized that there are readers who don't live in Education World, as I affectionately call it. I appreciate your reading what it is like from this side. I appreciate your comments, too. I might see things differently, but I know we're on the same side.

Yours Sincerely,

Miss Understood

As a side note, I want to welcome any suggestions on other education blogs. What do you read? I would like to read more of what people are saying. I am trying to widen my perspective a little.

Of Flora and Fauna

2011-03-18T15:23:00.000-07:00

I want to build a little background for this post. It's educational after all, and that is what I do. So, I am going to build some background about where I live.

On the one hand, I would classify my location is urban. It's a ten minute drive to three professional sports arenas. There are three Starbucks within a mile of my house. We don't have any one lane roads. In fact, the four lane road just outside my neighborhood is always packed with traffic, to the point that you can't make a left out of this neighborhood.

On the other hand, I have lived in a really urban setting before and this is different. I don't hear sirens or people yelling outside my window at night. People mostly drive, not walk or take subways to where they are going. Everywhere has parking lots. In that regard, I guess this area is more suburban.

All this to say that I live in a house, actually a duplex, in a rather populated area. We're not surrounded by nature. We're surrounded by concrete and stores and other houses.

I will also say that our house is surrounded by a jungle. We live in the desert, but for some reason we have a banana tree and vines growing up the outside of our house and rose bushes and citrus trees. You might be thinking, "Wow, Ms. Understood, you must have a large yard." No, no I don't; we have a lot of plants in a tiny space. You can imagine that the "urban wildlife" love the oasis of our yard. Now, if you've ever lived somewhere at all urban, you know that urban wildlife is not at all desirable. It is rodents and insects and neighboring pets.

Generally, I try to avoid the flora that is all around the outside of the house. Generally, I try to avoid any fauna that finds its way inside. Over break, however, our duplex mates decided to remove the stone tile in the entry way and kitchen of their home with jack hammers. They gave us ear plugs as a consolation prize. I left them sitting on the counter and they vibrated to the floor as a result of the jackhammering.

All this work has also stirred up the wildlife. I haven't seen a roach in our house for over a year. This week I have found one every day. I sprayed everything with Raid today, but I think the jackhammering is stirring everything up.

I tried to pacify myself with some arranging of fake flowers, the kind bugs do not like. I like the decoration, but it does not compensate for the jackhammering.

The Well

2011-03-16T20:23:00.000-07:00

My nephew came over today. He's almost two weeks old now. I was holding him and it was fun and sweet until he started to get mad. I definitely handed him off as soon as he started to get upset because I don't know how to deal with babies. Babies are takers by nature. Seriously, they need you to do everything for them and I don't know where to begin. I have a lot of respect for parents, but I know I will be terrified if and when I am one.

As a teacher it's all about giving. Working with kids is kind of like volunteering for a life of being the giving one. Seriously, it's you versus twenty-five takers. I knew that getting into it. In spite of that, I am often sucked into the vortex of self-pity. There are those times, like last week, for example, that leave me feeling like I have nothing left to give.

Thursday night, for example, after the final parent teacher conference. I felt like I had nothing left. I had been talking and talking, and teaching and teaching. Yet, I felt empty on the inside. I got into my car and pulled out of the parking lot. Immediately tears were streaming down my face.

It was exhaustion and it was grief. The moment passed and I feel better. Yet, it got me to thinking about why I went down this path in the first place.

The reason I got into teaching is because I have a lot to give. The reason that I have a lot to give is because when I was a taker much was given to me. I'm like a well; my strength and agility and goodness runs deep. Even on bad days, like last week, I have so much to draw from. My God and my family have given so much. To whom much is given, much is required.

If even a little bit of the people who raised me rubbed off, I hope I can pay it forward.

Spring Break

2011-03-14T19:12:00.000-07:00

It's here.

I didn't realize how much I needed it just to recover.

For a few months, I've been living with a consistently high stress level. For the last week, I've been living with an unsettled sadness.

I know that I still have a lot of work to do. I still feel for all that my family is going through. I feel better though.

Mascara Break Resumed

2011-03-13T16:03:00.000-07:00

Sunday is my family day. It is church day, too--when I go, but every Sunday my family, my grandparents, my aunt and uncle and two cousins who live in town go to lunch or at least eat together.

You know, I have been feeling better, but they say grief comes in waves. I didn't get to go to the funeral because it was in Dallas, but most of my family did. They returned to town today and we had our usual lunch. Somehow, when I see the loss written all over their faces it gets a little more real.

We have all been planning a family reunion this summer. I hadn't thought about B being missing. At our last family reunion, he and I invented crazy songs that rhymed about everyone else.

My Granddad said that hopefully this family trip will be a healing time for everyone, but I hadn't thought of how hard it would be until today. I guess I haven't even seen as much of my family as I usually do because they were at the funeral and I've been working non-stop. So, I've been back to wearing mascara and going about business as usual. There's going to be a few more hard days, though. There just is.

The Whole Enchilada

2011-03-13T07:32:00.000-07:00

Preface: I haven't written anything about Japan, not because I haven't been thinking about it, but because I don't know what to say. The tragedy hasn't been in my blog, but it's been in my prayers.

I turned twenty-six on Friday. I went to Happy Hour with a bunch of friends from work to celebrate my birthday and Spring Break. As usual, it turned into a discussion on "finding me a man" (their words; not mine). They wanted to know what are my non-negotiables.

As I get older, this idea of non-negotiables comes up more and more. My roommate told me her non-negotiables are not cheating and a stable job. Her non-negotiables have led her down this path where she is on the track to marriage. Only she can know what is truly in her heart, but I sometimes wonder if love was a "non-negotiable."

Now, I am not a relationship expert. I have spent far more time single than in relationships. I have learned something from being on my own, though. I have learned that I don't need someone to take care of me. I can do it.

It's just that I listen to a lot of my friends talk about relationships and they think of it sooo differently than I do. They talk about the house that they want and they see the men in their lives in terms of what he does and where he is going.

I think about my little dating frenzy last summer and I know that I can't fall in love with the whole package. Everyone thought that I should continue to date PreLawGuy. He has the bright future, he would treat me well. He really was the whole package.

I don't want the whole package, though. Down here in the Southwest we talk about something called the whole enchilada. By it, we mean, we want the good, the bad and everything else because enchiladas are so good.

I didn't want to be with someone that if he lost his job then it would change things. I guess my non-negotiable is sort of intangible. I just want to end up with someone who is who he is no matter what. I want to be with someone who thinks I am who I am no matter what. I don't know. I mean, I might not always be a skinny blonde. Certainly I won't always be young and fashionable. I might not always be a teacher. It has to be something on the inside that makes you want to be with someone.

The Marathon Day 5

2011-03-11T19:27:00.000-08:00

What is a marathon about? It's about finishing what you started. It might be about finishing strong, but I didn't so much do that, so I am going to leave it at this: the marathon is all about finishing.

I can't really say I was an awesome teacher today, but I was there. Let's look at it objectively, though. We don't have time cards, so I can't give you my exact hours, but let's look at time spent in the building. On Sunday, I went in to finish lesson planning and conference folders. I put in almost exactly five hours.

Monday, I got to school at 6:30am and left by about 4:30. Tuesday I worked about 6:30-3:30. Wednesday I worked from 6:15am-7:00pm. Thursday again I worked from about 6:15am-7:30pm. That means that including Sunday I walked into Friday with 50 hours under my belt--not including any of the papers I graded at home...

So, I arrived at the building at 6:30 and when the kids left at 2:30, I was working my 58th hour of the week. I really should have made the kids do this as an elapsed time problem, so they could properly understand why I was not in the mood for their tattling or bickering.

So, it's been a difficult race, but it is over, and I have been rewarded with Spring Break.

Addendum: Yes, I realize that my choice of song is ridiculous. I am tired. I can't really finish my marathon of blogging about my marathon strongly either.

The Marathon Day 4

2011-03-10T19:28:00.000-08:00

Today was better. It felt good to finish the bulk of my conferences. It feels good that tomorrow I am going home after school and it will be break. My work stress is fizzling out, and a break, a much needed break is coming.

I am feeling better about the loss too. I'm still sad, and I worry about my family, but it's not so painful as it was earlier this week. Now, I feel more for my family who is closer to him and whose grief will be hard and long lasting.

My life feels a little more normal and so do I.

You know, I prayed that God would take it easy on me today and He did. I felt better. It's good because tomorrow is my birthday. I will be tired, but at least I won't be exhausted and sad.

Today one of my students brought me a present. It was a potted flower. His card said, "I wanted to get you Suns tickets, but my mom said 'no'," it was very sweet.

One more day of this marathon. One more day...

The Marathon Day 3

2011-03-09T18:36:00.000-08:00

I couldn't sleep last night. I was making it worse for myself because I was getting stressed out about not being asleep which makes it harder to sleep in the first place.

I kept thinking about how I would feel by this point in the parent/teacher conference marathon: tired. I was right about that. Exhausted... I'm beyond that now.

I was so sad during my morning commute. I cried about B's funeral being today. Then, I walked into the building at 6:15am. It was like a big hug. I had to forget about my family troubles. I had a meeting in an hour. I had to teach and then I had an endless line of meetings. I walked out at 7:05pm.

I just feel tired and hollow. I never realized it until this week, but my happy family is my anchor. I can go about my life in this world, I can work thirteen hour days, I can do it because I know that all is happy and right in my family world.

When all is wrong, it is hard.

The Marathon Day 2

2011-03-08T17:32:00.000-08:00

I'm just sad. The cloud of grief is hanging over me.

And the exhaustion is coming. I have eleven conferences tomorrow. I have to teach tomorrow.

Tomorrow is B's funeral.

I can fight the sad and keep on doing my job, but the sad will be there waiting for me tomorrow at seven when I finally get to go home.

Then, I'll close my eyes. It will be Thursday and I will work fourteen more hours.

The Marathon Begins

2011-03-07T17:08:00.000-08:00

This morning I put my keys in the ignition when the first wave of sadness hit me. I just knew at the same time 24 hours earlier my cousin put the keys in the ignition to go to work and it was one of the last things he did. When the morning was peaceful and quiet, I thought of him.

As I pulled into the parking lot, I took a deep breath. As soon as I got out of the car, the day would be nonstop.

At seven fifteen, I was supposed to have the first parent teacher conference. I was supposed to meet with the parent who demanded a new teacher when she saw how young I am. She didn't show. I tried to pick up the debris left all over my classroom when I left early to go to the hospital on Friday. At seven forty-five, the kids shot into the room like out of a cannon. The parent who didn't show up sent a note requesting a reschedule for Wednesday. I took another deep breath as this was her third reschedule and sent after the scheduled meeting.

The day was both slow and fast. I thought the reading lesson with these kids would never end, but somehow it doesn't seem that long ago, now, when the sun is setting, that I put my keys in the ignition.

This week I have an additional 11.5 hours of parent/teacher conferences. That is twenty-three half hour meetings. I also have to teach all week. The kids all have spring fever.

If I make it til Friday, I'll turn twenty-six. The last four years have been the slowest and fastest of my life. Now, though, when it is quiet again for a little (very little) while, I feel another wave of sadness; but also a wave of gratitude. Every day is a gift.

Goodbye B

2011-03-06T12:31:00.000-08:00

The writer in me is a romantic. Maybe I'm a cynic, but at the end of the day, I want to write in a way that shows the rainbow at the end of the storm and the silver lining. Life just makes more sense when you see it that way.

Today, though, there is no silver lining. There's no rainbow. It's just a door slammed in your face. It's just a screen gone black in the middle of a movie. It's one shoe dropping when the other never will.

This morning at five o'clock in the morning my cousin was driving to work and was in a car accident. He was killed.

My heart can't fathom that. He was twenty-two. He'll never see twenty-three.

It's not like I see this cousin all the time. I see him maybe once or twice a year. It's just that the injustice of it is like a slap in the face. You shouldn't have a funeral where your grandparents and parents are there. You shouldn't miss your college graduation because you were killed. You shouldn't have your life ended before it begins.

The Day You Were Born

2011-03-05T11:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Nephew,

The day that you were born I was teaching a room full of 9 year olds. My phone rang and I thought you were here, but you weren't here yet. You and your mother were rushed to the hospital because your little heart was beating more and more slowly.

Your heart beat must have been faint in that hospital. I was in a school all the way across town, but somehow I could hear it. That's the way it is with family. Maybe someday if your sister, who's almost two now, has a child of her own you could understand why.

So, I left the school, in the middle of the day, to go and be with your sister and your Grammy while you were being born. We thought you would never get here! You did get here, though, and you were a big boy!

Everyone was so happy. Your Dad scared you with the flash on his camera and we all laughed. Your heart beat is still a little slow, but the doctor says he thinks you will be just fine in a few days.

So, nephew, I guess you didn't come into the world so easy. Literary experts tell us, though, that this is how heroes come into the world. So, if you ever feel like things are not going so well, just remember: you came into this world like a hero. So, whatever comes up, you can deal with it.

Love,

Aunt Understood=).

Power Struggle

2011-03-03T15:34:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer:

There are some things on this blog I have to really filter what I say. Oh, I'm an open book when it comes to what I really think about education, politics, and all things related to my work; but there are some things that I keep tight-lipped about.

One of the things that is tricky to address publicly without crossing a line are topics in Special Education. I can never mention something I've actually seen written in an IEP. I cannot talk directly about specific issues that could be traced back to specific kids. I can't talk about any legal issues, and in special education, any sizable public school district has legal issues in special education. It is a highly litigated field.

So, I am going to address some Special Education issues today, but in the interest of journalistic integrity; I am merging details, changing details, and making my real life experience murky and unrecognizable. That being said I will speak only based on things I have observed directly.

I also always refrain from talking about family secrets. By family secrets I mean those issues within the district that we all know are going on, but we are not allowed to discuss publicly. So, today I will talk about a problem many teachers in my district face with curriculums and accountability. Again, I am merging, changing, and obscuring.

My moral education is strongly based in Hollywood, so today please turn with me to the book of Spiderman. Peter Parker got it right, but incomplete when he learned that "with great power comes great responsibility." With great power does come great responsibility, but the reverse should also be true: with great responsibility should come great (or at least sufficient) power.

I think that a lot of my frustration with my field comes from the power struggle. No, I'm not talking about when you get annoyed with Johnny-Talksbackalot. No, I'm not talking about when you have an administrator who feels the need to correct the way you hand someone a stack of papers. I am talking about the BIG POWER STRUGGLE. The push for total, no-excuses, accountability with the simultaneous push for controlled classrooms and teaching practices. I am going to share two examples of this.

1.) In my district, we are required to use a Math curriculum that doesn't work, but we are totally responsible for the performance of our students in Math.

I saw this video on Joan Jacob's blog. It depicts a girl using strategies found in the required Math curriculum. I can hardly even do a lot of these strategies.

What do we do? A lot of us use the curriculum to subsidize and teach strategies that work, but in schools where it is a more micromanaged environment, their test scores suffer and teachers are directly accountable. We have the great responsibility to improve Math scores, but we don't have the power to do what works.

2.) Sometimes inclusion creates an unsafe and poor learning environment, but schools lack the power to rectify these situations.

Here's where I have to be careful what I say, but just know that I am changing details.

There is a student in another class at my school who has grown very violent. She punched the glasses off the face of the music teacher Monday. She punched the assistant principal in the nose. She tried to stab her teacher with a plastic knife from the cafeteria and has hit her third grade teacher and every other teacher she has had. I don't know how many students She has punched, kicked or hit. She does have a disability and she does these things with a smile on her face.

Today she punched my little nonreader in his face giving him a black eye. She did this with no warning and for no reason. She just walked across the playground and punched him in the face.

All of her teachers cry all the time. I think everyone in our school knows that this child belongs in a self-contained environment, but the parents believe general ed is the least restrictive environment. The laws make it so hard for us to force the issue. You really can't imagine how hard. We have great responsibility to provide a safe, positive learning environment, but we don't have power to put this child in a more appropriate setting.

How Do You Fight Stress about Parent Issues???

2011-03-01T18:38:00.000-08:00

I am sorry if I am annoying anyone who is used to my anecdotal writing, but lately I'm in a mood to get advice. My job is hard this year, and I am doing the best that I can, but I want to get better, truly, I do.

I spend a lot of time flirting with the idea of quitting teaching. My favorite analogy for teaching is that it is like a bad boyfriend. You can be in love with him, but he is always threatening to break up with you, mistreats you, and constantly tells you you're not good enough for him. You love him, but he's bad for you. It's breaks the hearts of your loved ones to see you in a long term relationship with teaching, but they're not quite sure how to talk to you about it because you love him.

Seriously, I could bitch about this all day, but it is not getting me anywhere. Either I want to continue teaching or I don't. So, recently, I am trying on the idea that I will keep teaching for my entire career.

That is a tough thing for me to believe. I worry, frankly, that teaching will just suck the life out of me and destroy who I am before I notice what it has done to me. I try to remember what my life was like before teaching was my full time job. It's only been four years, but I can barely remember. I liked to read a lot more. I was more social. Was I happier?

I sometimes wonder what would be different if I wasn't teaching. Would I be in a long-term relationship. Honestly, I am so tired that it makes me not want to meet new people. I think about work when I'm not at work. I don't know if I would still be like that without teaching or not.

One of the things that makes me think I don't want to keep teaching forever is my reaction to unreasonable adults. I get twisted up inside anytime a parent has an issue. I am jealous of people who shake it off and forget about it. I would enjoy my job more if I could not worry about parent issues. I know that they come up for everyone, but not everyone loses sleep over it.

So, I want to know, what do you do to let go of anxiety or never have anxiety about issues with parents? If you are like me and you can't figure it out, I'd like to know that too. Misery loves company. Seriously, though, a part of me wants to stick this gig out, but there are things that have to change about me before I will be able to sustain a long term teaching career. Help me change, blogging friends.

Fractions Game Plan

2011-02-28T19:18:00.000-08:00

Preface: My posts are usually narrative, but this post is going to be analytical. A lot of the challenges I face, as a teacher, and you can read about here are managerial and personal and people-oriented. This difficulty I am having teaching fractions is an instructional challenge. Sometimes those are like second nature to me because of who I am and what I do, but tonight you can see my thinking on this.

What are my primary objectives for this group of students?

*My students' knowledge of basic fraction vocabulary (half, whole, third, numerator, denominator, equivalent) will be automatic.
*My students will have a thorough knowledge that fractions are equal parts of a whole.
*My students will develop concrete strategies to reason about fractions.
*My students will be proficient in the process of comparing fractions by drawing accurate representation of fractions.

What makes fractions a challenge with this group?

The standards suggest that my students should reason abstractly about fractions, but in this particular group of students there are a significant number that are not yet able to do that. My challenge becomes to give them concrete strategies to deal with abstract processes. (Understanding why 2/3 is less than 3/4 is abstract, but there is a way to make it concrete.)

My students lack the foundational knowledge and skills they should have entered third grade with as it relates to fractions. They did not come to me able to name fractions or recognize them.

So, what is my plan?

Automatic Vocabulary Knowledge: I am going to use short repeated phrases and motions to reinforce vocabulary at the beginning of every lesson and to remind students throughout the lesson. Here is the repertoire.

Class, what is a fraction?
A fraction is a part of a whole number, Miss Understood.

Then, I will put up a slide that says 1/2; 1/3; 1/4; 1/5; 1/6; 1/7; 1/8; 1/9; 1/10; 1/11; 1/12. The students will count through these fractions out loud with me before we begin the lesson.

Every single time that I say the term numerator at any point in a lesson, they will have to say, "Numerator, number on top, target number," with a motion. Every single time I say denominator, they will have to say, "Denominator, number on bottom, total number," with a motion.

Concrete Strategies: I already have my speech planned, and it is going to work because I tell the kids I have this year all the time that this or that isn't hard and they will see. As we go on in fractions, I will say the following, "Boys and girls, I always tell you that the things we do aren't that hard if you pay attention and keep trying, but I will tell you something new today. Thinking about fractions is really hard, but I will tell you a secret to make it easier. Whenever you see a fraction imagine food. You can pick. Imagine either a pizza or a cake and we'll look at it in terms of the pieces and the part you get to eat." I am hoping that with this line of thinking being encouraged over and over again they will be able to look at something like 2/3 and 2/4 and see why two big pieces are more than two smaller ones.

Proficiency in the Process of Comparing Fractions: We are going to repeatedly practice drawing fraction boxes and using them to compare fractions. I will grade their work on neatness and showing equal parts. I will repeatedly remind them that if they don't draw these accurately this won't work.

As far as helping them develop a conceptual framework for fractions, I want to make it relevant. I'm going to play a game with them called fraction scavenger hunt. I will make a worksheet that says things like 9/24 of our class are this gender, 10/24 of our class have this color of hair, 2/24 of our class wear these. I'll put my attendance roster with pictures on the smartboard and the kids will use their knowledge of numerators and denominators to figure it out.

This is my game plan and a lot of it came out of the comments I just read. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE HELP!

Need Some Blogger Wisdom on Fractions

2011-02-27T09:40:00.000-08:00

To me, fractions is the most difficult math concept to teach in the intermediate grades. I thought it was the most difficult standard when I taught fifth grade and in third grade I find it even harder.

I am not going to lie, I think our standards on fractions in this state are not developmentally appropriate for third grade, but I have to teach them any way. My third graders have to compare and order fractions with unlike denominators, find fractional sets of whole numbers, and solve problems involving fractions with unlike denominators (they're supposed to reason through this, not convert fractions yet).

Now, it was hard for me last year and my class was soooo much easier to teach. People, I am scared to attempt these difficult concepts with these difficult kids. I can tell you right now, the curriculum alone will not be sufficient to teach this group of kids--it will go right over their heads! So, does anyone have advice, tips, tricks, maybe prayers for teaching these fraction concepts to a really low group including many students with learning disabilities? Please, if you do, help me, I need it!

Change

2011-02-26T13:32:00.000-08:00

I am so college right now. My good friend's house was foreclosed on this week, so we are taking on a third roommate. I spent the day reorganizing to clear out the coat closet and starting to move everything in the office to new locations. The office will be our new roommate's room. It does have a half bath, but she'll have to use the showers in mine and my roommate's rooms. The office doesn't even have a closet!

Actually I am starting to feel like Cinderella's evil stepsister or Harry Potter's aunt and uncle who made him live under the stairs as I am getting her room ready. It's just that the two Master bedroom's are so spacious and the office is one step up from a closet.

I am excited for my friend to move in, though, and she is paying a little bit of rent which will help us out financially. I wish we had a better room for her, though.

What I Know

2011-02-24T18:33:00.000-08:00

It's Thursday. That means a lot of my colleagues across the country--and maybe the world--are stumbling over to their couches with bags under their eyes feeling exhausted and wondering how they can keep up the pace for another day. I wonder if anyone else turns on the news only to hear incessant complaining about lazy teachers. I wonder how these television personalities who still have energy left at 5pm call me lazy.

I turned off the television and logged onto facebook. The parents of my little nonreader had posted a picture of he and I from the first day of school. That was six months ago now.

I remember very clearly the first weeks of school with him. I remember him tracing the alphabet above my white board with his fingers. I remember him laboring over each letter, one by one. I remember him failing every test of basic literacy.

Here we are six months later, and his life is headed in a different direction. He isn't reading at grade level yet, but he is reading. He's receiving resource services. He's receiving pull out literacy services.

As a teacher, I am constantly having unattainable goals put before me. In fact, by the measure of No Child Left Behind my work with nonreader is a failure because he will probably still score novice on his standardized testing. As a teacher, I've often felt like I am sinking under the heavy burdens placed on me.

So, what is success? By the rif rubric, it is going to meetings and serving on committees and years spent in the classroom. By accountability, it is my students scoring proficiently on state testing.

I promised myself that he would read before he finished the year with me. I promised myself not because it was a smart goal, not because I wanted more points to keep my job, not because I wanted my test scores to go up, but because here was a child who needed something I could give.

As I looked at the picture of us on the first day of school all the noise of what's wrong with teachers and education dissolved. It was quiet in my heart and head and I knew once again why I keep doing this.

Sleep

2011-02-24T16:19:00.000-08:00

I am getting that cold everyone is getting. Last night, I went to bed ar 8:00. I just want to fall asleep right now.

If my health was the deciding factor, I would call in tomorrow and try to sleep it off. BUT it is not. I have no sub plans written. I just got an e-mail bout how tomorrow is a "high absence" day and seven teachers are already out; they are concerned if anyone else is out that the spots won't fill. That means my kids would probably be split among the other teachers. So, I'll be there tomorrow. Tired.

Moral Compass

2011-02-21T09:41:00.000-08:00

On Friday, we had a flag raising ceremony at my school, in honor of President's Day. It's a mystery to me why we plan the floor map of the ceremony in a way where 90% of the kids can't see. We do that, though, every year. All the classes march out in lines. They are positioned so that the line leader can see, but no one else (excepting the very tall) can see.

Before we went out, I warned my class to stay in line and be respectful. This class was the first class I've ever had that didn't follow that request. There was about ten of them bound and determined to push and shove their ways to the front. When we got back, I pointed out that it was quite a poor display of citizenship. They looked at me in disbelief, "But, we couldn't see."

I could almost imagine some of the gods of education weighing in on this incident.

Piaget would tell me that nine-year-olds are in the process of dissolving egocentric thinking. I should have them role play and think about the perspective of those they were pushing. I should point out that others could not see, but chose a different way.

Maslow would tell me that I failed to put my students in a position where their needs were met. They were justified in a way because they were trying to observe the ceremony. I didn't meet their needs.

Gardner would tell me that this group needs to develop interpersonal intelligence. I should do some teambuilding activities and involve more interpersonal skills in our daily routine.

Pavlov and Skinner would probably tell me to train them better. Good line, reward, repeat...

Dewey would tell me to create an opportunity for them to discover a better way. We should plan a new floor map, write a what if essay on everyone pushing.

What did I do? I told them that it was selfish. Maybe, Piaget, you're right, they did it partially because they are in the process of developing a wider perspective that considers others. Maslow, it's true that the plan was poor and that's on me or the school. Gardner, they certainly need to develop interpersonal intelligence for life and for the class. Pavlov, we will certainly practice the line. Dewey, they should discover a better plan and not have me give it to them.

I try to incorporate the vast amount of information in my head given to me courtesy of the gods of education. Sometimes, though, I just want to call of the wisdom of what they did in the "good old days." People, children or otherwise, should be decent and think of others. If kids still need to learn that and their parents won't teach them, we should teach them. We shouldn't apologize or excuse bad behavior.

I don't think kids today are bad kids, but I think a lot of kids are being sold short on moral wisdom. We're so afraid of overstepping our bounds and telling them what is right and wrong, we're so afraid of rocking their world by introducing an idea that is not developmentally appropriate, we are so afraid of putting our moral judgements on someone else, that no one teaches right and wrong.

Fairy Tales

2011-02-19T11:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Education Reformers,

Somewhere there is a school where Snow White is teaching her seven "dwarfs." They come to school every day with freshly scrubbed faces and new pencils and homework they gave their all. They place an apple (no, not a poisoned one) on her desk. All of her students learn what she is teaching and no one is ever left behind.

People think that working with children is a fairy tale or at least that a competent teacher would make it into one. My experience working with children is more like really juicy reality tv. Sometimes it is moving; sometimes it is funny; sometimes it is heartbreaking; it never follows a straight line.

I am so tired of fairy tale politics.

Many of my students do not have it easy. They come to school in dirty clothes, with hungry stomachs--if they come at all. They come to school angry about whatever is going on at home. They come to school tired. Many of my students face obstacles on the inside. Letters reverse themselves as they enter my students' minds. Mental impairment can make a student younger on the inside than on the outside.

Don't think for a second that I don't feel the struggles of my students. Don't think for a second that I don't fight for their success. Don't think for a second that my mind is on making my own job easier. I just know that there is not an easy answer.

Your quick-fix solutions are making it worse.

Because of your fairy tale philosophy, you have taken all accountability away from students and parents.

A school should be like gym, where we help students work towards potential and their effort leads to success. You've turned our schools into hospitals where we treat deficiencies in education. Our students become like patients; it's our job to make sure they get educated even if they just lay there. Lack of education is not a disease; it's an opportunity!

You wonder why our highest achievers don't do more. You wonder why our students aren't prepared for their future. You wonder what is wrong with the teaching methods or the tests or the curriculum. The problem is how you saw them. You didn't BELIEVE in them.

You demanded hard-working teachers, but you didn't demand hard-working students. You can continue to pass more legislation about teacher accountability. You won't find your fair tale because it is just fantasy.

It's not fair. Some students will have to work ten times harder than others. Some will learn their lessons the hard way. It won't follow a perfect line of progress.

If you want to fix education, change the what you're searching for. See the opportunity where you once saw the deficiency.

Yours Respectfully,
Miss Understood

I Am Not Feeling So Smart Today

2011-02-16T19:08:00.000-08:00

Wednesdays are early release days for the students. We usually have a lot of meetings filling Wednesday afternoons, but today our meeting was short because the speaker cancelled.

We all had more time than we are used to, so we were having a "team meeting" in superstar teachers classroom. At this "team meeting" we were generally talking about the latest gossip and they were goading me about Mr. Substitute and how he is subbing for Miss New2OurTeam tomorrow.

I was telling them that I can't go out with him not only because I think he is gay, but also because he wears weird costumes, in public (YEAH). Anyway, they wouldn't believe me. "I'll show you," I told them, "on facebook."

Well, of course facebook is blocked by firewalls on our school network, so I got out my phone to show them. I showed them, I really showed them, and I was feeling superior as we got back to the gossip.

The gossip was that Mr. Kindergarten, a new teacher at our school, got engaged after three months of dating a girl he met on line. This had been announced by his teammate today at the short meeting. Apparently, he didn't want anyone to know he got engaged, but too late for him because we all know now. He is a bit, um, odd aside from this whole thing.

So, as we got back to the gossip, my teammates were like, "Hey, look up Carlos Kindergarten on facebook, so we can see his fiance." He's not my friend on facebook, actually I don't think we've ever had a conversation in real life, but I decided to look him up anyway.

So, I typed his full name, Carlos Kindergarten, into my facebook search bar. Well, as soon as I typed and entered it, I realized that I didn't type it into the search bar. No, I typed it directly onto my wall. Yeah, Carlos Kindergarten's name right onto my wall which went directly to the newsfeed where all my friends from Fun School can see it.

Worse than that, I couldn't delete it; because while my phone can access facebook, the delete function doesn't work on my phone. Mrs. Partygirl, another teacher on BFF Team, immediately got out her new phone and commented on my post. She wrote, "Don't be sad, Ms. Understood." Which was just great because the announcement about his engagement had just been made.

In the end, my post was only up for about an hour. Mr. Bull, my former fifth grade colleague lives in the on campus apartment and he let me use his computer at his house to delete it.

Seriously, though, I'm pretty sure some people saw it before that. Plus, I don't know Carlos Kindergarten, but I get the impression he would not have a good sense of humor about this.

All I Want to Do Is Throw Angry Birds

2011-02-15T19:25:00.000-08:00

Is it wrong that after a day of building young minds all I want to do is destroy structures by hurling birds at them from a sling shot? Why would I like the sound of breaking glass? If I had some birds and a sling shot would I be willing to throw actual birds into actual structures? Are angry birds simply a manifestation of the daily frustrations I am powerless against? Why do I suddenly have the urge to break a dish? Could this be an example of my inner Hulk? Did I catch anger management class?

How do I beat level 3.15?

Do you think playing Angry Birds is a legitimate excuse to miss work?

Revenge of the Secret Cupid

2011-02-14T19:13:00.000-08:00

Well, I can't say I didn't get annoyed today. The Hulk was the Hulk all day long. But, I can say that I did not raise my voice and that we actually had a lot of cooperative work today. The kids really enjoyed the conversation heart data and pictograph activity and the story we are reading is a fun one as well, so I think that helped me enjoy Valentine's Day in an elementary school more...

I did find one reason to get really excited to go to school tomorrow. It doesn't really have to do with kids or teaching, but what are you going to do?

I have a prank in store for my next door neighbor. Oh yes, exactly the same neighbor who was pranking me exactly a year ago with all the secret cupid stuff.

Today, after Superstar teacher left, I snuck into her classroom and opened up the wire board in her computer table. I plugged my reciever for the wireless mouse into her computer, and hid my wireless mouse underneath her computer table to charge. The point is that I hooked up my wireless mouse to her computer and smartboard.

Now, every day at precisely 9:25, my class combines with her class to do the phonics program. It's a scripted program that she's bee trained on and I haven't, so she teaches both classes through the five minute routine every day. Tomorrow at 9:25, I am going to have some fun. While she is setting up, I will sneak over and get my wireless mouse. I'll use my coat to hide what I am doing and control the smartboard while she is teaching. At first I'll just move it and make her think that her smartboard is acting up, but then I'll use my mouse to access the marker tool and start writing messages, like "shhhh." The trick is going to be not laughing, that's how I could really mess this up.

Lessons for Education from Grey's Anatomy

2011-02-13T13:49:00.000-08:00

Don't judge me for this or do, I guess it's okay; but I've been walled up watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy. I don't know, do you ever have one of those weekends where you don't want to see anyone or do anything? Really, do you, because I am starting to think that I am weird, but I blew off a lot of stuff this weekend. It's just that my soul felt quiet and I wanted to be alone.

That's really not my point, though. My point is that education should take notes on training educators from the way surgeons train.

1.) Watching each other is a good thing.

In Grey's Anatomy, they are a teaching hospital and they have this gallery where residents and interns watch attendings perform a variety of procedures. I was writing here about how I was listening to another teacher conduct a parent meeting and learning a lot. What if we all just went into a gallery and watched when someone was going to do something extraordinary, like teach comparing fractions to a group with many learning disabled students?

I was at school this morning with the Breakfast Club (that's my name for the group of teachers who go in and finish working on Sunday morning at my school every week), and I went into a fifth grade teacher's room. We were talking about teaching prefixes, suffixes, and root words. I showed her a graphic organizer I use with a tree and she had never seen it. (I'll put a picture if anyone wants to steal it.) It made me think, though, about how many other great things are out there that we don't know that other people do.

I wish that we all watched each other like surgeons. In teaching, though, at least for me, we are a lot more skeptical when someone enters the room while we are teaching and they're just there to watch. We feel like they are there to judge us.

2.) We ought to have a residency.

Student teaching is kind of like an internship, and it does help. I think, though, that those early years of teaching would be much better if they were like a residency. I really wonder how it is going to work for new teachers when "teacher accountability" cracks down even more. When there is no learning period, how do you become proficient? That issue is close to my heart because when I first started teaching I was certainly labeled by my administrator as a bad teacher. I was told that "the kids don't deserve to have you as a teacher;" maybe that was true. I definitely had a couple of years where I learned a lot and made mistakes, but I almost quit because no one was giving me time to learn. Maybe I should have had a couple of years where I had a lesser role and learned before being on my own. Now, I can look back and see what things I did wrong, but I can't fault the twenty two year old rookie because I had so much responsibility with very little support or prep.

3.) We should all have sex in supply closets to relieve stress.

Okay, not really. I imagine that this doesn't actually occur on real surgical floors, but it does on Grey's Anatomy. There would be actually a lot of problems with this in a school. I mean, the male to female ratio is very off. Supply closets are really small.

I Hate Valentine's Day!

2011-02-12T12:00:00.000-08:00

I hate Valentine's Day! I know, you probably already have me pegged as being bitter because I am single, BUT I actually don't hate Valentine's Day because I am single. I hate Valentine's Day because I'm a teacher.

Some teachers tell me that they like Valentine's Day in an elementary school, but I don't know what they are talking about. What part of already hyper kids jacked up on sugar and foaming pink from the mouth is supposed to be fun?

I think that is enough of my complaining, though. I am struggling a lot recently with having a good attitude about my class. My friend was joking on Friday about my yelling, but it was a wake up call. If my friend has noticed it, then it has gone way too far. I also know that I have been feeling extremely frustrated with these kids.

I was realizing at the end of the day on Friday that I have been far too annoyed for the second half of the day, when one of my crazy eight came running back in the room. Honestly, I was going to get onto him for coming back and running when he ran up to me, threw his arms around my neck and said simply, "bye."

I've been feeling sorry for myself because what did I ever do to deserve all eight of the crazy eight and their parents? It's the wrong attitude, though. Even the crazy eight don't deserve a teacher who doesn't really like them and doesn't really want to be there. For better or worse, in sickness and in health til death do us part--just kidding, but really we're not going to part until the end of this year.

So, I am taking this weekend to sort of regroup. I need to not only start my day on Monday excited to be there, but I need to end it that way as well. So, I am spending more time planning instruction I can get excited about. It's funny but as a teacher you sometimes have to plan the best lessons for the worst kids. Not only because those kids most need to be genuinly engaged, but because when you have a group that is not fun to teach it's a lot easier for you when you teach in a way that is fun.

So, I asked myself this weekend, what can I do that is fun for my class? I decided to make their Valentines by hand this year. So I made each student a Valentine. I cut up a Walgreen's Valentine's Day add and I glued adds on the Valentine and wrote a Math "riddle" (isn't that much more fun than problems) for each student. On the inside, my cards say "if you can solve this riddle and show me how in this space, I will give you a special Valentine's Day treat." My treat is a Valentine's Day pencil and eraser because we are always running out of pencils and erasers. The kids will start their day by finding my valentine's in their boxes.

I also bought boxes of candy hearts to do the data collection and representation activities. I wrote up a new seating chart because the kids have been asking. I got new stickers for grading work this week. I can do it. I can have a better attitude about this.

Anonymity and Honesty

2011-02-10T17:47:00.000-08:00

There are only a few people who actually know me who also know about this blog. No one who lives in even the same state as me knows about this. No one in my family knows about it. I stay anonymous because I want to write about the good, the bad, and the ugly in my life as a teacher. I can't do that publicly.

I have a lot of fun writing here because I know people are going to read it, but I don't have to worry about hurting feelings or stepping on toes or seeming like the perfect teacher who has everything figured out or seeming like a responsible adult who has everything figured out. It also helps keep me honest with myself.

For example, people ask me all the time, "What made you want to be a teacher or why do you teach?" It would be easy enough for me to keep giving a canned response like, "I just love the kids; it's sooo rewarding; or I always loved playing school." By now, I would probably convince myself of whatever I say, except that I am always writing to my secret internet friends about how I am not so sure that I want to be a teacher even after four years and how I am not sure what possessed me to ever become one.

That's also why I've been writing about my faith. Sometimes it is easy enough for me to say what people want to hear, but I admit what is bothering me here. Even when I pray, I could try to say what I think God wants to hear, but I remember that aside from His being omniscient I keep a written record of what I am really thinking.

So, thank you to all who read this. Most of you I don't know, but I get to share my life with you in a way I can't share it with a lot of people.

You're My Hero

2011-02-09T18:03:00.000-08:00

I never asked to switch grade levels. Actually it was no secret here or in my real life that I did not want to go to a younger grade level. There are still a lot of things I miss about working in an older grade. The best thing for me, though, about the switch is that I have gotten to learn from two really experienced third grade teachers. They've become two really good friends as well, but I know that for my career which is just starting (I totally cringe when I say that) I've been so fortunate to learn from people who are well into their careers and really good. For the rest of my career, I will be better because I have worked with them.

Anyway, I say all this because I was listening to my next door neighbor handle a parent meeting today, and she is just so much better than me at handling that. Really, I need to learn from her how to handle parents. I won't let kids walk all over me and I know how to work with my colleagues, but I get nervous and don't do well with difficult parents.

Partially, I get intimidated because I am almost always the young one in the room. Partially, though, I just don't know how to handle it well when parents are being manipulative or dishonest or unreasonable, and the reality is that those things happen.

My superstar neighbor had this parent trying to blame her because the child was behind. Now, a little background information, is that this woman hadn't returned superstar teacher's phone calls, progress reports, refused to attend conferences, and doesn't answer e-mails. So, superstar teacher called her on the carpet. She didn't sweat it at all before the meeting and she was professional without being manipulated or allowing a parent to treat her rudely.

I know that I have it in me to be more like that, but it's been difficult. Listening to her was the first time I realized how it should look when I am dealing with an adult being dishonest or manipulative.

Unreasonable parents just can't always have their way. This year I've been having to e-mail the Hulk's parents his behavior chart because they feel that his self-esteem will be ruined if he monitors his own behavior. I know that this plan is terrible and that it would be better for the Hulk and my class if he were accountable for his own actions. Instead, I am constantly hearing complaints of "unfair treatment" from the Hulk's parents.

You know, my superstar neighbor would not have let this situation get to this point. I really need to learn to preempt things like this better. I know what to do, but I just sometimes don't do it when it comes to the parents.

Let Them Eat Cake

2011-02-08T19:21:00.000-08:00

Well, you've heard me throw a lot of love out for my school administrators and occassionally my school district, but lest you think I am wearing rosey glasses, read on read on.

I went to the board meeting tonight. (I know, it always gets me riled up.) The strange thing is that usually there are only a few teachers at the board meeting, but tonight, tonight there was a lot of teachers at the board meeting. A lot...

Why was there a lot of teachers at the board meeting? Well, remember the "rif rubric" that I might have been a little upset about. (Didn't I hide it well?) Anyway, part of the wonderful "rif rubric" said that teachers get 1 point per board meeting attended. This was the only eligible board meeting between the announcement of the "rif rubric" and it's impending due date. Suddenly, the board meeting looked like a sold out Radiohead concert.

This all seemed pretty reasonable to me, because what else are you going to do sitting through a board meeting means a better chance of keeping your job.

I was sitting near the front with some other teachers from my school because I was early--like always. We were sitting where we could hear the conversation of upper level administration in the district. A particular administrator, I am going to call Administrator Antoinette, was clearly angry. She was angrily repeating, "their only here to get a point!"

(Ummmm. Yeah, we are only there to get a point. What on earth else do you expect when you dangle people's livelihoods in front of their faces and make them compete with a lengthy rubric based on points?!)

It irritates me because Administrator Antoinette probably makes the salary of at least three teachers, but she doesn't have to fill out a rubric to get points to determine how worthy she is to keep her job. She doesn't have to worry about if she will be able to pay her bills next year in the event of a rif. She doesn't have to get up and go to a school at 5:30 tomorrow and deal with a room full of kids all day. She doesn't have these worries, but she has no problem judging people who want to come to a board meeting because it might mean keeping their jobs. It's just not right.

I Don't Want to Look, but I Always Do

2011-02-07T19:21:00.000-08:00

E-mail makes me a slave to my job. I don't want to look at it, but I have no self-control. Every time that I am on my computer (even worse when I am separated from my computer I look on my phone), I always end up opening work e-mail.

There is never anything that I need to know, but it bugs me what could be in there. Actually, I have some level of anxiety every time I open my work e-mail (which is really the only e-mail I check) because I just think there will be some problem.

So, rain or shine, weekend or week day, night or day, I will probably find out whatever thing I don't want to know about if you e-mail me.

Supermarket Superbowl

2011-02-06T17:02:00.000-08:00

Okay. Full disclosure, I did not meet that guy tonight because he couldn't make it to the party and I didn't go either. I also didn't tell my other friends who wanted me to go to their superbowl party. You know what I did? I went to the grocery store--and it was awesome!

You probably think that I'm being sarcastic, but I'm not. I really hate going to the grocery store when it is crowded and whether I go on the weekend or after work it is always crowded. One day that is a good day for going to the grocery store is the superbowl, if you don't care about either of the teams.

I had the world's fastest grocery shopping experience today and it was awesome.

Sometimes I go by the store on my way to work at 6:00am. It was so much emptier today. Amazing.

More Unpublished

2011-02-05T18:45:00.000-08:00

Ha. I have a secret trove of unpublished entries. This post was meant to be one of them, but it turned out more generic than I thought, so here it is.

I have a date on Sunday. Maybe and sort of... Maybe, because it may or may not happen at this point. Sort of because it is more of casually meeting a friend of a friend at a superbowl party--but then again it is a friend of a friend who wants to meet me. In any case, people tell me it is a date and maybe it is.

The guy in question seems nice enough. My friend tells me he is smart and quiet--two qualities I can appreciate. Apparently, he is an engineer, he never swears, and is not a player. The swearing thing has been highlighted for me because as far as my general acquaintances know I never swear. I do actually swear if the occasion calls for it, but in my opinion the occasion is rare.

I don't know, though, I don't really want to follow through and meet him. I kind of hope that my nephew will come and I'll have to cancel or he won't be at the party (which is still a possibility). I mean, the guy sounds good in theory, but making it real is scary to me.

A very similar situation happened to me at the basketball game the other night. I met this guy and he was nice and I talked to him most of the night, but when he wanted my number I just didn't trust him enough to give it to him.

I have blamed my lack of relationships on my workaholic ways on not meeting people and I don't even know what else. I always have something some rationalization, but I'm not being open and it is time for me to change. I mean, I quit the dating site, not because I couldn't find anyone to go out with but because I didn't like dating a lot of guys I don't know. I refuse to meet anyone when I go out. If I'm going to refuse to be set up or meet someone in public, then I've pretty much eliminated all options. The logical conclusion is that I cause the problems that I have.

P.S. Kelly Clarkson is not my general musical taste, but the song seemed appropriate.

Leadership Qualities

2011-02-05T10:20:00.000-08:00

Our administrators had some sort of training in qualities of leadership from Gallup this week. Yeah, I know. I think that administrators' time is better spent in their schools than in silly trainings too. Really, why don't they do all of these trainings in the summer when school is not in session but they are still working? That mystery aside, though, it was interesting to read what strong leadership qualities our administrator has (he sent his results to the staff in an e-mail).

I thought it was interesting that one of his strengths was relator. That is what I have seen in him. He really tries to build relationships with employees and listen and relate to them. It's made things much more pleasant around our school.

He also challenged us to think about our own strengths in leadership and sent us the list of leadership areas. I don't think of myself as a leader because I prefer to be in the background if at all possible. I'm not really a follower, though, because if something doesn't make sense I will not do it even if the majority of a group is doing it or someone tells me to.

When I think about how I could be a leader at school, I have to think outside of my classroom. In my classroom, I have to be upfront directing and inspiring--not because it is my nature, but because it is my job.

Outside my classroom, though, I tend to be more of an observer and absorber. I pick up concepts, ideas, and even systems really quickly. Usually, when something new is introduced at a staff meeting, I am planning the idea or strategy in my notebook while everyone else is still trying to figure it out. People will be getting mad because the presentation was unclear but it always seems crystal clear to me.

I think my other strength is communicating. Even when I was in college, I spent a lot of time presenting the material from courses to my classmates. When I was in introduction to philosophy, a lot of my classmates were really confused. I used to have meetings with most of my class and re-explain the content. I didn't actually need to study for philosophy because it was my best subject, but I met with these "study groups" because I knew they didn't understand the material and I knew how to explain it so that it would make sense to them.

Currently, I am the person who people come to after the latest and greatest thing is introduced to us to say, "What the Hell is rti?" or "What do these concepts on the cgi rubric actually mean?" Whether I agree with the strategy or not I'll be able to help people understand what we are being asked to do. If I agree with it, I will even explain why the idea makes sense, and usually get the person on board.

I never really thought about those two qualities as leadership but the Gallup survey calls them analytical and communication. I guess if you look at leadership as the times when others turn for you to direction, then those qualities would qualify.

There was also some value in thinking about strengths in leadership. I am aware of my deficits. Things like having a commanding presence or empathy or probably even relator don't come naturally to me. I have to work on them, but as I thought about what does come naturally to me, it made me think about how I could actually use those qualities to be a better leader.

I know that I have to be drawn out. I will not ever volunteer my analysis of a situation or idea. People come to me because they know me, and they know I have the capability to process all the information they give us and spit it out in terms that make sense, but if you don't know me, then you probably won't get my help because I hate to attract attention to myself.

I think one professional goal I could have outside of the classroom would be to be more involved in committees or processes that need someone to help the group process the vast amounts of complex information we use to make decisions.

Things That Help Me Get Unannoyed

2011-02-04T17:49:00.000-08:00

I never explained the title of my post yesterday. I called it unannoyed because I realized it was taking me a little bit longer to get unannoyed every day. My personality is very easy going. I feel happy 90% of the time generally. I realized yesterday that it took me three hours after work to no longer feel irritated.

Today, I resolved that I was not going to let them get to me enough to ruin my day or ruin my evening. I did really well. I didn't start getting annoyed at all until the end of the day. Oh, the crazy 8 were up to their antics, but I just didn't get bothered by it. We worked silently when they were arguing or tattling. Instead of getting mad that they weren't working together the way I wanted them to, I just celebrated the fact that they were still learning in spite of themselves and the room was peaceful in spite of their contentious natures.

I also chose to focus on the bright spots in my class. Yes, there are some kids who have great potential to ruin my day and subsequently everyone's day, but I do not have to allow that to happen. There are also some really nice kids. I got a new student last week and she gave me the cutest letter today.

Then, after work I went to Happy Hour with my coworkers. Don't worry I was on good behavior this time. It is still quite early and I had only one glass of wine. But, I realized that it is destressing to be around my school staff. It's interesting because my job is stressful, but the great teamwork is soothing.

So, that is how I plan to make it to May!!!